


Back Here At Home There's Nothing To Do

by bewareoftrips



Series: Life's a Kick in This Town [3]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Hijinks & Shenanigans, Multi, Recreational Drug Use, Riverparents, Spring Break, Underage Drinking, bed sharing, cabin in the woods, parentdale, some good old fashion fun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-03-05 11:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 46,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13387167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bewareoftrips/pseuds/bewareoftrips
Summary: All Hiram ever asked for was to spend spring break with Hermione at his parent's cabin. So what if Alice and Hal had to come to keep up appearances? And Mary was tagging along for some reason. And Fred and FP showed up uninvited.Nothing was ruining their spring break.





	1. Easter Sunday, 1992

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jugheadjones](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jugheadjones/gifts).



> Trying a little something different, trying to balance seven characters. I love ensemble pieces and we need more of them.
> 
> I really lucked out in some aspects here. In 1992, the first day of Passover was the day before Easter Sunday. Sleepwalkers really did some out the week before this all takes place. Little things falling into place is what made me want to write this so bad.
> 
> Also big thanks to the soundtrack to Evil Dead: The Musical which I've been listening to nonstop. You don't know how bad I wanted to make them sing the opening number on the drive up.

Far from the first time in his life, Hal wished his mother could be a typical parent and be embarrassed when he caught her snooping.

She had spread out all the contents of his RHS duffle bag on his bedspread and was packing everything into a brown leather suitcase.  Bigger than he was using, but way less convenient than the simple blue and yellow athletic bag he used for everything.

“Mom,” he groaned, loosening the tie around his neck. “What are you doing?” 

She smiled at him, placing  a stack of folded shirts into the suitcase. “Hal, you can’t take that ratty old bag on your trip. It’s disgusting. What will people think?”

“What will who think? You think my friends are going to care?” He started pulling off  his tie and stopped when his mother clicked her teeth. She walked around the bed to him and readjusted it, flashing another quick smile on her disapproving face.

“Hiram might care. I bet his luggage cost more than your car.” She smoothed the tie out against his chest. “That bag is for wrestling clothes, for going to the gym. It is not for a trip to a place owned by the Lodges. Plus I needed to make sure you didn’t forget anything.” 

“Mom, guests are still here. Mrs. Nichols is looking for you.”

She pursed her lips. “Probably wanting to discuss why we’re letting our children run away on a church holiday of all days.” 

“ _ Mom _ . If you don’t want me going on this trip why’d you say it was okay?”

She was offended. This was far from their first discussion on the subject. (Coopers didn’t use words like argument. They merely liked to discuss. Passionately.) Every one ended the same way; her agreeing to let him go, but pleading with him to rethink his choice. After all, he was seventeen now - practically an adult - and had to start making more mature decisions.

He still choose to go, of course. A week with Alice without the watchful eye of his mother? He’d be crazy not to.

“I never said it wasn’t okay.” She picked a piece of lint off his shirt. Hal could see her biting her tongue, waiting to get the rest out. 

“But?”

She let out a long sigh. “Hal. I'm not entirely sure of the people you chose to spend your time with. The thought of you alone for all those days with people of such… of such  _ character _ ? It worries me is all.”

Hal resisted pulling away as his mother went to adjust his tie yet again. He was already on thin ice these past few months and the last thing he needed to do was ruin this trip for everyone. He was the glue that was holding it together.

“Mom, Alice is my  _ girlfriend _ . You think she'd be my girlfriend if she had questionable character?”

“You think if she was your girlfriend she would have come to church with us on a holiday.” 

Alice had actually asked to go to church with them just last week. The first time she'd ever gone with them last summer, Hal worried she'd be bored out of her mind. Instead, she looked around the place in awe. It was far from being large or impressive, but according to Alice's wide eyes, you would have thought it was one of those huge big city cathedrals you see in movies. She leaned her elbows on the pew in front of her and ate up every word of the sermon, as if she was hearing it for the first time. It only occurred to Hal after the fact that she was.

She had come sporadically since then, but never on an actual holiday. A holiday when all the fairweather Catholics dusted off their church clothes and attended too. (Hal had been shocked that even the Lodge’s had been there that morning.) Most of the town attended on Easter Sunday and his mother had pulled such a face when Alice asked, she’d immediately taken it back. As he drove her home that night, she told him she wouldn’t even be coming over for the Cooper’s Easter luncheon if his mom was going to be such an awful bitch to her when she was trying so hard.

Hal bit the inside of his cheek trying to think of a retort for his mom.

“Alice just didn’t want to intrude on family time. She said she was coming by though, so I don’t even have to pick her up.”

“This isn’t just about Alice.” So it was a little bit about Alice. “I know Hiram is your friend, but there’s just something a little…  _ off  _ about him.”

And this again.

“Like what, Mom?”

She shot him a dubious look. “Do not make me say it, Hal. Not on Easter. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Surprised a boy like that has ever set foot in a church.” 

“Mom , Hiram’s not -”

Her eyes darted quickly back to the suitcase on his bed. “And why exactly do you need a swimsuit? The water’s likely to be too cold still.”

“The Lodge’s have a hottub.”

“So much for roughing it. Hal, no one in that entire family knows the meaning of the word modesty. A hottub in the middle of nowhere? How lavish. All that family knows is how to throw around their weight and their money. It’s disgusting.”

“Knock knock,” a sugary sweet voice called. Hermione Nichols stood in the doorway of his room holding the cordless phone. “So sorry to interrupt, Mrs. Cooper. The phone just kept ringing and ringing so I answered it.” She extended the phone to Hal with a smile. “It’s Hiram.”

“Hiram, of course,” his mother sighed. “Well, finish packing and hurry back down. You’re not leaving yet.”

“I can help Hal, Mrs. Cooper.” Hermione tilted her head, throwing her long dark hair over her shoulder. “I don’t mind.”

Mrs. Cooper smiled genuinely at the girl. “How kind of you, dear. Now let me go find your mother.” 

His mom closed the door behind them, something she’d never do if it had been Alice with him. The smile dropped right off Hermione’s face as she plopped down on his bed, lavender sundress fanning out around her. 

“Hello?” Hal said into the phone. He sent a glare at Hermione as she pulled her sandal clad feet onto his bed. She rolled her eyes before kicking them to the floor.

“You have one last chance, man,” Hiram said. “Don’t fuck this up.”

“I have one last chance to -”

“Shut up! Is Hermione next to you?”

“She is.”

Hermione perked up at that and waved Hal closer. He turned away from her.

“She is, he says. Jesus man. Act cool. You have to convince her to uninvite Mary.”

“Oh come on. Let it go.” Hermione waved him over furiously and he gave in, sitting next to her on the bed. She turned the phone in his hand so she could listen in. He prayed Hiram wouldn’t say anything too incriminating. 

“I just want a weekend alone with her.” He glanced sideways at Hermione and her expression seemed to have softened. “Just one damn weekend I don’t have to worry about Andrews trying to snake his way into her panties. I want to snake my way into her -”

“Hey!” Hal cut him off and Hermione smacked his arm, as if he was the one who said something.  “I will talk to her. Definitely. Still leaving at 5?”

“You guys can’t get out of there any earlier?”

“Don’t count on it.”

“Fine. See you in a few.” He hung up.

Hermione smacked his arm again. “Your friend is a pig.”

“No one’s forcing you to go anywhere with him.”

“I know that.” She laid down against his pillows. “I  _ want  _ to go. I just don’t want the pressure to be on.” She raised her head slightly. “That’s why Mary’s coming.”

“Hmm.” He stood up and started shoving the rest of his clothes haphazardly into the suitcase his mom had left out. He cringed at the action, but she was likely to come back up if he took too long. “I just feel bad for Mary. She’s going to feel like a fifth wheel.”

“Of course she won’t. It’s not like I’m going to ditch her. I just… need a safety net. A way to get away from Hiram if he gets too intense. You know him.” Hermione picked up a picture of him and Alice that was on his bedside table and gave it a scowl. “And Mary’s probably bringing every text book we own so she can finish her homework for the rest of the year. You know her.”

Hal took the picture frame out of Hermione’s hand and put it back down. His hand lingered over bedside table. “Hey, could you leave? I need to finish packing.”

She smirked. “God, Hal. I’ve seen you in your undies plenty when we were kids. Seeing you pack them isn’t going to burn my eyes.”

A flush was crawling up his face. “No, other things. Just look away at least.” His eyes darted down to the table. 

Her eyes narrowed and before he could stop her, she rolled off the bed and pulled open the drawer. 

“Hermione, stop it!”

She blocked him with her body, shoving her elbows back as he grabbed her shoulders. She started rifling through the mess of things until she finally hit the bottom of the drawer and felt it wobble. False bottom.

Hal had a hold on her, and could have easily stopped her, but didn’t. She kicked back at him once as she pulled part of the bottom up, feeling a piece of metal that she yanked out. 

“Oh my God.” She held the pair of handcuffs at arm’s length as Hal snatched them from her and tossed them in the suitcase. She fell back on the bed and let out deep laughter. “You two are total freaks. Don’t tell me she uses those on you? Or you on her?” She clutched her stomach as laughed. “This is too good. I hope the walls are soundproof. Or maybe I don’t.”

“Shut up,” Hal muttered. He reached back into the drawer and pulled two more things out, tossing them in his luggage as well. “I don't pry into your sex life with  _ either _ of your boyfriends.”

Hermione continued laughing. “Oh Hal,” she got out between gasping for breath. “What would your mom say? That freaky Southside girl is  _ ruining _ her baby.” 

“What's this?”

Hal and Hermione both jumped at the voice. Alice stood in the doorway, duffle bag hanging loosely in her hand, looking a tad underdressed in a denim skirt and a white blouse. Her narrowed eyes traveled between both of them suspiciously. Hal closed his suitcase, avoiding Alice's gaze as the blush deepened in his face. He knew how guilty he looked.

“Hey, you made it,” he said as he zipped the bag closed and put it on the floor. He took her own bag and bent down to kiss her.

“Of course I made it,” she said slowly. “I had to push past about ten of your aunts  downstairs, but I made it.” Her arms crossed over her chest. “Hello Hermione.”

Hermione sat up in bed and crossed her arms over her chest as well. She spoke with mock excitement. “Hello Alice! Ready for several days of girl talk and gossip and fun?”

“Can’t wait,” she said flatly. “Now you mind getting the hell off my boyfriend's bed?”

“Gladly. Who even knows what’s gone on here.” Hermione slung her feet off the bed, sliding gracefully back into her sandals. She took the phone from where Hal had left it on the bed. “You don’t mind? I need to call Mary. Work out all the details.”

“Poor Mary.” Alice sat on Hal’s bed as Hermione dialed Mary’s number. Hermione raised her eyebrow. “Being forced on this trip just because someone doesn’t want to fuck Hiram. Weird, to want all the benefits of dating a rich kid but not wanting to put the work in.”

“Shut it, Vivian Ward,” she hissed. “I never said anything about fucking Hiram. I merely said - oh, hello Mrs. Taylor. How are you? It’s uhhh, Alice. Can I speak to Mary?” Alice grabbed a pillow off the bed and threw it at Hermione.  “I think I’ll take this in the other room.”

“Dumb cow,” Alice muttered as the door closed. She looked Hal up and down. “Why was she up here?”

“Just Hermione being Hermione.” He sat next to her on the bed and took her hand. “Excited?”

“Ecstatic,” she said flatly. Hal’s face dropped. “It’s not that. It’s… it’s spending several days in the middle of nowhere with Hermione. And Hiram. It actually sounds like a nightmare.”

“You know they’re not as bad as you’re making them out to be.” He squeezed her hand. “It’s going to be great, Alice.”

She gave him a half hearted smile. “I trust you. Don’t let me down.”

He tugged at her wrists and she took his direction, sliding over to sit on his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck. 

“I promise I will make this week worth your while.”

* * *

“Mary, phone!” her mother called down the basement stairs. 

Mary tossed down her book and muted the tv, making the boys on either side of her playing Mortal Kombat jump. FP glanced in her direction, not quite taking his eyes off the tv. 

“What’s the big idea, Red?”

“Shush guys.” She crossed the room and picked up the basement phone and yelled, “I got it, Mom!” up the stairs. “Hello?”

“You sure you still want to come, Mary?”

Mary sighed. This song and dance had been going on all week. One minute Hermione was begging her to come to the Lodge’s cabin, the next she was trying to talk her out of it. 

“Look Hermione.” At the sound of her name, Fred paused the game. FP reached over to hit the start button on Fred’s controller and Fred pulled away. “It’s totally okay if you don’t want me there. I get it if you want to spend some time alone with…” her eyes darted to Fred’s saddened face, “with him. There’s nothing wrong with that and I won’t be mad.”

“Mary, I promised you a fun spring break! I can’t break that promise to you.”

“No, you actually promised me a fun spring break when you invited me in the first place. It’s not like we had plans to do anything before that.”

“We’re besties.” Mary rolled her eyes. They may be friends, but they were far from best friends. “Of  _ course  _ we were going to do something over break. I invited you because I thought you’d have fun with us. I just want to make sure you’re not going to feel like a third wheel.”

“You mean fifth wheel.”

“Oh, I have a feeling Alice and Hal will be a little  _ tied up _ this weekend.” Hermione let out a shrill giggle. “God, I can’t wait to tell you. But I’m at this stupid Easter lunch at Hal’s house so best wait until we’re alone.”

“Hermione, do you want me to go? Yes or no?”

“I mean, of course I want you around.”

“Yes or no.”

There was a long pause from the other line. Fred and FP’s eyes were both on her. Fred was nodding his head and FP shaking his. The two looked at each other when they realized what the other was doing.

“Yes, Mare,” Hermione said. “I do want you there. As long as… your parents won’t be mad you’re missing Passover?”

“Why the hell do you want her to go?” FP attempted a whisper but it was practically his normal voice. 

“Why wouldn’t I?” Fred’s ‘whisper’ was even worse.

“Seder was last night. All I’m going to miss is crossing state lines to visit family. I’ll live.”

“If she goes, she can stop Hermione and Hiram from being together.”

“You think Mary’s going to spend a week cockblocking them? Are you serious?”

“Unless you don’t want me to go.” Mary cupped her hands over the receiver, trying to block out the boy’s voices. “I get it. I really do.”

“No, you’re coming. Maybe we should just make a code or something. Like if I want to be alone with Hiram, I say one thing and if I want you to stick around, I say something else.”

“That’s a plan. What’s the code?”

FP was making no attempt to whisper anymore. “If she stays, the three of us have the whole week alone. We can drive to the lake. Go to the Twilight every night. Oh, and the Bijou just got Sleepwalkers. That looked -”

“Who’s there with you?” Hermione asked. “Sounds like -”

“My brothers,” Mary said loudly, glaring at both boys and holding a finger up to her lips. “Brandon’s voice is starting to drop. Isn’t that cute?”

“Darling.” Hermione didn’t sound like she believed her. “Look, if I started mentioning, I don’t know. Let’s say calculus means stay and chemistry means beat it?”

“Shouldn’t it be something a little more specific?”

Fred leaned in towards FP, attempting to whisper again. “Is Sleepwalkers the one with the girl that looks like Alice?”

“No, Brandon,” Mary said sternly. “I’m not talking to Alice. I’m talking to Hermione. Now shush!”

“It’ll be fine,” Hermione said, ignoring the outburst. “Look, I’ll see you in a few hours, okay? Let me get back to this party before my mom or Mrs. Cooper starts looking for me. Hey, you didn’t mention this trip to the boys, did you?”

A hot flush went through Mary. “The boys? What boys?”

“You know what boys. Fred and FP. They don’t know about this, do they?”

“I didn’t say anything to them.” It wasn’t technically a lie. According to Fred, Hiram had been gloating about it in gym class all week. 

“Good, let's keep it that way.”

Mary let out a groan as she hung up the phone. She went back to her spot between the two boys on the couch and hit both of them with a swift motion from either arm.

“What was that for?”

“Do you two ever shut up?” she leaned back against the couch and covered her face with her hands. She remembered too late she’d put on eye make-up and would have to redo it before Hermione saw it smudged around her face. 

“Come on, Red.” FP slung an arm around Mary and pulled her into him. “You don’t owe Hermione any favors. Don’t go.”

“No, you have to go, Mare.” Fred took her left hand in his and she ignored the butterflies fluttering in her stomach. She leaned harder against FP instead. “You have to stop Hiram from getting too close to her.”

“Jesus, Fred,” FP sighed. “Mary’s not a chastity belt.”

“All you have to do is -”

“Is nothing, because she shouldn’t go.” He took Mary’s face in his hand, squeezing it until her lips popped out like a fish. “Do you want to go?” He shook her head with his hand and put on a high pitch voice. “Of course not, FP. I want to slum around with you boys all week and actually have fun. Not go to some ritzy cabin where I can’t touch anything and have to listen to two other couples fuck all week.”

She finally pulled her face away from him, trying to hold in her smile. “I don’t sound like that.” Her left hand was still in Fred’s and she gently pulled it away too. “Look, I’m not just going on this trip to,” she swallowed before getting the word out, “cockblock Hiram and Hermione. Maybe I want to go? Cabin in the middle of nowhere, hottub, peace and quiet.”

Fred reached over to the table and grabbed one of the sandwiches Mary’s mom had put out for them. “Peace and quiet with Alice and Hal around? Good luck. Those two will probably make it their goal to screw in every room in that house.” He took a bite of his sandwich. “Maybe bring your own sheets.”

“Gross dude,” FP muttered. “Hey, don’t get into that hottub if they’ve just been in there, if you know what I’m saying.” Mary pulled a face. “Look, I’m not telling you what to do. I’m just saying five teens going to a cabin in the middle of nowhere is the plot of Evil Dead. And your character dies first.” 

“No no no.” Fred shook his head and talked through a full mouth. “Mary’s becomes possessed first. Alice dies first.”

“Oh please. If this was a real horror movie, Alice would probably be the only survivor.”

“If this was a real horror movie,” Mary said softly to herself. These were her friends.

“All I’m saying is Alice would be Shelly.”

“Dude, if Alice is Shelly than Hiram is Ash. You’re giving Hiram Lodge that much credit?”

“I just think he’d be a better leading man than Hal. That’s not a compliment, that’s a fact. Hal is just a leading man’s buddy.”

Mary pushed herself off the couch. “I think I need to finish packing.”

“Wait.” Fred grabbed her hand and pulled her back down. “I have an idea.”

“Famous last words,” Mary laughed. “Oh God, what is it?”

“Get this, Mare.” Fred popped the last piece of his sandwich in his mouth and practically swallowed it whole. He started coughing and FP passed him the can of soda he’d left on the coffee table. 

“Can’t do anything without causing a scene, can he?” FP muttered to Mary as Fred drained the can. Mary gave him a shove. 

“Like you’re any better. Showboating on the football field all the time.”

“That’s called school spirit.”

“That’s called having a big head.” She flicked his head and they both laughed as Fred finally collected himself.

“As I was saying. What if FP and I go with you guys?”

“What?” Mary and FP asked in sync.

“I wasn’t even technically invited. And well, doesn’t Hiram kind of, you know?”

“Hate your guts?” FP suggested.

“Yes! And I hate his guts too! All the more reason to go.”

“So what? You call Hiram and ask if you can tag along? On this romantic trip he planned that I’m already ruining by being there?”

“The worst he can do is ask us to leave.”

“No, the worst he can do is shoot us.” FP shook his head. “You know they probably have some hunting rifles in that cabin. You’ve come up with some awful ideas, Freddy, but this takes the cake.”

“Hear me out guys.”

“There’s  _ more _ ?”

“We follow in the van and just show up.”

“Why would he let you guys stay?”

“Because my brother works at the liquor store. Oscar loads us up with booze and we come with a peace offering.”

“A peace offering? Of whiskey and vodka?”

“Oh, tequila too,” FP chimed in. “Alice won’t let us through that door otherwise.”

Fred snapped his fingers and pointed at FP. “See, Mare? FP gets it.”

“No, Freddy.” FP buried his face in his hands. “You beautiful moron, you. I don’t get it. Mary doesn’t get it. There’s nothing to get because this is a stupid fucking plan.”

“Calling it a plan is a little generous,” Mary admitted. “I mean, you just came up with it.”

“I did not! I’ve just been waiting for the right time to bring it up.” Fred put his elbows on his knees and leaned closer to them. “We know around where is it, right? Somewhere in the Mortmain Mountains. We give them a  few hours head start and then go. Oh, your brother’s walkie-talkies! They’re those good ones. You take one and we’ll take one so we can let you know when we’re nearby.”

Mary looked at him skeptically. “I’m sharing a room with Hermione. It’s going to be kind of hard to answer. And suspicious if I have a walkie-talkie for no reason.”

FP nudged her. “I don’t think Hermione’s going to be spending much time in the room with you.”

“Hey!” Fred pointed his finger at him. “Hermione has never slept with him. There is zero reason to believe that just because the two of them are going to be at a cabin together -”

“In the middle of nowhere,” FP pointed out, “with another couple that can’t keep their pants on.”

“And  _ Mary _ . Mary is the key to all of this.” Fred got down on his knees in front of her, putting his hands together in prayer. “I’m begging you, Mary,  _ begging  _ you. Just do me a solid.”

Mary swallowed the lump in her throat and glanced over her shoulder. FP shrugged. 

“I’ll go get the walkie-talkies.”  

Fred pulled Mary up with him and took her into a hug. “You’re the best, Mare. You really are the most wonderful, fantastic person I’ve ever met.” He kissed her cheek and gave her a little twirl. She couldn’t help but let out a laugh.

“Just one condition guys.” She looked between the two of them. “You cannot let them know I’m in on this.”

“So what? We just show up and say we’re lost, weary travelers?”

“I don’t care what you guys say. They just can’t know it was me. Any of them. Deal?”

Fred looked Mary up and down and spun her around again. “Deal. You will be our woman on the inside.”

* * *

They dropped Mary off on the far end of Elm Street a hour later, just out of sight of the Cooper’s house. The two watched as Mary glided down the street, her cheerleading bag slung over one shoulder with a professional grade walkie-talkie tucked inside. She half waved at them as she rounded the walkway to Hal’s house, readjusting the hat on her head as she put her hand down. 

“That Mary sure is a swell girl,” FP said matter of factly as he pulled the van away. Fred shot him a look.

“Don’t tell me you have a thing for Mary. Mary’s not your type.”

FP laughed. “No, she’s not. But what kind of girl would go along with this dumbass plan for you?”

Fred shrugged, seeing where his friend was going. “Come on, dude. Mary’s a good friend. Just like you. You’re going along with this too.”

“About that.” FP rapped his fingers against the steering wheel, hating that Fred was putting him in his position. “I don’t want to do this.”

“But you’re going to, right?” There was an uncomfortable pause. “FP, come on.”

“You think I want to spend the entire week somewhere we’re not welcome? With some guy who doesn’t even like us?” 

“Doesn’t like  _ me _ . Hiram loves you. And just because we weren’t invited doesn’t mean we’re not welcome. We’ll make ourselves welcome.”

“I love your enthusiasm, but this is never going to work.”

“Ye of little faith.” Fred smacked his arm. “Don’t flake out on me, please.”

“You know there’s one huge flaw in your plan, right? It’s Easter Sunday.”

“So? I went to church this morning.”

“Your brother working today?”

FP looked at Fred sideways, watching his face fall. “Shit.”

“Yeah shit. Liquor store is closed today.”

“Oscar has keys to the store. He’ll let us in. Or we can scrounge around for whatever’s at home.”

“ _ Fred _ .” They were just pulling up to the Andrew’s house. “How about we wait until tomorrow, huh? Sleep on it. If you still think it’s a good idea tomorrow - a really, really good idea - we will grab the booze, load up the van, and get going. Deal?”

Fred let out a loud sigh. “Fine. Maybe if I call the Cooper’s now I can still catch Mary before they leave.”

“Don’t make it too obvious. Say you’re her brother or dad or something. Don’t sound like… well, don’t sound like Fred. If his mom answers and you chicken out, just ask for Alice.”

Fred tapped his nose as he got out of the car. “See you tomorrow.”

* * *

“Are we ready to rock and roll?” Hiram shouted. He leaned against his dad’s Cadillac with a pair of sunglasses perched on the edge of his nose. 

Alice rolled her eyes at Hal as they walked towards the car. “You owe me. Big time.”

“You guys like?” Hiram gestured to the car as the four approached him. Hermione came at him first and he kissed her on the cheek in greeting. She raised her eyebrow as he popped the trunk and took her bag.

“Where’s your car?”

“Well, mine was a little too small for five people and luggage.” He shot a grin at Mary. “Not that I mind there being five of us. We’d probably be uncomfortable if it was just four in my car anyway.” 

He kissed Mary on the cheek as well as he took the bag out of her hand. She wanted to kick her herself as she felt a blush coming up. Stupid red headed genes, making her flush every time a remotely attractive boy was nice to her.

“Thanks for letting me tag along, Hiram.”

“Tag along?” He grinned. “More the merrier… Mary.” 

She laughed in spite of herself. Alice bumped into her, making her stumble a bit in the opposite direction. “Calm yourself, Hiram. Mary’s not here as your backup.”

“Alice, always a delight.” He leaned down and kissed her cheek too, ignoring her comment. She held out her bag towards him, but he gently pushed between the two girls without taking it. “Excuse me, ladies. Hal!” 

He jogged the few feet to Hal and snatched his bag out of his hand, leaning up to kiss Hal on the cheek. Alice rolled her eyes and Mary held in a laugh, delighted Hal couldn’t help but blush either.

“Cut it out, man,” Hal hissed, wiping his cheek. “You know my mom’s watching.”

“Good. I hope she is.” Hiram winked back at the girls. “Hey, nice bag.”

“Hello Hiram!” Mrs. Cooper shouted as she came down the walkway. “How are you?”

“I am excellent, Mrs. Cooper. Happy Easter.” He pulled her into a kiss as well, smiling brilliantly as her all along. Alice almost snorted as the woman held in her shock. “So sorry we couldn’t join you after church but my parents really wanted to go to the club for lunch. Tradition and all.”

“Of course.” She had on a plastic smile as she looked between the five teens. “Now, I don’t suppose there will be any tomfoolery this week?”

“Us? Tomfoolery?” Hermione let out a laugh. “Come now, Mrs. Cooper. We’re just a group of kids looking to have some fun. Hiram, didn’t you say your parents have a whole closet of board games?”

“Sure do.” Hiram didn’t let up on his award winning smile, but he did knock his sunglasses to the top of his head so he could look his friend’s mom right in the eye. “Maybe even do a little hiking, birdwatching. Might be a little too cold for swimming, but I told everyone to bring their bathing suits anyway.”

“And the hottub?” Mrs. Cooper asked, eyes narrowed but smile still plastered on. 

Hiram snapped his fingers. “Shucks. You know it needs to be serviced. My parents were up there for Valentine’s Day and it just flaked out. Haven’t had anyone up to see it yet.”

“Pity. And I assume your parents keep the liquor cabinet locked?”

Hiram bounced on the balls of his feet. “Empty actually. They normally just buy a bottle or two of wine when they’re up there. Not big drinkers.”

Alice couldn’t hold her snort at that one. Hal quickly grabbed her arm and she turned it into a cough.

“And the sleeping arrangements?”

Hal dug his fingers into Alice. “Well, Mom -”

She held up a finger. “I was asking Hiram. Actually, no.” She looked between the three girls. “Mary dear, what are the sleeping arrangements?”

“The sleeping arrangements are us three girls in the master bedroom with the king size bed, Hiram in one of the smaller bedrooms, and Hal in the other. Those are the sleeping arrangements, Mrs. Cooper.” Mary finished with a smile, feeling like she was reciting a difficult word at a spelling bee. Mrs. Cooper smiled. 

“Right, of course. And I have the number in case anything happens.” She gave the car the once over before waving the teens inside. “Well, have fun. And be safe, children.  _ Safe _ .”

“We always are, Mom.” Hal kissed his mother on the cheek before climbing into the passenger seat. The three girls went in the back, Mary in the middle, and Hiram got behind the wheel. 

“Your mom is a nut, Hal.” Hiram knocked his sunglasses back to his nose and took off down Elm. 

“Just keep going. I’m surprised she didn’t search everyone’s bag for liquor.”

“Don’t worry. There’s a place in the town that will sell to us, even underage.”

“Oh, she totally checked your bag when you guys went downstairs, Alice,” Hermione laughed. “I saw her when I was on the phone with Mary.”

“Whatever. Probably just replaced some of my clothes with stuff more to her liking.” Hiram half turned his head.

“Wait, Alice. Don’t tell me you’re not holding. Nothing?”

“Stupid.” Alice fixed her gaze out the window. “You think I’m dumb enough to leave my stash unattended? With Hal’s mom around?”

“So where is it?”

Alice patted her chest. “I’ve got it covered.”

Hermione laughed. “I knew they looked way too big today. Didn’t I say that, Mare?”

Mary fidgeted between them. “What did you bring?”

Alice sighed and turned away from the window to look at her. “Why do you ask if you don’t want to know?”

“Come on, Mary,” Hiram called. “We need to have some fun this week.  _ All  _ of us.”

“This is going to be a good week,” Hal said, turning in his seat to face the girls. “I can feel it.”

* * *

FP pulled up to the trailer the Serpents set him up with a few months ago. He’d stayed with Alice and her dad for a short amount of time after his old man kicked him out, until Rodger Smith had set him up to live in a double wide with one of the other young guys in the gang. It wasn’t much, but it’d do until graduation. 

Rodger was far from being a good guy, but he followed the laws. Serpents looked out for their own. Rodger looked out for him and in turn FP -

Someone pounded on the van window before he could even put the van into park. The devil himself. FP fiddled with his seatbelt before opening the door. He took a deep breath.

“Hey Rodger, how’s it going?”

Rodger’s red eyes glared at him. He was shorter than FP by a long shot, but had an air about him that you wouldn’t want to mess with. No doubt where his daughter had gotten it from.

“Where is she, Jones?”

He gulped. Rodger never called him that unless he was angry. With anyone else, he might dance around the question. ‘Where’s who?’ Not the kind of game to play with Rodger on a good day, and especially not the kind to play when it was 5 pm and he was already loaded. 

FP bit his tongue, feeling the betrayal spilling out already. “Cabin. She went to the Lodge’s cabin somewhere in the Mortmain Mountains for spring break.”

“The Lodges?” he asked slowly. “What, the kid hire her for the week or something?”

He took another breath. Getting mad at Rodger would get nothing done. “Her boyfriend, he’s friends with the Lodge kid. Group of them went, not just them.”

Rodger let out a harsh laugh. “First I’m hearing of this trip. Why you not part of this group?”

“Just not my crowd.”

“Hmm. So I suppose you’re about to make it your crowd, huh?”

FP nodded. “My buddy and I were thinking of meeting them up there tomorrow, you know? I could keep an eye on her.”

Rodger hit his hand against the side of the van suddenly, making him jump. “Sounds like you’re heading up their tonight, huh?”

“Yes sir.”

“I’ve done you a lot of favors kid, and I don’t ask too much in return. The one thing I do ask is you keep an eye on my daughter. She runs around with that preppy Cooper kid, now she’s off with some snobby Lodge?  How do you plan on watching out for her when you’re  _ here  _ and she’s  _ there _ ?”

“Of course sir.”

“Better pack a bag if you want to make it by sundown.”

FP went inside the trailer. He leaned back against the door and took a few deep breaths until his hands stopped shaking.

He could kill Alice. She’d told him she cleared it all with her dad, didn’t care that she was going away. Leave it to her to lie and sneak away, making him clean up her damn mess. 

Not as if she had never cleaned up any of his messes before. If they were keeping tally, she was probably way ahead in the clean up department.

So he’d go waste his spring break, watching her sit on her boyfriend’s lap and scowl at him for cramping her style.

He picked up the phone and dialed the Andrew’s house. Fred answered on the second ring.

“Pack your bag, Freddy. I changed my mind.”


	2. Sunday, April 11th, 1992

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowy. This took way longer than expected and turned out way longer than expected. I hope you guys weren't looking forward to a plot or anything.

Fred grabbed a bottle off the shelf and examined the label. “Hey, Oscar. Is mead any good?”

FP ran his fingers delicately over several overpriced bottles of scotch.  Was he a scotch guy? Bourbon? Who knew? They were in the small liquor store on Main Street. Fred’s brother Oscar leaned back against the counter with his arms crossed.

“No, you don’t want mead.” Oscar shook his head. “Stick to something you can handle, Freddy. Beer, maybe vodka.”

“No beer.” Fred held the bottle of mead by the neck and made to twirl it through the air. Sensing sure failure, FP grabbed it before it left Fred’s hand and put it back on the shelf. “This is a Lodge event, Oz. Guy doesn’t even get a keg when he has a party. Everyone just drinks champagne and does coke.”

Oscar rolled his eyes. “Sure, kid. As if you’ve ever been invited to a Lodge party.”

“I’ve been to plenty of Lodge parties!”

“Yeah, probably tagging along with Alice or this one. Who’d want your lame ass at their party?”

FP snorted, grabbing a few cheap bottles of whiskey from the bottom shelf and tossing them in the box on the floor. “Hiram always has kegs at his parties, Fred. Otherwise it wouldn't be a party, would it? You need to cut this shit out.”

Fred grabbed the bottle of mead back off the shelf. “What shit?”

“You and Hiram and the whole jealousy thing. You bitching about him gets old quick.”

“Oh yeah,” Oscar agreed. “Damn it, Fred. You’re not going to like mead. Don’t bother.”

“But it’s sweet, right?” Fred put the bottle in the box. “Hermione might like it. She’s sweet.”

FP groaned and swallowed the bitter taste in his mouth. “Hermione, Hermione, Hermione. I’m so sick of Hermione.”

“How can you be sick of her?” Fred asked. “You hardly spend any time with her.”

“No, I do worse. I have to listen to you talk about how amazing she is 24/7. And I’ve yet to see any proof of it.”

“She is amazing. You just don’t want to get to know her.”

“I’ve known her since the third grade. Stuck up then, stuck up now.”

“She is not -”

“Strung you along then too, if I recall.”

“Hermione doesn’t -”

“Have another boyfriend? Pretty sure she does.”

Fred stomped off to the next aisle, collecting a few more bottles in his arms.

“She can’t have another boyfriend, because she doesn’t have any boyfriend!” he called. FP shrugged at Oscar. “I’m not her boyfriend, Hiram’s not her boyfriend. Hermione is not a ‘settle down with a boyfriend’ kind of girl!” He peeked his head over the aisle. FP could practically see him on his tip-toes. “Mom and Dad love her, you know.”

Oscar sighed, walking around to collect the bottles of vodka Fred was examining. He grabbed the cheapest brand off the shelf. When Fred made to protest, he shook his head. “It all tastes the same. Those girls won’t know. And Freddy, Mom and Dad like any girl that gets you out of the house and off your ass. Shit, they like Alice and Mom’s caught her rolling joints on the back porch more than once.”

“Hey, don’t your parents love Mary?” FP called.

“Everyone's parents love Mary. And this isn’t about Mary.” Fred sighed and shoved his hair out of his eyes. “This is about Hermione. Hermione who promised she’d go to the spring fling with me, but then turns right around and agrees to go away for spring break with _Hiram Lodge_? It’s unethical.”

FP resisted banging his head against the shelf. “It’s unethical,” he repeated flatly.

“Yes! For both of them. Hiram and I are supposed to be civil, be gentlemen about this whole thing, take our turns wooing her. How can I compete with spring break away at a cabin? We’re supposed to be on an even playing field. This isn’t even!”

“What are you talking about?” Oscar asked. “There is no even playing field in life. Part of life is dealing with asshole rich kids trying to snatch the girl you like out from under you.”

“Ah, but what if Fred found a way to make the playing field even?” FP asked.

Oscar shook his hand to shush him and put his hands on Fred’s shoulders. “Look. This is going to sound terrible, but you just need to just play dirty sometimes.”

“This is me playing dirty!”

“No, I mean -” Oscar sighed. “Look, maybe woo her with, you know.” He gestured downwards. Fred looked at him blankly. “Your dick, Fred. Woo her with your dick. Sleep with her. Get her out of your system and you’ll be free of her spell on you.”

Fred let out a nervous chuckle. FP came back around him and grabbed his arms, giving him a little shake. “Oh, come on. Fred can’t sleep with Hermione. That would violate the truce.”

Oscar let go of Fred. “The truce?”

“Oh, it’s noth-”

“Freddy, Freddy, Freddy.” FP squeezed his friend’s arms. “Don’t keep secrets from your brother. So Fred and Hiram kept getting in trouble for fighting in school. Bumping fists, the occasional nasty word tossed in for good measure. All for some girl who, quite frankly, has her nose stuck so far up-”

“Watch it.”

“Yeah, yeah. So a truce, like two men. Trade the girl off. Fred one weekend, Hiram the next. Alternate school dances, holidays -”

“It’s not like that.”

“And no sex, right? Sex would be a violation of the truce and call all things null and void.”

“It’s not a contract!”

Oscar shook his head. “That’s the stupidest goddamn thing I ever heard. The girl is playing both of you.”

Fred shrugged FP off and rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, about that. Hermione doesn’t exactly know.”

“Doesn’t know you guys have her on a timeshare?”

FP let out a hoot. “I think I’m going to start calling her Timeshare from now on.”

“How’s this even work? You guys keep a schedule? Pass off a date book? And you never worked out spring break?”

Fred groaned. “I mean, he kept bragging about asking her but I never thought she’d say yes! Especially since we’re going to the Spring Fling together.”

“But she’s only going with you because it’s your dance to take her?”

“Well, yeah but she doesn't know that. I still had to ask her.”

“And how long exactly are you guys planning on doing this?”

“Plan?” FP asked. “Those two don’t have a plan.”

“Until, well, I don’t know.”

“Told you.”

He swatted at FP. “Until she chooses one of us, I guess. Wants one of us to be her actual boyfriend.”

“And you think that could be you?” Oscar shook his head. “What can you offer her that a guy like Hiram Lodge can’t?”

Fred grabbed a few more bottles and placed them in the box. He shrugged, not meeting his brother’s eyes. “Love.”

FP scoffed. “Yeah, well Hiram’s got money and for a girl like Hermione, which do you think counts?”

Fred straighten his back and glared at his friend. “Hermione cares about more than money.”

“Sure. Popularity.”

“I’m about to drive hours to go rescue -”

“Crash. We’re going to crash.”

“Ugh. Fine. I’m going to go drive hours to crash her romantic week with Hiram. Show up with booze and myself and you and you know what that equals?”

Oscar walked behind the counter. “You two getting arrested?”

“No, it equals a good time. Honestly, what the hell are they even going to do up there this whole time?”

FP considered. “You know Alice wouldn’t go with nothing on her.”

“Okay, so they get a little stoned. And do what? Sit in a hot tub for four days while Mary does their homework?” Fred wagged his eyebrows. “We are going to spice things up.”

Oscar leaned over the counter at them. “You considered everything, Freddy? Like what’s Alice going to do to you when you ruin her week too, huh? She’ll skin both you asshole’s alive.”

“Oh, haven’t you guessed?” Fred asked, jutting his thumb at FP. “Alice is the only reason he even wants to go.”

FP glared in his direction and closed the box on the floor. He nodded at Fred to grab one end while he took the other. “Bullshit. I definitely don’t want to go. But Allie’s dad is about ready to kill me and her. Best case scenario is I ditch you up there and talk her into coming back with me.”

“Fat chance.” Fred groaned as they lifted the box and FP had to hold in a smirk. He kept telling the kid to hit the weights and he never listened. “Alice has been looking forward to this trip forever. Hey, get the door, will you, Oz?” Oscar walked back around the counter and held the glass door open for them.

“Alice has not been looking forward to a week with Hiram and Hermione,” FP said. “She’s been dreading it. I heard her giving Hal shit for it the other day.”

“Alice give him shit for everything, doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to go. And honestly, I’m more afraid of ruining her week than I am Hiram’s. I still have a black and blue on my shin from where she kicked me last week.”

“What’d you do?” Oscar asked as he opened the back door of the van. They put the box down and Fred wiped the sweat from his brow with his sleeve. “How are you sweating? You carried that box twenty feet. With help.”

“It’s heavy!” Fred panted. “And all I did was make some crack about her -”

“Hey, we have to get going, Freddy.” FP was bouncing on the balls of his feet, keys jingling in his hand. “We don’t want to get there too late, now do we.”

“Right.” Fred clapped his brother on the shoulder. “Well, Mom and Dad will miss me greatly, so treat them well while I’m gone. It’s my week to take out the garbage, so I guess that’s on you now. And if Hiram shoots me, tell Mom I know I’m her favorite.”

“Don’t tempt fate, Freddy. Lots of people go hunting in those woods.”

FP got behind the wheel and Fred slid into the passenger's side. “Mark my words, brother. If I get shot, it won’t be an accident. Avenge me.”

Oscar pat the side of the van as FP pulled away. Fred watched him in the rearview mirror as he yelled, “Hey, you assholes better pay me when you get back!”

“Love you too!” Fred yelled out the window before pulling himself back in. “He makes it too easy.”

“Keep pulling stunts like that,” FP warned, “and he’ll get you back one day.”

“One day,” Fred laughed. “The only day I’m worried about is today. I’m done worrying about the future. I don’t care about who Hermione’s going to pick down the line anymore. I’m just worrying about spending today with her. And then tomorrow. All one day at a time now.”

“This coming from you? The guy who has all his kids names picked out already?”

Fred bounced up and down in his seat. “That was before, this is _now_.”

“Shame. I couldn’t wait for my nephew Archibald and my niece Belinda.”

“Belinda’s a good name, right? Mary gave me that idea.”

FP pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his shirt pocket. He put one in his mouth and fumbled with his lighter before Fred took it and lit it for him. He took a long drag before speaking.

“I love you, Freddy. You know that right?”

“Forsythe Jones! This is neither the time nor the place to confess your love for me. I mean, I know the Shaggin Wagon is a place of free love and all but -”

FP smacked Fred’s shoulder, but couldn’t help but smile. “Smartass. Look, I’m not going to get mad at you. I just think you’re holding something back from me.”

Fred turned to the window and started drumming his fingers against it. “Oh?”

“I think maybe there’s another reason you don’t want Hermione out there with Hiram.”

Fred stuck a finger in his mouth and started chewing on his nail. “Maybe it’s because Hiram is a rich asshole who’ll never appreciate the goddess that is Hermione Apollonia Nichols like I do?”

“Okay, I mean maybe that too. But Fred. _Fred_.” He hit Fred’s arm again and he pulled his eyes away from the window to look at FP. “I think you slept with her and you don’t want to tell me.”

FP pulled his eyes away from the road for a split second to gauge Fred’s reaction. His eyes were half out of his skull.

“Anyone ever tell you you’d make a shit poker player?”

“No,” Fred muttered, face turning a nice shade of pink. “Oscar always invites me to play with him and his friends.”

He rolled his eyes. “So spill. You think she feels bad she slept with you so now she needs to sleep with Hiram in case it gets back to him?”

Fred’s mouth fell slack. He finally shook his head and spoke. “I don’t know. I guess. I mean a whole week away together?”

“I think they’re actually coming back Friday.”

“Practically a whole week! Think of how many chances, opportunities. God, Mary can only stop him for so long. You don't get nicknamed The Ram just because you're good at wrestling.”

“Okay, once again, it is not Mary’s job to stop them from… from _consummating_ their love.”

Fred scoffed. “Don’t use that word.”

“Consummate?”

“No, love. But also consummate. Too formal and sounds weird coming from you. Hiram doesn’t love her and she doesn’t love him. They love the _idea_ of each other. Hiram wants a trophy wife and Hermione, well - well she just wants -”

“Money?”

“No!”

“Yes! Stop painting her to be this angel. Truth is she likes playing both of you and that’s why she does it.”

Fred shook his head lightly. “No, we really have a connection, you know? We have fun together. She always tells me how the pressure is always off with me. How she feels so safe with me all the time. Clearly if she felt the same way with Hiram, she wouldn’t say those things, right?”

“Sure. You’re pressure free and safe. That screams romance.”

An annoyed grunt escaped Fred’s throat as he crossed his arms over his chest. FP let them settle into a few minutes of comfortable silence before stamping out his cigarette in the ashtray and nudging Fred’s shoulder.

“What?” Fred snapped, not turning to look at him.

“So how was it?”

Fred turned to face him, nose in the air. “A gentleman never kisses and tells.” He fell into a goofy grin. “But if you really want to know - best night of my life.”

“Worth waiting all these years for?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

FP sighed. “Okay then. Lets stop Hiram from getting laid.”

* * *

 

“You guys do know where we’re going, right?” Mary asked from the backseat. She had a map she'd taken from the last rest stop spread out across the three girls lap’s.

Hal was behind the wheel now, so Hiram turned around from the passenger seat and faced Mary with a smile.

“Come on, I’ve been going here since I was a kid. I don’t need a map.”

“Put your seatbelt back on,” Hal whined, glancing at him sideways. Hiram rolled his eyes.

“Plus, those maps are bullshit. They purposely only show you the longer way, cut out the local roads. Want you to waste more gas.”

Mary hummed. “Yeah, sure. It’s just the sign back there definitely said the mountain was -”

“Trust me, Mary. Nothing to worry about.”

“There was a sign?” Hal asked. “Where?”

“Like a mile or so back.”

“I asked you -”

“And I told you, Hal, that’s not the way. I know a shortcut.”

Alice kicked her feet into Hiram’s seat. “God, we’re all going to die. Hal, make sure you ask the next creep on the side of the road for directions. If this is how I go, I’m going out with an interesting story at least.”

Hermione rolled her eyes and leaned past Mary. “If you die, you’ll have no one to tell your interesting story to, now will you?”

“Really? That’s what you got out of what I said?”

“So should I really ask someone for directions?” Hal asked. The rest of the car shouted “No!” in unison.

“I can tell you the exact way to get there.” Mary shoved her glasses up the bridge of her nose, tracing a road with her finger. “We’re here, so we to find a road called -”

Hermione shoved leftmost part of the map off her lap, making Mary lose her place. “Please stop being such a dweeb. Hiram said he knows the way, so he knows the way.” She flicked the rest of the map away. “We don’t need your directions.”

Mary pursed her lips and began folding the map. “I’m just trying to help. We should have been there half an hour ago.”

“Relax. Stop trying to make work for yourself when there is none.”

“Right.” She put her back straight and folded her arms. “I shouldn’t have left my text books in the trunk. I could have been doing actual homework. Distract me. Hey, don’t you have a lot of _chemistry_ to catch up on, Hermione?”

Hermione bit her lip. “Point taken. I do. Guess it’ll have to wait.”

Hiram laughed from the front. “Mary, did you really bring homework with you? It’s spring break.”

Mary blushed. “Spring break doesn’t mean we don’t have work to get done. That World War II term paper is due the end of next week. And we have to finish reading Hamlet.”

“Everyone knows Hamlet already. Haven’t you ever seen the Mel Gibson movie?”

“You still have to actually read it, Hiram.”

Hiram laughed. “You just love making everything hard for yourself.”

“Oh, you know what’d be fun?” Mary unfolded her arms and gave Alice a shake. “We could all read it together! Out loud! You know, someone can be Hamlet, someone Ophelia, Claudius, Polonius.”

Alice rolled her eyes. “You’re suggesting we perform Shakespeare? On spring break?”

“Well, not perform, but read through it. It can be fun! An act a day and we’ll fly through it! Better than watching a movie. Right? Guys?”

Hermione put her finger up to her mouth and considered. “Recite Shakespeare or watch Mel Gibson? What a tough choice.”

“Oh come on,” Mary pleaded. “Hal? You’d rather read it right?”

Hal groaned. “My brain’s checked out for a few days. I don’t have the head space for homework.”

Hiram smacked Hal’s arm and chuckled. “I think the only head you plan on using this week is in your pants.”

“Gross,” Hermione hissed under her breath.

Alice gave another swift kick to Hiram’s seat as Hal shoved him. “Jealous, Hiram?” Alice asked.

He half turned in his seat to face her. “Of you? Always.”

“No, I mean because you won’t be getting any -”

“Hey!” Hal smacked Hiram’s arm again. “Can you not do stuff like that right in front of my _mom_ , by the way? You know how uncomfortable that makes her.”

Hermione perked up. “Uncomfortable what makes her?”

“When Hiram acts all, you know.” Hal let one of his hands off the wheel and gestured. “Running over and _kissing_ me, calling me babe when I answer the phone.”

“Come on. Your mom know I’m kidding around.”

“She really doesn’t.”

Hermione’s mouth made an O shape. “God, that’s why she kept telling me how happy she was I was going on this trip.”

Hiram snorted and Hal glared at him. “It’s not funny. I don’t need my mom thinking you’re, you know.” He dropped his voice. “Gay.”

“You didn’t have to whisper it, Hal,” Mary said, reopening the map. “I think we all got what you were implying. By the way, we just passed another sign for the mountain.”

“Shit. Hiram, you’re supposed to be giving me directions.”

“Well, I was trying to,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck and looking out the window. “Not my fault I have to start defending my sexuality to your mom when she’s not even here.” Hiram pulled down the visor and fixed his hair. “Tell your mom there is only one person in this car I have any sexual feeling towards, and as cute as her son is, it’s not you.”

“Hiram,” Alice snappd. “When you’re done flirting with my boyfriend can you please tell him where the hell to go? We’ve been in this car for nearly three hours.”

Hiram tilted the visor so he could see Alice’s reflection. “Oh, we’re totally lost by this point. I have no clue where we are.” The rest of the car groaned. “Don’t fret. We have an excellent navigator in the backseat.”

“Who? Me?” Mary asked.

“Of course.”

Mary rolled up the map and hit Hal’s shoulder with it. “Pull over. I’ll sit in the front.”

“Don’t pull over, Hal. This is my dad’s car, I’m not sitting in the back.”

“It’s just easier to give directions from a seat I can see out of. Not the middle of the back seat.”

Hal pulled the car over to the side of the road. “Just get in the back, Hiram.”

“Slide over, Alice,” Hermione said quickly. Alice’s hand was already on the door.

“What? Why? Hiram can sit next to you.”

She gave her a pointed glare. “Don’t want to inconvenience anyone more than they have to.”

Mary rolled her eyes and climbed over Alice’s lap. “Just sit next to her please.”

Alice started scooting down the backseat when Hiram got in the car. He gently grabbed her arm.

“Can’t have a catfight in my Dad’s caddy.” Alice fell back in her seat and he climbed over her. “Blood’s a bitch to get out of upholstery.” He slid in next to Hermione and put his arm around her shoulder. “You know that bench seat means there’s room for three in front.”

Mary closed the front door behind her. “Nope, I need room to spread out the map.”

“And I don’t want to die when Alice tries giving Hal a handjob while he’s driving.”

“Hey!” Alice snapped. “That was _one time_.”

“That was never,” Hal said, turning around in the front seat, eyes wide. “That never happened.” Alice smiled at him.

“Of course not, baby.”

Mary snapped her fingers in Hal’s face. She pointed to the map she had spread out between them. “Okay, so if we’re here…”

Alice looked sideways at Hiram and Hermione. Hiram’s chin was resting on Hermione’s shoulder as he whispered something in  her ear. The sour look was melting off the girl’s face as she bit her cheek and held in a smile. Alice tried to hold her eyes from rolling out of her skull. Instead she pulled herself up off the seat and leaned over to the front, long hair falling over part of the map.

“So we just back track maybe five miles to this -” Mary paused and brushed Alice’s hair off the map. “Yeah?”

“So what’s the deal?” Alice whispered, glancing between Mary and Hal. “Are we stopping Hiram from getting laid or what?”

Hal gave her a pointed glare and pressed his finger to his lip. She jutted her head slightly towards them, Hermione now having a fit of giggles as Hiram kept whispering to her.

“Hermione doesn’t know what she wants,” Mary whispered, holding back a sigh. “She changes her mind more often than she changes her shoes. And the girl brought a whole bag of shoes this weekend.”

“She typically just wants what’s right in front of her.” Hal’s eyes flickered back towards them. “I guess right now that’s him.”

Alice shook her head. “It’s just one second she doesn’t want to sit with him and now they’re all cuddled up and making me gag.”

“Like you two are any better,” Mary whispered back. “You distracting Hal when he’s driving is a completely valid reason for you to not sit up here.”

“That never happened!” Hal said frantically. Hiram and Hermione jumped and broke apart.

“Why aren’t we moving yet?” Hermione asked. “How hidden is this place anyway?”

“Middle of nowhere,” Hiram smiled. He pulled Alice back down by the back of her shirt. “Sit down so we can take off, Smith.”

Alice fell back hard into her seat as Mary and Hal figured out the final route. She combed her hair behind her ears and smiled at Hiram.

“So is there a VCR up there? I mean, shit is there even a TV?”

“Is there a…” Hiram scoffed.  “Of course there’s a television at the lodge. Is that a joke? What year is it?”

Mary snorted. “The _lodge_.”

Hiram cocked his eyebrow. “Why’s that funny?”

“You know, Lodge lodge. The Lodge’s lodge. It’s… your last name is Lodge. It’s a cabin, also called a lodge. No one?”

“Jokes aren’t funny if you need to explain them, Mare,” Hermione sung. Mary pursed her lips and turned back around.

“So a VCR too?” Alice asked.

“Not a television set without a VCR. Brand new surround sound speakers too. We spared no expense to make the place cosy as possible.”

“I think we have different opinions of what cosy means,” Hal muttered.

“So you think there’s a video store on the way?” Alice asked hopefully.

“I was joking about watching Hamlet.”

Hermione hit Hiram’s arm. “Don’t joke about Mel Gibson!”

“Hamlet, whatever. We should totally rent some movies though. Horror in particular, for this obvious horror trip we’re on.”

“I hate horror movies,” Hermione whined.

“Well the rest of us love them, right?”

“Lukewarm,” Mary said.

“They’re alright,” Hal said.

Hiram looked sideways at Hermione. “Hate them too.”

Alice let out a frustrated groan. “Come on. Cabin in the middle of nowhere and you guys don’t want to watch Evil Dead? I’m pretty sure it’s bad luck not to.” Everyone looked away from her. “Fine. But when the dweeb who brought her homework gets possessed and I’m the only one who knows that to do, don’t come looking for me. I’ll enjoy my role as the soul survivor.”

“Pretty sure there is a video place in town,” Hiram said. “On the main road. I think the family that owns it actually lives upstairs. But the chances of it being open still are slim. It’s a Sunday and Easter to boot.”

“We could try.”

“I’m sure I left some movies up there from last time.”

“Oh!” Hal hit the steering wheel. “We watched The Goonies last time we were there.”

“That’s a kid’s movie, Hal.” Hermione rolled her eyes and gave Hiram a nudge. “We are not watching kids movies.”

“The Goonies is an excellent movie,” Mary said. “I mean it has everything. Action, adventure, friendship, sprinkling of romance.”

“You two are both so corny, I can’t take it.” Hermione rubbed her temples. “It’s painful.”

Alice glared at her. “The Goonies is a good movie. I mean, as far as kids movies go. I guess it’ll do for tonight. Anything else you might have?” Hiram opened his mouth and Alice waved her finger at him. “No porn. Save that for after the rest of us have gone to bed.”

“Geez, Alice. If I wanted porn all I’d have to do is put ear up to the door of your bedroom in an hour.” Hiram leaned up and tapped Mary’s shoulder. “Good job warding off Mother Coop. You actually sounded believable with the sleeping arrangements.”

Mary pressed her face against the front window. “Right here, Hal. Take this road.” She pulled her face away. “Thanks, I was practicing. I always feel like Mrs. Cooper is trying to catch me in a lie. Like the sweet natured Jewish girl can never been entirely honest.”

“Oh, come on,” Hal sighed. “Is this whole week going to be everyone taking shots at my mom? She actually really likes you, Mary.”

“As far as Jewish girls go, of course.”

“Glad she likes someone in this car,” Alice muttered under her breath.

Hermione smiled brightly. “She loves me. Has since we were kids. Wholesome Catholic girl with a sweet disposition.”

Hiram put his hand on her knee and smiled. “Who could ever resist you?”

“I know, right?”

He looked past her out the window. Sun was just setting but he could make out the sign coming up. _Welcome to Denton!_

“Oh, hey. We’re almost here. You’re going to take a right coming up.”

Mary hit her head back against the seat. “Come on, I thought we agreed I was navigating.”

“You’ll never find the locals roads on a map. We’re close. The road to get into town is coming up, then it’s a straight shot through.”

Hal glanced at Mary. She sighed and waved him on. “We have nothing to lose at this point except time.”

“Time? You in some sort of rush?” Hiram leaned up and rested his elbows on the back of the front seat. “Hot date you’re going to sneak off to in the middle of the woods?”

“No!” Alice gasped. Hiram and Mary both jumped. “Sorry. It’s just… do _not_ go into the woods at night by yourself, Mary! I don’t care what voices you hear.”

“Voices?” Hermione mouthed. “Dear lord.”

“I think it’s an Evil Dead reference,” Mary chimed in.

“It is!” Alice insisted. “Just don’t do it. Seriously.”

Hiram shook his head and looked around the car. “Look, how about no one go into the woods alone ever? At any time of day.”

“Agreed. But especially Mary.”

“Here’s the town - told you, guys. Just a few minutes from here.”

* * *

 

“Still nothing.” Fred kicked the side of the van as FP played with the walkie talkie. The stood in the side parking lot of the small dinner in Denton. “You know those things only have a mile range.”

“We’re less than a mile from this place, Fred. We can practically see it from here.”

“But -”

“No buts, Freddy.” FP shoved the walkie talkie in his hand. “Look, they probably just got sidetracked. Needed to pick up snacks, stop for the bathroom a couple of times - there were five of them in that car afterwards.”

Fred groaned. “How the hell did this tin can beat Hiram’s stupid Mustang?”

FP shook his head. “They couldn’t have taken the Mustang actually.”

“Why not?”

“No way all five of them would fit in it. Not comfortably. Same with Hal’s car.”

Fred snapped his fingers. “Bet they took Mrs. Cooper’s Impala.”

FP laughed. “Hiram Lodge in a station wagon. I can’t even see it. No, no.” He scratched his chin. “His dad has that vintage Caddy, doesn’t he?”

“Goddamnit.” Fred buried his face in his hands. “I know I shouldn’t take the lord’s name in vain on Easter Sunday, but goddamnit. That car isn’t even fair.”

“Hey, look on the bright side. If they’re not there yet, they need to drive right past this way to make it to the cabins. No other roads lead there. Now we know what to look out for. So let’s go inside, get some dinner. If they drive right past us, great. If not, they have to be there by the time we’re done.” Fred sighed. “We’ll even take the walkie talkie inside. Mary said she’d turn it on as soon as they got there.”

“Yeah, okay.” Fred gave the van another light kick. “The milkshakes here better by on par with the ones from Pops. I need comfort in the form of something frozen and chocolatey.”

They walked around to the front of the diner and took a booth in the far right corner, giving FP a perfect view of the oncoming road. The waitress took their order (two cheeseburgers, one order of fries, one order of onion rings, one peanut butter milkshake and one coffee) and they waited. Fred stared out the window.

“Oh yeah, make it really obvious if they come by.”

Fred shrugged. “They can’t see us from that far away.” His eyes fell down to the placemats. “Oh hey. There's a map to color on here! And puzzles! Go ask for some crayons at the front.”

“How old are you?”

Fred pouted. “Oh fine. Just be lookout.”

He walked up to the front where the middle aged waitress was finishing his milkshake.

“A pack of crayons, my dear!” She raised her eyebrow at him and he dropped his grin. He coughed. “Or a pen, or pencil. Need to, uhh… write something down.”

She smirked and popped a straw into his milkshake. “I’ll go get you a pack.”

“Thanks.” He pulled his milkshake closer and took a sip. It was no Pop’s shake, that was for sure, but it wasn’t half bad. He sat on one of the stools and gave it a spin. It felt a lot looser than the ones back home and he was almost afraid it’d topple over if he went around a few more times. He stopped himself and spun in the other direction. Once, twice.

Headlights shinned in through the windows. Someone was parking smack dab in front of the door. Fred squinted, but it was hard to see. He spun around for a third time, fourth time before it hit him. That wasn’t a Cadillac, was it?

He dived off the stool and crawled back to their corner booth where FP was staring intently down at his puzzle placemat and not at the window like he should have been. He tugged him off the seat and under the table with him.

“What the -”

“Shhh!” Fred put his finger up to his mouth and used his other hand to point at the counter. Hiram had taken a seat in the same stool Fred had just gotten out of and Hal was leaning against it.

“Why weren’t you watching?” Fred hissed. “You had one job!”

“I was trying to figure out the stupid riddle on this placemat!” FP slowly worked his hand up to the table and took the paper placemat.

“A children’s riddle? Are you serious? _That’s_ what was distracting you?” He pointed back out under the table. “One job! For two minutes you had to look out a window! Give me that!”

FP held the paper away. “No! Rip it or crumble it up and they’ll hear!”

Fred peaked back out. The waitress was walking away and Fred assumed she’d just taken their order. His milkshake was still on the counter, too close to Hiram for his comfort.

Fred sat down and pulled his knees up to his chest. Both his and FP’s heads were nearly touching the underneath of the table.

“You think the girls are still in the car?” FP asked. “You see them?”

Fred shook his head. “I just saw a car pull up and ran. No way they could have seen me.”

“They could have. It’s easy to see into a lit place from the dark -”

“Boys?”

Both of them jumped at the voice. A pair of sneakered feet were in front of them. The waitress was looking under the table.

“Everything okay?”

“Just peachy, Beverly.” Fred said in a low voice while smiling at her. “My friend here has panic attacks sometimes when he’s in a new place. Needs to just check out for a few minutes. I’m keeping him company.”

Beverly put her hand over her heart and bit her lip. “If that isn’t the sweetest thing. I wish it was a little cleaner down there for you fellows. Well, when you’re ready, foods on the table. Brought your milkshake and crayons too.”

“You’re a doll, Bev.”

“If I can do anything else for -”

“Actually you can,” FP spoke suddenly. Fred wanted to kick him for talking. “Can you tell us when those guys at the counter leave? Honestly, they just spooked me. Don’t know why. Just look at them. I don’t trust them.”

She looked over her shoulder. “Those boys over there?” While she hadn’t seemed at all bothered by them before, she now eyed them suspiciously. “They just have a to-go order. And a gaggle of girls in the car with them, from the looks of it. I’ll tell the cook to rush it. Get them right out of here for you boys.”

FP smiled at her too and Fred swore she started blushing. “You really are a doll, Beverly.” When she left, FP turned his grin on Fred. “A gaggle of girls. I can’t tell if she was disapproving or impressed two guys like them could rope in so many girls at once.”

Fred rolled his eyes. “It’s the car. Definitely the car.”

* * *

 

Hiram unlocked the door and held on to the handle with both hands.

“Ready ladies? Prepare to be wowed.”

Hermione let out a little squeal, bouncing in her sandals. “Don’t keep us in suspense. Open it!”

Hiram swung the door open and gestured them in in a row. Hermione, Mary, Alice, Hal. Hiram walked in behind his friend and closed the door behind them.

Lights were all on, place was warm. (Hiram could smell the firewood burning from the living room.) A note from the housekeeper sat on the small side table in the foyer where Hiram dropped the car keys. He glanced quickly over it, stating she’d couldn’t wait any longer for them to show up, fire was lit, give her a call in town if he had any problems.

Mary let out a low whistle, running her hand along the wood paneled walls. “Wow. Fancy stuff.”

Hal went straight into the living room and dropped the bag of food on the coffee table. He walked up to the big screen TV (trying to push his mother’s voice out of his head about lavishness and humility) and got on his knees in front of it, pushing a few things on top of the VCR around until he found it.

“Hey, The Goonies is still here!” he called. Hermione groaned as she walked into the room, but caught herself at the sight.

“Oh my God!” The far wall of the room was almost entire sliding glass and overlooked part of the woods and the neighboring town. “This is amazing! When you said there was a view, I never imagined…”

Hiram came in behind her and rested his chin on her shoulder.

“Isn’t it awesome? Looks the best in the dead middle of winter when everything is frosted with snow, but this will do. You girls want to check out the patio? Hot tub’s out there.”

Mary and Alice came in behind them as Hiram was sliding open the door. Alice was wide eyed at the view, but quickly shook it off.

“Glad no one’s sleeping out here. Spooky.”

Hiram closed his eyes and wrapped his arm around Hermione’s waist, giving her the slightest squeeze. She glanced at him knowingly. He was not having Alice ruin his trip already.

“Spooky?” he asked flatly. “What’s spooky about it?”

Alice crossed her arms over her chest and shrugged, side stepping closer to Hal. “I don’t know. I’d just feel so exposed, you know? Like anyone could walk by and look in.”

“Well, we’re in the middle of nowhere. No one’s likely to stroll through the patio without us knowing.”

“Alice is right,” Mary agreed. “I’d feel exposed sleeping out here. There aren’t even curtains.”

“So outside?” Hiram asked quickly, pulling Hermione to the glass door.

Alice took Hal’s hand. “Yeah, you guys go outside. We’ll settle in. I want to see our room.”

“Me too.” Mary was already taking a step backwards. “Maybe unpack, settle in.”

Hermione gently pulled Hiram’s hand off her waist. “I should unpack too. We’ll all meet back in here in... lets say fifteen?”

“Perfect.” Alice took off at a run, dragging Hal behind her. “Don’t wait up if we’re a little longer though!”

Mary rolled her eyes but followed the couple out.

“Hey, fifteen means fifteen guys!” Hiram called after them.  “So you decide which room you want to stay in?”

Hermione avoided his eyes and took a few steps away, pretending to admire the trinkets on top of the mantle.

“I mean, I guess the room with Mary is technically the room I’m staying in, right?”

He looked put out. “Yeah, if that’s what you want.”

She came back to him and put her hands on his chest. “Look. How about I unload my stuff in Mary’s room and I’ll… I’ll come by your room tonight, okay?” She waved a finger at him before he could open his mouth, the put off look being replaced with a sly grin. “That doesn’t mean any funny business and it doesn’t mean I’m staying the whole night. Capisce?”

He quickly pulled her hands off his chest and pulled her close, pressing his lips against hers. While her brain told her to break away, she found her body leaning against his. She wrapped her arms around his neck, falling into his kiss, breathing in his scent. He broke the kiss first - Hiram Lodge always having to make the power move - leaving her wanting more. He looked down at her with passion in his eyes.

“Capisce. No funny business, right?”

He tugged her hand and led her down the hallway towards the bedrooms. She was shocked at all the stuff hanging on the walls. The Lodge’s Riverdale house looked more like a museum. Mrs. Lodge always muttering about “less is more” when it came to decorating. But here, in the Lodge’s lodge, there were pictures and trinkets and trophies and stuff that made it look like an actual home.

“This is the kids room.” They stopped outside the first door. “It shares a wall with the living room, so be careful. Easy to be overheard in here.” He swung the door open to a room with two full sized beds. Mary was sitting at the desk. She gasped at the door opening and slammed down a book.

“Geez!” She grabbed her chest. “You guys scared me.”

Hermione laughed, tossing her bag on the empty bed. “What’s got you so jumpy, Mare?”

“Nothing.” She started arranging her school books on the desk so they’d hide the walkie talkie. “Nothing at all.”

* * *

 

Alice kicked the door to the next bedroom shut with her foot, and leaned back against it, letting her Riverdale High Athletics bag fall to the floor at her feet. She put her ear up to the door for a second before smiling coyly at Hal. She let out a breathless, “Oh, thank God.”

“What?” Hal asked her. He threw his own bag onto the single queen size bed. When he turned back around, Alice was already coming at him.

“You can hardly hear anything through the door.” She placed both hands on his chest and shoved him back onto the bed. “Good. I thought we were going to scar poor Mary for life this week.”

Hal let out a laugh as Alice climbed on top of him. “Oh? And how were we going to scar her?”

“I can think of a few ways.” She leaned down towards his face, letting her long hair fan out around him. She placed a single hard kiss on his mouth before working her way down to his neck. “I’m not being quiet, for starters,” she muttered in between kisses. “Every time you shush me, I’m getting louder. You might have to find ways to shut me up.”

He could already feel all the blood rushing out of his head and to other parts of his body. He placed his hands delicately on Alice’s shoulders and pushed her away, trying to take control of the situation. “Hey, we uh… we should probably wait for tonight, you know?”

Alice bit her lip. “It is tonight already.” She scooched down a few inches and started unfastening his belt. “You’re making me spend my entire spring break with Hermione. You owe me.”

“We only have a few minutes –”

She ran her hands along the front of his pants, earning a sharp inhale from Hal. “Oh, I don’t think it’ll take more than a few minutes.” She smiled down at him again as she unzipped his fly. “Now just let –”

Hal grabbed both her wrists. Alice let out a gasp as he pulled her down onto his chest.

“Stop it, Alice.”

She looked at him wide eyed as the corners of her mouth started twitching into a grin.

“Oh.” Her voice came out softly, but he could hear the excitement buried underneath. “Are we playing this game?”

“Yeah.” He let go of her wrists and she straightened her back. “You have to listen.”

Her finger started dancing on his chest. “I’m listening.”

He turned his wrist so he could see his watch. “Okay, we have two minutes.”

Alice’s face finally broke into a full out smile as she laughed. “Oh, come on. It’s going to take you longer than two minutes.”

“No. We need to wait another two minutes.”

She looked down at his watch. “Why? What happens at 9:15?”

“You’ll see.”

“A surprise?”

Hal nodded. Alice clapped her hands together and started to bounce lightly on top of him. He took a deep breath and placed his hands on her hips to stop her. She smiled back down on him again, squeezing her thighs ever so slightly.

“Oh no. Am I getting you excited?”

“Cut it out.”

She fought against his grip and started rocking her hips back and forth. “It certainly _feels_ like you’re getting excited.”

“I told you we don’t have time right now. Everyone wants to eat and watch a movie.”

“You’d rather watch The Goonies with running commentary from Mary than –”

“Oh, hey. 9:15.” He looked up from his watch. “Happy anniversary.”

Alice frowned down at him. “Anniversary? Is it?”

“Yeah.” He reached up and stroked her cheek. “One year since our first kiss. Hiram’s party last year. We were in the yard and –”

“And you remember what time it was?”

He grinned sheepishly. “I, uh… I looked at my watch right after.”

She stared down at him for a few seconds before finally laughing. She placed her hands on either side of his head. “You are so unbelievably corny, Coop.” She kissed him. “But so Goddamn cute. Happy anniversary.” She leaned for another kiss and he pulled away.

“You have to open your present first.”

She sat back up. “Present?”

“It’s in my bag. Should be right on the top when you open it.”

Alice looked between him and the bag before she finally pulled it closer. She unzipped it slowly and finally let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

“Oh my God,” she laughed. “I thought you were being serious about a present for a second.” She pulled a box of condoms out of the bag. “You scared me.”

“No, not that.” He propped himself up on his elbows. “There really is something in there for you. Must have fell between things. I had to throw some stuff in last minute so my mom wouldn’t see.”

Alice pursed her lips and dug through the bag. “Because your mom packed for you?”

“She didn’t. She just – just took everything back out after I packed to make sure I didn’t forget anything.”

“I think I found – oh! _Hal_.” She pulled out a pair of handcuffs. “I didn’t think you’d really –”

“Ah!” He grabbed them from her. “I, well… you said make this trip worth your while. I get if you don’t want to –”

She tried yanking them back, but Hal wouldn’t let go. “Of course I want to try them!”

“This isn’t, ugh. No, Alice. There is an actual gift in there.” He tossed the handcuffs to the head of the bed, out of both of their reach. “Those are, well, later maybe?”

“Hmm.” She stuck her hand back into the suitcase, looking a little let down. She finally pulled out a small wrapped box with a bow on top. “Oh.”

Hal placed his hands back on her hips and gave her a squeeze. “That’s it.”

She stared at it for a few moments before giving him a quick smile. “Thank you, Hal. This was very nice of you.”

“Alice, you haven’t even opened it.”

“I’ll open it later.”

“Later? No. I want to see the look on your face.”

Alice pursed her lips. “Okay. Sure.” She undid the bow slowly and took the lid off, trying not to meet Hal’s excited gaze as she did so. She caught the lump in her throat as she took the small jewelry box out from inside and popped it open. “Earrings?” He nodded. “They are lovely. Thank you.” She put them back in the box and placed it on his chest. “But I can’t take them.”

His face fell. “What? What do you mean you can’t take them?”

She tucked her hair behind her ears on either side, willing herself not to start biting her nails or yelling. “Hal, they’re beautiful. Gorgeous even –”

“You like them though. Hermione said you look at them every time you go to –”

“Hermione?” She paused with her hands still in her hair. “What the hell does Hermione have to do with anything?”

“Well, she works the jewelry counter at Spiffies. You see, first I was going to get you perfume, but Mary said –”

“Mary? You dragged Mary into this too?”

“What the hell is going on? I thought you’d like them.”

“Well, you thought wrong.” She climbed off of him and jumped off the bed. “In fact, were you thinking at all? Why would you buy me something that expensive?”

“They weren’t _that_ expensive.”

“Well, maybe not to you.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “You think I can go home with real white gold hoops in my ears? With tiny little precious stones in them?”

“I just wanted to get you something nice.”

“Nice? Oh please. Those are so nice my dad is going to see them from a mile away and ask me how much dick I had to suck to earn them. Is that what you want?”

“Alice –”

“No, Hal! Don’t _Alice_ me. You know perfectly well I can’t take those and you got them for me anyway. Does it make you feel good? Giving me something you know I can’t accept?”

“God Alice, you’re overreacting. I didn’t get you perfume because Mary pointed out it’s more noticeable than jewelry. He’d smell it on you. But your dad is a no good drunk. He’s not perspective enough to notice your fucking earrings.”

“Fuck you.” Alice shook her head at him. “Fuck you, Hal. Your mother is a self-righteous, stuck up cunt, but I don’t go pointing that out to you all the time.” She picked up her bag and opened the door. “Have fun taking care of yourself tonight. I’m bunking with Mary.”

“Alice, wait!” he followed her down the hallway where she was banging open the door of the next bedroom. She walked inside and tossed her bed next to where Hermione was sitting.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Hermione asked.

“Out. I’m sleeping in here tonight.”

Hal came into the room and grabbed Alice’s arm. “Just come back and talk to me.”

She spun around and smacked him in the chest. “Get out of here. I told you I’m sleeping in Mary’s room.”

Mary shifted uncomfortable at the desk. “Hey, Alice, you guys should just go talk. No point disrupting everything now.”

Hermione picked up Alice’s bag put the strap and held it out to her like it was going to bite her. “Plus, I’m sleeping in here.”

“Oh yeah?” Alice lightly slapped Hermione’s hand until she dropped her bag. “How about you sleep in Hal’s room tonight, huh? God knows you’re comfortable enough lounging around his bed when I’m not there.”

Hermione held her hands up in defence. “You know what? I’m walking away. I’m not giving you the satisfaction of an argument right now. I suggest you do the same, Hal.” She walked to the doorway and gestured Mary. Mary took one look at he stack of books and followed. She took two steps back, about to ask if they wanted the door closed when Hal slammed it in her face.

“What was that all about?” Hiram asked when they got back to the living room. He was taking food out of the bag and separating orders. Hermione collapsed next to him, finally feeling the weight of the day on her. Had this really been the same day she’d went to church this morning in her new dress? Spent her afternoon at the Cooper’s Easter brunch? The same day she’d discovered Hal’s kinky drawer buried in his bedside table?

Hiram leaned back and tossed an arm around her, leaving Mary to pass out the food. She couldn’t help herself and nestled against him, taking in the sharp smell of his cologne.

“Typical Alice and Hal,” Hermione said, stifling a yawn. “Hal did something and Alice is being bitch.”

“What did -”

“ _Asshole_ !” rung out across the room. Hiram winced. “ _You don’t even realize how stupid you are sometimes_!”

“Ugh. Told you. You can hear nearly everything from that bedroom in here.”

“ _Oh okay, I’m an asshole, but at least I’m not so crippling insecure that I can’t even take a compliment from my boyfriend! Or a gift!”_

“ _Oh, I’m sure you take plenty of gifts from your boyfriend, Hal!”_

“ _Real mature! First you’re jealous of Hermione, now Hiram? You’re crazy!_ ”

There was silence for a moment, followed by what sounded like a slap. All three of them cringed.

“ _I’m not jealous of anyone! Fuck you! You’re crazy!_ ”

Mary passed the two their burgers. “Hiram, maybe you should go in there?”

“What? And get slapped too?” He unwrapped his food. “Nah, they need to get it all out or they’re going to be pissy all week.”

“ _\-  you’d still be a virgin following Hiram around like a puppy trying to nail the girls he rejects!_ ”

Hermione bit her lip, trying to hold in a grin. “Harsh. I’m pretty sure if he didn’t have Alice he would have just eventually gave in to Penelope.”

Mary fiddled with the hem of her vest, suddenly not all that hungry. Butterflies may have been fluttering in her stomach all day, but now they felt more like a litter of kittens aggressively scratching at her insides, telling her this week was a bad idea. Fred and FP were lurking somewhere in the woods because of her. Alice and Hal were fighting. Hiram and Hermione were all over each other. Why had she ever agreed to this? Especially when they were playing Raiders of the Lost Arc at the Twilight tomorrow night.

“Where’s the remote, Hiram?” she finally asked, half heartedly biting into a fry. “Maybe we can drown them out.”

A sudden noise against the wall made them all jump, Hermione nearly dropping her onion rings to the floor. The same noise came again, slightly less loud this time. The three all looked at the wall.

“What’s against that wall?” Hermione asked.

Hiram laughed down at his food. “The desk.”

The noise was coming in steady, every few seconds. Almost as if a rhythm was building. Hermione met Mary’s eyes and both pulled a face.

“Ugh.” Hermione tossed her onion rings on the coffee table. “You don’t think they’re…”

A moan traveled through the walls. Hiram laughed.

“I think it’s the only way they know to make up after a fight.”

“That was quick.”

“Wait.” Mary looked panicked. “My books are on that desk. You don’t think they… they’re on them?”

“Nah.” Hiram held up his finger. “Listen to the rhythm. They’re probably up against the desk as opposed to on the desk.”

Hermione tried to push the image out of her head. “You’re really worried about school at a time like this, Mary?”

“No, I’m worry about… about naked people and bodily fluids on my books!”

“You can have sex without being naked, Mary.” Hiram raised his eyebrows at her and Mary blushed again.

“I know that. It’s just gross is all.”

“Sex isn’t gross.” Hermione shoved an entire onion ring in her mouth as the moaning got louder. “I mean, what _they’re_ doing is gross. Just listen to them. We’re right here. But normal, not disgusting people having sex is totally normal. You should try it some time.”

Mary’s face matched her hair again. She glared at Hermione. “Plan on getting some biology homework done tonight, Hermione?”

“Don’t you mean chemistry homework?”

“I don’t even know what I mean.”

Hiram interjected. “God, no homework! Lets just turn on the TV until they’re done. Don’t worry. Quick Draw in there never takes long.”

Mary paused with her burger a few inches from her lips. “Eww. Why do you know that, Hiram?”

Hiram laughed and reached for the remote control on the coffee table. His eyes darted to the windows for a moment and he did a double take. No, no one was out there. Alice was just putting silly ideas in his head. Plus, everyone knew you couldn’t see out a dark window from a brightly lit room. Just his eyes playing tricks on him.

“Hiram?” Hermione pulled him out of his daydream, sending a puzzling look out the window. “What are you looking at?”

He leaned down and planted a kiss on the top of her head. “Nothing, nothing. Come on, lets catch the end of Perfect Strangers while we wait for them.”

Hermione dragged her eyes away from the window. “If you say so.”

 


	3. Monday, April 12th, 1992

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long single day chapters? Impossible. Will try to stick to about this length from now on and stop caring about how long the day is.
> 
> Also, wow I can't believe it didn't even occur to me the first day of this fic is April 11th which is my dad's birthday. If that isn't a good sign of how much I love writing this one, I don't know what is.

BONG BONG

Hermione sat up straight. When had she dozed off? She looked wearily around her, wondering exactly when her shoes had come off and when she had curled herself into Hiram on the loveseat.

BONG

“What is that?” she groaned. She hoped no one else could hear the sleep deprived crankiness in her voice.

BONG

Hiram jutted his head towards the hall, stifling a yawn. Had he fallen asleep too? “Grandfather clock. It’s midnight.”

BONG

“It only goes off at midnight?”

BONG

“And noon. Be glad it doesn’t go off every hour.”

BONG

Hal was stretched out on the couch with his head in Alice’s lap. Alice was the only one who looked remotely awake, running her fingers delicately through Hal’s hair, mussing it up.

BONG

Mary was fast asleep on the oversized stuffed chair. Her head rolled to the side, but she didn’t wake.

BONG

The credits for The Goonies were rolling along the screen. The last thing Hermione remembered was the wishing well scene. Had she really been asleep for that long?

BONG

“We should get to bed.” Hal sat up and rubbed his eyes. “I am beat.”

BONG

Alice hopped off the couch and made to touch Mary’s arm. Hiram jumped, waving furiously at her to stop.

BONG

“What?”

“Don’t wake up Mary,” he hissed. “She looks so peaceful.”

Alice narrowed her eyes at Hiram. “You think we should just leave her out here?”

“She’s asleep. What’ll she know? Not our fault she sleeps like the dead.”

Alice’s eyes traveled to Hermione. She started pulling her sandals on to avoid Alice’s gaze.

“Hermione can’t possibly sleep in that room by herself.”

“Sure she can.” Hiram laughed. “You’re our resident horror aficionado, yet you seem to be the only one afraid of this cabin.”

Alice scoffed. “I am not afraid. Mary said all those windows were creepy too.”

Hermione let out a groan, making the other three turn her way. “Mary just said that to agree with you, Alice. Let it go.”

“She did not. This room is creepy. Anyone could -”

Hal cut her off. “Do you want us to carry her to bed?”

Alice stamped her foot down. “No! Lets just wake her up. She’ll be freaked if she wakes up out here alone. Or more so if she wakes up in the dark bedroom with no idea of how she got there.”

Hermione hummed, trying not to roll her eyes. “Yeah, the shock might kill her.”

“It could. You don’t know.”

Hal wrapped his arms around Alice. “She’ll be fine. Hermione will be in there.”

“Oh, will she?” Alice pursed her lips and looked at Hermione. “Will you?”

Hermione resisted mocking Alice’s face. “Of course. Where else would I be?”

Alice met her eyes before slowly dragging them away to Hiram. Hiram sent her a grin and she finally slumped her shoulders.

“Fine, leave her out here. You two idiots would probably bang her head against the doorframe if you tried carrying her.”

Hiram dropped his grin as Alice and Hal left down the hall to their room.

“Who do you think we are, your buddies Andrews and Jones? We’d be careful with her.”

“Unlikely!” Alice called over her shoulder. Hermione caught a glimmer of something near Alice’s ear as she shook her head rounding the corner.

A door closed a few seconds later and Hermione clicked her teeth before she could help herself.

Hiram passed her a blanket from the loveseat. “Hmm?”

She shrugged, delicately fanning the blanket over Mary. She sent out a silent prayer that her friend wouldn’t wake up. Last thing she needed was another stealthy conversation in front of Hiram.

“She’s wearing the earrings,” Hermione finally said. “Alice throws some big fit about how she doesn’t want them and how she can’t take them and now she’s wearing them. Way to be some Southside, classless stereotype. A boy gives you a nice gift, you say thank you and take it. Don’t make a big fuss just to make him feel bad.”

When she turned back around, Hiram was smiling. “She really knows how to push your buttons, huh?”

Hermione rolled her eyes. “Oh please. She does not push my buttons. I don’t give Alice Smith the satisfaction of getting anywhere near my buttons.” She bit the inside of her lip. “She’s just awful sometimes. And the way she talks to Hal? She brings out something ugly in him.”

“Uh huh.” Hiram put one hand on her shoulder and brushed some hair behind her ear. “What do you care? You’re already way nicer wearing earrings than those. Hell, you can laugh at her tomorrow when her ears turn green from whatever cheap crap Hal brought her.”

Hermione let out a mock gasp and hit Hiram’s hand away. “Cheap crap? You watch your mouth, Mr. Lodge. I sold Hal those earring and got a nice commission off of them too. No ears are turning green wearing jewelry from Spiffy’s.”

Hiram leaned in close to her and whispered, “Do they pay you to say that?”

“Hiram!” She gave him a playful hit on his chest, open palmed. She let her hand linger for just a few seconds. Just long enough for Hiram’s eyes to travel down and stare . He placed his hand on top of hers and -

Mary let out a snore, making both of them jump. Hiram let out a laugh and laced his fingers through hers.

“We can wait out here awhile for her to wake up,” he said softly. “Or... we can wait in my room.”

Hermione knew if she was going to do this she needed to stop thinking and just act. Mary was the queen of overthinking, not her. Despite her already having a good time, just being in the same room with Mary’s sleeping figure was making her wonder why they had come on this trip in the first place.

No, better to just let Mary sleep and make this mistake tonight. Her own mistake. If it was a mistake that was. Maybe the night with Fred a few weeks ago had been the actual mistake. Or maybe none of it was a mistake. Why should she feel guilty for playing the field a bit? Guys got congratulated when they were messing around with two different girls. She shouldn’t be made to feel like a slut just because she was messing around with two guys.

And there was Mary’s presence in the room. Making her think for Christ’s sake.

“She’s going to feel like hell in the morning,” Hiram said, breaking the silence. Had she waited too long to answer? Mary’s long legs were curled up underneath her body and her head was lolled off to the side. “Maybe we should -”

“We will,” Hermione said quickly. “Of course we’ll wake her up. In a bit. I just think - I think you’re right. We should wait in your room. You know, for her to wake up herself.” She raised her eyebrows and tilted her head slightly. Any trace of sleep was gone from either of their faces.

Hiram gulped and Hermione held in her laughter. She never thought she’d see the day Hiram Lodge looked nervous.

“So should we -”

“ _Yes_.” Hiram grabbed her hand and pulled her down the hall. “Lets go.”

She giggled and ran after him, knowing that Alice and Hal could probably hear their steps as they ran past their room, but not caring.

A small, staticy noise came from the smallest bedroom, but no one was there to hear it.

* * *

 

Outside, two grumpy boys huddled together for warmth.

“Lets chase Hermione to the end of the Earth, he says. Lets go run away to this stupid cabin in the middle of nowhere, he says. Why the hell do I ever listen to you?”

Fred yawned dramatically. He let his head fall on to FP’s shoulder. “Because I occasionally come up with good ideas?”

“Do you?” The two of them sat against the back of the house, asses freezing against the cold concrete. “Hey, go peek back through the door. See if they’re still watching the movie.”

Fred lifted his head from FP’s shoulder and put it right back down. “Must be. Light’s still on.”

FP shrugged him off and gave him a little shove. Most people would have just rolled their eyes, but it seemed liked Fred rolled his entire body instead. He crawled towards the glass door.

The nerve. Fred getting annoyed that his own plan required work. FP couldn’t tell who he was more annoyed with. Fred for dragging him here, Hermione for drawing Fred here, or stupid Alice for not giving him a heads up she was running away for the week without telling her dad.

He supposed blame could be put on Hiram as well for planning the weekend. Maybe Hal for talking Alice into going. Or hell, even Mary for agreeing to Fred’s stupid plan. All he knew for sure was that this week was bound to be hell. If they even made it through the night that was.

Fred was on his knees, pressing his face against the glass. FP had to resist the urge to run up and pull him back.

“Fred!” his hissed. “What’re you doing? Get back!”

Fred pulled his face away and shook his head. “They’re gone. All I can see is some red hair hanging off the back of this chair. It must be Mary, but she’s just sitting there.”

FP started crawling towards Fred, still not ready to expose himself by standing up. “Maybe she’s asleep.”

“Asleep?” Fred shuddered. “Alone in that room? With all these windows anyone could be looking through? No way.” He peered back inside and put his knuckles up to the window, giving a tiny knock. FP ducked down to the ground. No one would be able to see him unless they walked right up to the sliding glass doors and looked out, but he didn’t want to take the risk.

Fred’s face was up against the door, his breath leaving fog on what was probably freshly cleaned glass. He knocked again, a little harder this time.

“Shit.” He broke his face away to look at FP. “Maybe she really is sleeping.”

FP tossed his head back and groaned. “That’s that. Lets go back to the van.”

“The van? Why? We can’t give up yet.”

“Our only shot of getting inside that cabin is sleeping like the dead fifteen feet away. So unless you want to walk around front and ring the damn bell, we might as well go sleep in the van tonight.”

Fred slumped down onto his heels, pouting. “Mary’s asleep. Doesn’t mean everyone’s asleep.”

FP blinked a few times. “Fred, that was a joke. We are not ringing the bell.”

“No, but maybe someone else will let us in.”

“You think Alice is going to welcome us with open arms if we knock on her window?”

“She might.”

“God, I hope she’s got her boots on when she finds us and kicks your dumbass again.”

“Come on.” Fred jumped up, all of a sudden full of energy. “We’ll just peek in a few windows. Worst we’re going to get is an eye full, right?”

“Fred, no.” Fred was already half skipping around the side of the house. “This is a bad idea!” he yelled after his friend, but took off on a trot after him anyway.

* * *

 

Hermione stepped into the room first and turned on her heel as Hiram closed the door. She wrapped her arms around his neck and smashed her face against his. Her teeth hit his rather unceremoniously and something between a grunt and a moan escaped his mouth as she refused to break apart. She took a few steps back as their lips and tongues finally found a rhythm and started working together into something that resembled kissing.

There was an image in her head she wanted to recreate. One where she fell back gracefully in slow motion on to the plush king size bed and Hiram jumped right on top of her.

Instead, she tripped over his suitcase and ended up on her ass on the carpet. Hiram came crashing down right after her, landing on his knees at her feet.

A disaster. She burst into laughter, Hiram not far behind.

Hermione buried her face in her hands as she calmed herself. “What is wrong with me?”

“Nothing, nothing.” She felt Hiram’s hand on her knee. “You tripped. You just uhh… didn’t take in your surroundings.”

She pulled her hands away and met Hiram’s eyes. He nodded towards the other side of the room. She got up on her knees and looked over the bed. Just like in the living room, there was a huge picture window here too. It was much too dark to see more than the distant lights outside, but she could only imagine the view was as nice as it was from the other room.

“Oh, Hiram.” She stood up, wiping the back of her dress off. “This is insane. I bet it looks amazing during the day.”

“Ah. This window here?” He was right behind her now, wrapping his arms around her waist and speaking against her neck. She felt a fluttering in her core. “Actually, this room faces the east, so the view from here looks best at dawn. I hope you’re still around to see it.”

Hermione sucked a breath in. There it was. Everything with Hiram a planned out line, a game. Good thing she liked to play too.

“Oh my, Hiram.” She turned her head to look at him. “Is it really going to take you that long?”

He bit his lip for a split second before dropping down and scooping her up in his arms. She let out a squeal as he dropped her on the bed and climbed on top of her. Not exactly the image in her head, but it worked. She kicked off  her sandals as Hiram went to work on her neck, leaving small, hot kisses that she knew wouldn’t leave marks like Fred’s always did.

She heard her shoes fall somewhere off the foot of the bed just as she reached for Hiram’s thin sweater and pulled it over his head, breaking his lips away from hers momentarily. She tossed his shirt to the floor and placed her hands delicately on his chest, running her nails lightly down towards his abdomen.

Hiram shot her a grin. “Like what you see?”

“You’re just so smooth.” She was sure she had a goofy smile on her face but she was beyond caring. “I’ve seen you without a shirt on before. I just don’t remember it like this.”

He shrugged as Hermione sat up, shoving his hand to the zipper on the back of her dress. Before he even had a chance to tug it down all the way, Hermione was pulling the dress down her body, kicking it off her legs. She laid back down against the mountain of pillows and smirked at him.

“Well? Like what you see?”

Her bra and panties were a matching set in black lace, brought on store credit in the department store she worked in on weekends and snuck home in the bottom of her purse.

Hiram was slack jawed, his eyes tracing her body. When he finally met her eyes, she was taken back by the hunger in it. He bit his lip and nodded.

“I definitely like what I see.”

Hiram had gotten her bra off more times than she could count, even snuck his hand into her panties a few times while parking. But never this. Never had she laid herself out in front of him in a well lit room like she was the brunch buffet at the Cooper’s Easter party. Hell, even with Fred it had been spur of the moment, in the dark of Fred’s bedroom under a homemade quilt while his parents were away for the weekend.  Her own parents had thought she was studying at Mary’s.

A kiss on her cheek. Her chin. Her neck. Hermione unbuckled his belt and pulled his pants down as far as she could. Hiram quickly worked his way down her collarbone. She spoke when he was just reaching the cup of her bra.

“Hey, you have something, right?”

Hiram stopped and broke away from her chest. She almost laughed when he looked up at her.

“Something?” His eyes were bugged out. “Like VD? Of course not.”

She let out a shrill giggle without meaning to and quickly covered her mouth.

“No, Hiram. Jesus. I mean you have protection, right?”

He pushed off of her and sat back on his knees, the look replaced with confusion and sheepishness. “Protection?”

She nodded. “You know, condoms.”

“Condoms?” He licked his lips. “I, uhh… I thought you told me you were on the pill.”

She narrowed her eyes. “I am on the pill. What’s that have to do with using a condom?”

Hiram’s mouth was ajar. He closed his eyes and gave his head a shake. “You’re right. Totally right. I guess I just, I forgot to pack them. I mean,” he smiled at her, trying to cover his panic, “I mean I didn’t want to assume anything was going to happen.” He rubbed the back of his neck, looking all too much like the 16-year-old boy he was. “That’d be pretty presumptuous, huh? Assuming we’d be doing anything that required condoms.”

Hermione folded her arms over her chest, covering as much of her breasts as she could. “Very presumptuous,” she said coldly. “In fact, the only thing I can think of that’s more presumptuous is assuming that we wouldn’t be using them if we did do anything.”

“I -”

“I guess we’re on pause right now. Better run down the hall and get one.”

“Down the hall?”

She glared at him. “From Hal. Go get a condom from Hal.”

“Oh come on.” He got off his knees and leaned back over her. She didn’t change her stance. “They’re probably already in the middle of it. I don’t want to interrupt.”

“Gosh, you’re right. Guess you should pull your pants back up then.”

“Right.” Hiram nodded and pulled back from her. “Just I’m not even sure if the two of them use condoms. You know what they say about those Southside girls after all.”

Hermione rolled her eyes. How stupid did he think his own friend was? “Well if they don’t use them, we’re in luck. I saw Hal pack a box.”

“Okay,” Hiram sighed. “So I guess... we’re pausing?”

“Well, there is an alternative.” Hermione unfolded her arms and sat up straight. Hiram perked up. She ran a single finger nail down the center of his chest.

“Oh yeah?”

She nodded enthusiastically. “Uh huh,” she said breathlessly. “If you’re really too embarrassed to go ask your friend for a goddamn condom, we can just go play a game of Uno and you can kiss all chances of this happening,” she gestured between the two of them, “goodbye.”

Hiram stared at her wide eyed. She held in her gulp, almost afraid she scared him off, until he broke out into a wicked grin. He pressed a hard kiss on to her lips. “Be right back, babe.”

He pushed himself off the bed and took off towards the door, pulling up his pants as he went out.

Hermione let out the breath she was holding. How could he! Just assume she was that kind of girl who slept with a guy all willy nilly and didn’t worry about her own body. Didn’t he understand how she’d been agonizing over this all week? Picked out the perfect outfit and under clothes and even stole that bottle of Chanel No 5 from her sister.

She jumped off the bed, looking warily out the huge window. Maybe Alice was right. It was a little eerie, thinking of how anyone could be out there looking in. But what were the chances anyone was going to be wandering around the house, around the woods? It wasn’t even tourist season yet, Hiram insisted. Hardly anyone around for a mile.

She walked over to the full length mirror and examined herself. Sure, there was a tiny bit of pudge around the middle - baby fat, her mother always insisted on calling it, nothing to do with her daily dose of Twinkies - but she had curves in all the right places at least. Sure, Mary had the long legs and Alice might be skinny as a stringbean, but she had the hips, the boobs, the butt. They probably wished they could look like her.

The baby fat would wear off one day. Twinkies be damned, she’d make sure of that.

She spun around once, twice in the mirror, trying to check herself out from all angles. Hell, she had two boys chasing after her. Other girls should be so lucky! And Hiram obviously liked her just as much as Fred did. That appendage poking her midsection while they made out on the bed gave as much away.

No. She shouldn’t have to worry about anything. So what if her makeup was a little smudged from the day, or her hair was flat from laying on the couch. Or if her left boob was just a little bigger than the right -

She could see the edge of the window in the reflection of the mirror. Something outside moved against the glass.

* * *

 

Hiram ran down the hallway, sliding in his socks as he came to a halt in front of Alice and Hal’s room. He knocked on the door repeatedly as he tried fixing his belt buckle with his free hand. In all his excitement, he’d forgotten to grab his shirt.

“Hal!” he whispered up against the door, still knocking. “Let me in!” He glanced down the hall towards the living room, hoping Mary wouldn’t hear and wake up. Even if she did, he was sure he could be quick enough to shove her in the other guest room in her groggy state and run back before she noticed Hermione wasn’t there.

The door creaked open a tiny bit and Hal peeked out, his eyes rimmed red. He looked in dire need of a good night’s sleep.

“Hey, it’s not really a good time, man.” He started closing the door again and Hiram stuck his hand in the doorframe, knowing Hal wouldn’t close it on him.

“You guys naked?”

“Not exactly.” Hal glanced back in the room. “Just, you know, we’re kind of busy.”

“And we’re not letting you in bed with us, Hiram, so don’t even ask,” Alice sung from inside. Hiram glanced back over his shoulder towards the living room, cursing Alice in his head. He never knew what was worse with her - her shrill voice or her poorly executed jokes.

“I just need a condom,” he pleaded to Hal, keeping his voice low. “Please?”

Hal cracked a smile. “That’s it? Yeah, let me -”

Hiram held his finger up to his mouth. “Don’t say anything to, Alice. She’ll try to ruin this for me.”

“Alice wouldn’t -”

“Alice wouldn’t what?” The door pushed open, exposing the two of them. Hal in his boxers and short sleeved undershirt and Alice in only her button up blouse. Half the buttons were undone, exposing a sunny yellow bra. He could just make out her pink underwear underneath the hem of her shirt. Of course a girl like Alice didn’t have the class to match.

She held a smoldering joint between two fingers and snapped her free hand in his face. “Like what you see?” she asked playfully. Hiram stared at her.

“I had to close the vent,” Hal explained. “We could hear you guys in your bedroom.”

“This fucking cabin,” he sighed. “So you closed the vent so you couldn’t hear us or you closed it so we wouldn’t know you were smoking in here?”

“Definitely the smoking,” Alice said. “I’d love to listen in on your sad attempts to bed that shrew.”

Hiram glared at her before turning back to Hal. “Just do me this solid?”

“Yeah, of course.” Hiram pushed past Alice as Hal went to the bedside table and closed the door him, not wanting to risk waking Mary anymore than they already had. Alice regarded him with a smile playing on the corners of her lips.

“Do you wax your chest?” She reached out to touch him and he batted her hand away. “It’s just so smooth.”

“Why? You want the name of my guy? Maybe he can tame your eyebrows a bit.”

“Speak for yourself! My eyebrows -”

“Here you go.” Hal clapped him on the back with one hand and shoved a condom into his hand with the other. “Now get lost?”

Alice snorted. “Need an easy clean up after you jerk off tonight?”

Hiram breathed out of his nose. “For your information, she is already mostly naked in my bed as we speak.”

She scowled. “Nice try, but everyone knows Hermione’s on the pill. Why would you come running in here for a condom?”

“Yeah, well you can’t be too careful and all.”

Alice rolled her eyes. “What a waste.”

“Well, thanks for dropping by, pal. Enjoy that, I guess.” Hal put his hand on his back and turned him towards the door. “And we’ll see you in the morning.”

“Hey.” Hiram stopped just as Hal was about to open the door. He fingered the piece of foil between his fingers, knowing he shouldn’t keep Hermione waiting much longer. He stared at Alice’s hand. “May I?”

Another smile played against Alice’s faded lipstick. “Nervous, huh?”

Hiram shrugged. Alice handed him the joint and plopped down on the bed, gesturing for Hal to sit next to her. As Hiram took a puff, she regarded him with a tilted head. “I was joking, you know, but you really are all wound up. Better be careful. Don’t want to blow your load too quick and disappoint her.”

Hiram exhaled. “Unlikely.”

“Want to bet?” Alice nodded toward the bedside table. “You know what? You better take a couple extra, just in case you screw up the first few times. I don’t want you interrupting us again.”

He’d never had a problem with that stuff before, but Alice had that wonderful habit of jinxing him. He passed the joint to Hal and bounced on the balls of his feet for a few seconds before ducking towards the box on the bedside table and taking two more.

He avoiding meeting either of their gazes. “Just in case, you know. Rounds two and three.”

Alice’s voice dripped with sarcasm. “Oh, sure. Rounds two and three.” She turned to Hal. “Make sure you hold it after inhale.” She waved a finger at him. “It won’t do anything otherwise and I’m already wasting enough good weed on Hiram.”

“Hey, I’m your best customer, Acid Queen Alice, and don’t you forget it.” He watched Alice place a finger to Hal’s lips to stop him from opening his mouth. “The very least you can do is give me a hit off your joint every -”

Several things happened at once.

Hermione’s piercing scream rang through the walls.

Hal had a coughing fit.

Alice fell off the bed onto her knees.

And Hiram took off at a run back towards the master bedroom.


	4. Monday, April 12th, 1992

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuse for my behavior. Just know I'm terrible and should have had this done like seven weeks ago.
> 
> Also, I hope you guys aren't reading this with any hope of plot or anything. Good luck with that.

“Did you hear something?

“Like what?”

Fred turned around and looked back up the path they were following through the woods. It was dark, but he could just make out the distant lights of the Lodge’s cabin. His eyes were still adjusting to the darkness and he couldn’t see much otherwise.

“I don’t know,” he said. “It almost sounded like a scream.”

“A scream,” FP muttered under his breath. He grabbed Fred’s arm and gave him a firm tug, but Fred’s feet stayed planted. “Come on, Freddy. You didn’t hear anything. You’re just looking for an excuse to go back.”

“Well yeah, but.” Fred turned and looked to his friend. “I swear, I heard a scream. What if something happened?”

“What? In the five minutes since we’ve walked away from the house?” FP tugged at Fred again and Fred recludantly started walking behind him. He kept his hand on Fred’s arm, in case he decided to stop again. “This isn’t a movie. There is no one waiting outside with a chainsaw or machete trying to get them.”

Fred pulled his arm out of FP’s grip, but kept pace with him. “But how can you know that?”

“I know that because we’re out here right now. We are the scariest thing in these woods. If there really was some psycho on the prowl, why not go for us? Easy targets, strolling through the woods in the dark, no weapons, only one brain between us.”

Fred clapped his friend on his back. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You have a brain too. And as much as I love you thinking out the logistics of why they’re all safe in there, you can’t know for certain they’re okay.”

“Okay, but I think I can assume nothing major has happened in the past five minutes. If there was a scream it was probably because Hermione broke a nail or Coop saw a mouse. You ever hear him scream? It could break glass. Just let it go, Fred. We waited. Mary didn’t wake up to let us in. We’ll try again in the morning.”

Fred slowed his pace. FP turned back to glare at him, but Fred couldn’t make out the dirty look through the darkness. FP held in his sigh and slowed down to fall back in step with Fred.

“I just won’t be able to forgive myself if something happened to them and we could have stopped it. How could you explain to Alice’s dad if something happened to her and you had the power to -”

FP groaned. “To stop what? We were right outside! Anyone or anything trying to get into that house would have had to go through us first. Or at least passed by us.”

“Unless they came up the actual road instead of the walking path through the woods. Which probably would have been safer, you know. And less creepy.”

“Safer, sure. But we’d have more of a chance of getting caught or spotted. Imagine someone sees us and calls the cops? How are we going to explain why we’re walking around this nice secluded vacation neighborhood in the middle of the night? Do you want a record, Fred? Because when we tell them we came all the way up here to spy on some girl you’re crushing on, that’s exactly what you’re going to get.”

“But -”

“But nothing. How do you think Hermione’s parents will like that, huh? You’re not exactly their favorite person to begin with. Now you’re following their daughter three hours away, to what? Wish her luck as she moves on to the next guy?”

“No, I’d -”

“Try and stop them? Profess your love? Oh please. All you’d end up with is a fat lip and a restraining order.” 

Fred sucked his teeth and looked down. “I just have a bad feeling about this is all.”

“So do I, but low and behold, here I am, Fred. For you!”

Fred kicked at the dirt. “And because you need to keep an eye on Alice, unless you want your ass beat by her crazy, drunk dad.”

“Alice can take care of herself. You know that as well as I do. I could have just spent these few days sleeping on your couch and pretending I went after her, but no. I know how much this meant to you, so I gave in.” FP turned away and started back down the path. After a few seconds, Fred groaned and walked after him.

“Yeah, because I never give in to any of your dumb ideas, right?” Fred said as he caught up. 

“Whatever. At least my ideas are more fun than freezing my balls off in middle of - what was that?”

Fred grasped his arm. “It sounded like something going through the trees.” He squinted, but there still wasn’t enough light to make out anything clearly. “An animal?”

FP exhaled hard through his nose. He grabbed the sleeve of Fred’s denim jacket. “Yeah. Yeah, it’s probably just like a deer or something.” He tugged at his friend. “Or like a - a bear.”

“Are there bears out here?”

“We’re in the woods. I guess so.” 

“So so we run?”

“No shit we run.”

* * *

 

_ Mary was on a beach with Fred and Hermione. She was building a sandcastle while the two of them made out on a blanket, breaking away every so often to tell her what a good job she was doing. When she was done, she turned to them triumphantly, awaiting their approval. A wave came and washed the entire thing away and she had to start all over. Fred and Hermione laughed and laughed until they were red in the face. Hermione stopped all of a sudden and let out an ear piercing scream. _

Mary awoke with a start, but the screaming didn’t stop. She took in her surroundings as she stretched out her sore legs. Alone in the living room, lights still on, fire just dying out. Who the hell left her out here? Someone had draped a blanket over her instead of just waking her up. 

Some friends.

She stumbled in her sleepy state toward the hall leading towards the bedrooms. That’s where the commotion was coming from. The screaming had died down to a frantic chatter. She tried to shake the fading dream from her head as she rounded the corner. There was probably some underline meaning there, but she never took too much stock in interpreting dreams. It was almost as bad as following horoscopes.

She stopped suddenly at the start of the hallway and pinched her leg. She was definitely awake, but god, did she wish she was still dreaming.

Her four friends were in front of the closed door of the master bedroom with various looks of distress stamped across their faces. What’s worse, not one of them was fully dressed. Hiram had lost his shirt and Alice her skirt and several blouse buttons. Hal and Hermione were just in their underclothes. 

Mary, the right sensible one of the group, took one short nap and woke up to the beginnings of an orgy. How had she ever gotten talked into this?

“Just slow down.” Hiram had his hands on Hermione’s shoulders, but she was squirming under his grip, refusing to look him in the eye. Tears were running down her face leaving streaks of mascara. 

Alice and Hal stood a few feet back. Alice’s arms were crossed over her partially exposed chest and Hal was bouncing in place, one hand gripping Alice’s shirt. 

“I told you already, Hiram!” Hermione exclaimed. “There was someone out there! Watching me! He had his, his big, stupid face just pressed up against the glass like he was ogling me! And, and and he saw me see him and he ran! I, I, I’ve never in my - Mary!” 

The other three jumped and turned in Mary’s direction. Hermione came at her running and crashed into her, wrapping her arms around her midsection. 

“Oh God, Mary.” Hermione rested her head on Mary’s chest and Mary awkwardly put her hands on Hermione’s back, trying not to think about her nearly naked friend hugging her. “You believe me, don’t you?”

“What, uhh.” Mary looked at the rest of them helplessly. “What happened?”

“I’ll tell you what happened,” Alice said, shoving Hal’s hand away. “We come to the murder cabin in the middle of fucking nowhere and four hours in, someone is already waiting outside to kill us.” She turned back to Hal and Hiram. “You boys happy? Your little week of sex-capades is going to turn into all of us slowly being murdered, one by one. I bet the tires of the Caddy are already slashed.”

Hiram rubbed his temple. “No one is dying, there was no one peeking through the window at Hermione, and I swear to God Alice, if I go outside and my tires are slashed, I’m blaming you.”

Alice took two steps towards Hiram and placed her hands firmly on her hips. Hermione tightened her grip on Mary. “This place is creepy and we shouldn’t have come here. Admit it. You’re scared too.”

Hiram looked down at her, crossing his arms over his chest. “Listen here. Hermione probably saw an animal or something. She said the face was low to the ground -”

“But then it took off running!” Hermione insisted. “On two legs!”

“It was an animal, Hermione. And the only reason you two,” he gestured between Alice and Hal, “are so freaked out is because you’re stoned and paranoid. Relax.”

“Relax?” Alice asked. “When there’s some peeping Tom serial killer right outside?”

Hermione sniffled. “You guys all left me alone to get high?”

Alice turned on her. “You left Mary alone to get laid! Not the time to throw stones.”

Hal chewed on his nails, eyes darting quickly between the four others. “Hey, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to call the cops. I mean, if there is some guy peeking in windows, they should know, right? And if he comes back, like, we shouldn’t just be sitting ducks and not have done anything, right? Hiram? Alice? Right?”

“Shut up, Hal,” Alice sighed. “Just go get Hermione something to wear. Her tits are about to pop out of that push up bra and smack Mary in the face.”

He looked toward the master bedroom. “Go in there? With someone looking through the window?”

Alice groaned. “Really?”

“Hey, your stuff is in our room anyway, right?” Mary asked. Hermione nodded against her, hair tickling her chin. “So lets go get you into your pajamas at least.”

Mary led her into the smaller guest room as Hiram pulled a face. She closed the door behind the two of them, muffling out the three on the other side.

“Do you want me to find something for you?” Mary walked over to where Hermione’s suitcase was sitting on the end of the one bed. Her eyes darted quickly to the desk. She had left the walkie talkie behind the stack of books, but the books were now spread over the desk in a mess - no doubt a result of Alice and Hal’s earlier tryst. 

“No,” Hermione’s weak voice came from behind her. “I can do it myself.” Mary opened the suitcase and Hermione dug right into it, pushing aside various items of clothing. 

“Geez, how many bathing suits did you bring?” Mary asked.

“Two bikinis and a Baywatch looking one piece. Why?” Hermione held a top up. “Not enough? We’re only here for a few days.”

“Right, right.” Mary took a few steps away, inching to the desk. “I only brought the one, you know. That yellow bikini I got at the end of last season on sale. Haven’t even worn it yet.”

Hermione scoffed. Mary couldn’t see her face, but she knew the exact look her friend was wearing. “What a waste! You should have worn something old. Why waste a new bikini when there’s no one to show it off for?”

Mary reached the desk and started quickly rearranging her school books. “You guys will see me in it.”

“I helped you pick it out! I’ve already seen you in it.” Mary glanced over her shoulder. Hermione was taking off her bra. She quickly looked away. “There are no boys here to see you in it!”

The walkie-talkie wasn’t amongst the books. Shit. She dropped to the ground and started looking under the desk. “Oh? And what do you call Hal and Hiram?”

“No offense, but you’re not Hiram’s type. You’re practically the same height and I know he hates that.” 

Mary rolled her eyes. “Hiram Lodge isn’t exactly my type either.” She could just make out the antenna of the walkie-talkie shoved up against the wall. She reached her hand into the small space.

“Although I won’t lie, you and Hal have potential to be adorable together. He strung Penelope along long enough, so you know he likes redheads at least.”

“No thank you.” Mary pulled off the ring her parents gave her for her sweet sixteen to make her hand fit. “Hal only has eyes for Alice.”

“You’ll never know if you don’t try!” Hermione sung. She was quickly getting over her earlier panic. Mary could just feel the antenna of the walkie-talkie.

“I don’t like Hal like that.” She tried to pull the desk back a bit, but it was too heavy. Leave it to the Lodge’s to have this kind of expensive wood furniture in the kid’s guest room of their vacation home. Mary grabbed the antenna and gave it a gentle pull.

“But you guys would make the cutest, nerdiest - what are you doing?”

Mary gasped and hit her head on the underside of the desk. The antenna broke free in her hand. Hermione grabbed her arm and pulled her out from under the desk as Mary rubbed her head. She had tossed on a flowy black nightgown that reached mid-thigh. 

“What were you looking for?” Hermione gripped her arm, panic falling back into her voice. Her eyes widened as they fell on the broken antenna. “What the hell is that?”

“Oh, it’s a… well, I don’t know. I dropped a book and I just found it behind the -”

“It looks like an antenna or something. Is there something back there?” Hermione fell on her knees and started crawling under the desk. 

“Hey, is that a new nightgown?” Mary let out a nervous giggle. “It’s so cute! You don’t want to get it dirty crawling under there.”

“Oh my God!” Hermione scooted out from under and jumped up. She bounced in her bare feet. “There’s a recording device back there or something! Oh my God, Mary! It’s wedged in there. Someone must have planted it! Help me move the desk.” Hermione grabbed a corner and started tugging.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Mary put her hand on her friend’s shoulder. “A recording device? Who would ever?”

“Hiram!” Hermione called. Mary jumped and let go of her. “Guys! Get in here!”

Hiram came rushing through the door. He had tossed on a black silk robe on over his clothes. “What? What happen-”

“There’s something fishy going on!” Hermione put her hands on her hips as Hal and Alice walked through the door. Alice had buttoned her shirt back up and Hal had tossed on pajama pants. “Someone is recording us! Mary just found this little recording device behind the desk.”

“I don’t think it’s anything!” Mary insisted much louder than she’d intended. Everyone turned to her and she felt her face heat up. “I mean, I just - it looks like a simple walkie-talkie. Like a toy! Here, I pulled this off of it.” She held up the antenna and Hiram snatched it out of her hands. “It broke off so easy. Who knows how long it’s even been back there for.”

Hiram spun around and held up the antenna towards Hal and Alice. Hal’s hands were digging into Alice’s shoulders as she stood with a sour face and crossed arms. “What do you guys think?”

“I think this whole place is fucked and we never should have came,” Alice said simply. “Lets take shifts sleeping and leave first thing in the morning.”

“The morning?” Hermione asked. “I am not staying here until morning!”

“And I’m not going out when it’s still dark!”

“We’re not going anywhere,” Mary insisted. 

“Guys,” Hal said loudly. He took a sharp intake of breath as everyone turned to him. “Could you hear me and Alice in here earlier?”

Alice sighed and hit her forehead. “My God, Hal. Now is not the time.”

“It’s just I could practically hear every word Mary and Hermione were saying while we were standing outside.”

“Of course we could hear you fucking!” Hermione screamed. “What’s that have to do with someone trying to murder us?”

Mary groaned. “A walkie-talkie doesn’t equal murder!”

“Stop saying murder!” Hiram yelled. “Everyone needs to relax!”

“Stop telling us to relax!” Hal voice was reaching hysterical. Alice turned around under his grip. “I can’t relax knowing someone might be trying to kill us and,” his voice dropped to a whisper, “that you guys could hear us having sex and didn’t have the decency to say something.”

“Babe.” Alice took his face in her hands and pulled it down. “You’re high and paranoid and you sound like an idiot right now. Shut up.”

Hal sighed and wrapped his arms around Alice. “Right, you’re right. No one is trying to kill us.”

“Oh, I didn’t say that.” Alice looked at the rest of their friends. “Someone is definitely up to something and this week is going to end with at least one of us not making it back.”

“Alice!” Mary exclaimed. “Cut it out! He’s your goddamn boyfriend, don’t scare him.”

“I don’t make the rules, Mary!” 

“Christ,” Hiram sighed, shaking his head. “Come on, Hal. This desk weighs a ton. Help me move it so we can get whatever this thing is out.” 

Hal reluctantly let go of Alice and helped Hiram slide the desk a few inches forward. The walkie-talkie fell to the hardwood floor with a thud and Mary and Hermione both darted under the desk for it.

“What the hell are you doing, Mare?” Hermione said as she tried pushing her out of the way. “Let me get it.”

“I told you,” Mary panted as she reached around Hermione. “You’ll get your nightgown dirty. I have to change anyway.”

“I’m smaller. I fit easier!”

“My arms are longer. Plus, I’m the one who found - got it!”

Mary jumped up quickly and held the walkie-talkie to her chest. Alice grabbed it from her before Hermione could even pull herself to her feet.

“This looks so familiar,” Alice said. She fiddled with some buttons on it, but just static came out. “I swear, I’ve seen this same walkie-talkie somewhere before.”

“They look cheap,” Mary said quickly. “Like a toy. Hiram, did you ever have them as a kid? Maybe they’ve been there for years.”

“Not if the batteries are still working,” Hal chimed in. “Those things eat up batteries. My sister and I used to have a pair. Plus,” he reached out to take it from Alice, “this brand is pretty good.”

“I’m sorry, Hal,” Mary glared at him. “You were afraid of getting murdered two minutes ago and now you’re an expert on electronics?”

“Not an expert! I just know a bit -”

Hermione hit her fist against the desk. “The important thing is why is it here? In this room. Hiram, you’re sure it was never yours?”

Hiram pursed his lips before talking. “Maybe the housekeeper brought her kids with her and they left it here.”

“Is that likely?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. But a walkie-talkie seems like a really ineffective way to spy on people. What’s the point?”

Alice took the walkie-talkie back from Hal. “Come on, you know there are some freaks out there who’d damn well get off on two girls talking about their bikinis.” Alice held the device close to her face, looking at it closely. “Mary, don’t your brothers have a pair like this?”

“No, no, no.” Mary laughed. Her legs started twitching under her weight. “My brothers have a really expensive pair. My dad got a great deal on them. The antenna would never just snap off like that one.”

“Right.” Alice held it out to Mary and pulled it back last minute. “Say, there’s no chance that maybe your brothers threw it in your bag and it was all mixed up with your school books?”

“Of course not.” Mary put her hands behind her back and started wringing them. “My books were neatly stacked until someone came in here and probably did some unmentionable things on top of them, knocking them all around.”

Alice scoffed. “We were not on top of them.” He eyes looked to the ceiling. “I was just kind of bent over them.”

“Gross,” Hermione sighed, sitting on one of the beds. “Now I really can’t sleep in here.”

“Oh please, like you were ever going to -”

“Ladies!” Hiram exclaimed. He took a seat next to Hermione and snaked his arm around her waist. “No fighting. We’re all better than that. There has to be a solution to all of this.”

“There is no solution because there is no problem,” Mary said calmly. She bounced on the balls of her feet. “The best thing to do is just go to bed.”

“I will never be able to sleep knowing there’s someone out there,” Hermione said. “Absolutely never.” 

Alice rolled her eyes. “Not like you were going to be doing much sleeping anyway.”

Hermione opened her mouth but Hiram cut her off. “How about,” he held up his finger between the two girls, “Hal and I go do a perimeter check? We’ll walk the property once or twice and make sure the coast is clear. Check for tire tracks.”

“You’re going to check for tire tracks in the paved road leading here?” Mary asked skeptically. “In the dark?”

“We have flashlights. It’ll be fine. Hal, you in?”

“Not on your life!” Alice pulled herself away from Hal and stuck her finger in Hiram’s face. “If you think I’m letting you take Hal outside in the middle of the night so you can sacrifice him to whatever demon you come across.”

“Oh,” Hiram sighed, “my God. You’re all nuts. Every last one of you.”

“Hey!” Mary said. “I am not -”

“Hal, bud, you want to go check outside, right? Make sure nothing is going to attack the girls, right?”

Hal was biting his nails. “Make sure - make sure nothing attacks the girls? Are you insane? What about something attacking us out there?”

“There is nothing out there! It was an animal! A bear or something.”

“A bear?” Hal took the finger he was chewing on out of his mouth. “How is a bear nothing, Hiram? How?”

“You’re overthinking this!”

“You’re not taking him with you!” Alice shouted. 

“No one is going anywhere,” Mary said, stepping between Alice and Hiram. “We are just going to go to bed and regroup in the morning when we all feel a lot better about everything.”

Hermione jumped off the bed and out of Hiram’s grip. “Actually, if you really don’t mind, I would feel better if you guys went out there and looked around.”

Hiram grabbed her hands. “We don’t mind at all. Right, Hal?”

“Of course I mind!”

“You’re not taking my boyfriend out there to certain death!”

“No one should be going anywhere!”

Hiram rolled his eyes and stood up, not letting go of Hermione’s hand. “Come on. I have protection.” He tugged Hermione hand. “Follow me.”

Alice pursed her lips, but followed them out the door, Hal and Mary in tow. “You hear that? Now the boy has protection.”

* * *

 

“So you see, my friend over there,” FP jutted his thumb over his shoulder in Fred’s direction, “is just grumpy that he couldn’t save the fair maiden from her captor, you know? He’s heartbroken, down-trotted.”

“Poor fellow,” the waitress sighed. She leaned over the counter and rested her chin in her hand. FP’s eyes traveled slowly down her uniform to her name tag. Franny. “So why’s he sitting over in that booth while you’re over here with me?”

“Oh, forget about him. He’s a grump.”

“Hmm.” Her eyes traveled over to Fred. “He’s kinda cute though. Looks like that guy from 90210.”

“No, he doesn’t,” FP said quickly. Franny’s eyes traveled back to him and he cracked her gum in a way that reminded him eerily of Alice. He shook the feeling off. Her hair was a light brown and straight and shoulder length. She didn’t look a thing like Alice. “So Franny. How do you get stuck working third shift?”

Her eyes traveled back to him and she laughed. Cracking her gum again. “Don’t get jealous.” She picked her chin up and reached out for his cheek. “You’re cute too.”

“You see, Fran, we’re in a bit of a pickle,” he sighed. “We were here earlier today talking to Beverly. You know Beverly, of course?”

She cracked her gum again. “Sure. She works the dinner rush and I work the graveyard shift.”

“Well, we were telling her all about our girl troubles when we were here earlier and she told us if we needed any little thing at all, to just come back and give her a hollar.”

Franny laughed. “Yeah, that sounds like old Bev. Such a ma, I swear.”

“Only, silly us.” FP leaned closer across the counter. “We didn’t ask what time she got off tonight. I should have figured -”

“Shift switch is at midnight.” She bit her lip and looked him up and down. “What’d you say your name was, junior?”

“FP.” She raised her eyebrow. “Trust me, you don’t want to know the whole name. My buddy over there? That’s Fred.” He yelled over his shoulder. “Right, Fred?”

Fred looked up from the cup of coffee he was staring into. “Huh?”

“Yup. That’s Fred.”

“Okay, FP. Million dollar question. How old are you?”

“Eighteen.” 

“Try again.”

He sighed. “Seventeen and a half. Well, a half in a few days at least.”

“Seventeen and a half. Okay. And Fred over there.”

“Sixteen going on sixty.” He spun around once more. “I mean, look at the poor guy. Falls in love at every corner and gets his heartbroken each time.”

Fred looked up at that one. “I do not get my heartbroken all the time! And I’ve only ever been in love once and that’s with Hermione. I can’t help it if she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

Franny waved Fred to the counter. He reluctantly got up, bring his lukewarm coffee with him. FP cringed looking in the cup. Fred had poured so much cream, it practically looked like a mug of milk. 

“Why do you have it so bad for this girl, sweetheart?” Franny asked. She leaned a little further over the counter, the top button of her uniform threatening to come undone. Fred paid her no mind as he stared into his untouched coffee.

“I dunno,” he mumbled. “She’s special.”

“Ah. Special.” Frannie turned back to FP, straightening her back. “She took his virginity?”

FP snorted into his own coffee and Fred’s head popped up in horror. 

“You told her!” Fred accused. “What kind of friend are -”

“Relax, relax,” Franny laughed. She placed her hand over Fred’s. “You wear your heart on your sleeve, sweetie. You’re too easy to read. People will walk all over you if you keep that up.”

Fred sighed, cheeks still bright red. “That’s what my mom says.”

“I really, really shouldn’t do this but, I think I can help you boys out tonight. I’m not entirely comfortable housing two minors, but I can’t let you boys sleep in that van. My place is empty. My brothers are away for a few days. I’m off at 8 am, so you guys just need to take off by then, okay?”

“You serious?” FP asked. 

“Serious as a heart attack.” She reached into the pocket of her apron and pulled out a keychain in the shape of The Statue of Liberty with two keys on it. “It’s right there on the corner. Second floor apartment in that blue building. Take any bedroom you’d like, although the couch is probably more sanitary than either of my brother’s beds.”

“I could kiss you, Franny.”

“Don’t.” She laughed. “You’re about five years too young for my taste. You can leave your van parked on in the diner’s lot. I’ll keep an eye on it.”

“No need. We walked down here. It’s still parked on the main road leading to the vacation homes. We figured they’re still mostly empty this time of year so no one would really mind it there.”

“You are right. Well hurry along and catch some shut eye. It’s after 1 am already.”

“Let’s get a move on.” He hit Fred’s arm. “Hey, what’s up? What’s wrong?”

Fred’s face had lost the flushed that crossed it just a few moments earlier. “How come you’re being so nice, Franny? You don’t know us.”

She cracked her gum in Fred’s direction. “Do one to others and all that stuff, you know? Now scat before I change my mind.”

“Can do!” FP snatched the keys with one hand and took Fred’s arm in the other. Why’d it feel like he and Fred had been dragging each other back and forth all day? 

“FP, I still have a bad feeling,” Fred whispered as they stepped out the door. The street was completely empty and they had to wonder why the diner bothered to stay open all night in a place like this. “Why’s she being so nice?”

By habit, they ran across the street even though there wasn’t a car insight. “This is the country, middle of nowhere. People are just nicer than the suburbs. You didn’t question it when your pal Beverly was being nice.”

“Beverly was like sixty. She’s a grandma! Of course she’s nice. That Franny.” Fred looked back at the diner as FP opened the outside door to the apartment building. “She can’t be what, twenty at the oldest? Are young people that nice?”

“Fred, you’re one of the nicest people around. You’d give someone the shirt off your back if they told you they liked it.”

“I did that one time, shut up.” He sighed, chasing FP up the steps two at a time. “It just feels wrong.”

“It feels like you’re jealous I know how to flirt with young, hot waitresses while you’re stuck talking to old Bev about her grandkids.”

Fred rolled his eyes. “Yeah, sure, asshole. Like you had any interest in Franny. You just didn’t want to sleep in the van.”

“That’s not a crime. Oh, I guess this is it.” He fit the second key into the door and it opened. The living room was small and clean, but lacking personality. There was a blue checkerboard couch and a small television with rabbit ears on top. “Home sweet home. Here’s to hoping we’re living it up in the Lodge’s cabin this time tomorrow. I really want to soak in that hottub.”

* * *

 

“No.” Mary stood with the other four around her and shook her head. “No, no, a million times no.”

Hiram laughed. “Mary, I’ve used this thing before. No need to worry.”

“A gun, Hiram?” Mary crossed her arms over her chest and stood to her full height. She was nearly level with Hiram. “Don’t lie to me. You have never shot a gun in your life.”

“Oh please,” he scoffed. “My dad taught me how to aim when I was a kid.”

“How to aim or how to shoot?” Alice asked.

“Same difference.”

“Same difference?” Alice hit Hal’s arm. “He’s never touched that gun before.”

“It’s not even loaded.”

“Prove it.” Mary uncrossed her arms and let them fall to her hips. “Prove that it’s unloaded.”

Hiram looked down at the gun in his hand for a few moments before shaking his head. “I have nothing to prove to you.”

“Yes you do!” Mary tossed up her hands. “As the only sober person here right now -”

“What about me?” Hermione cried. “They all ditched me to get high!”

“I’m not high!” Hiram yelled. “I had one hit off their joint. One! Hal is the only one here who’s impaired and that’s just because he’s a lightweight.”

Mary took a deep breath. “Look. I cannot in good faith let you go outside with that gun. If you don’t shoot Hal, you’ll probably shoot yourself. Or some poor defenceless animal.”

Alice snorted. “No way. It takes skill to shoot an animal.”

“I have skill!” Hiram grabbed Hal’s arm. “Come on, man. We have to protect the girls.”

Hal turned around and looked at Alice’s helplessly as Hiram pulled him towards the front door. She shrugged.

“If anything happens to him, Hiram, you’re dead,” she called as Hiram opened the door. “If I don’t get you, Mrs. Cooper will!”

“God, Alice. You can’t tell my mom about this!” Hal said over shoulder. They crossed out to the porch and the three girls followed them out. “She hates guns! And hunting! And Hiram.”

“Should we go after them?” Mary asked unsurely. “I mean, I’m sure there’s nothing -”

“No!” Hermione and Alice yelled in unison. Their eyes locked as they took a step away from each other.

“What if something happens to them?” she asked, looking off after the boys. Hiram was just pulling Hal through the clearing of trees, to the road leading away from the house. 

“They can take care of themselves,” Hermione insisted. “I know they can. Or they’ll take care of each other? I guess?”

Alice turned to Hermione with her finger out. “If anything happens to Hal -”

“Don’t worry.” Hermione stepped back inside. “I will replace him with a newer model if Hiram shoots him.”

Alice followed her. “I was going to say, you’re the one telling his mom.”

“Not a chance!”

Mary watched Hiram and Hal walk away until they disappeared. 

“I have a bad feeling about this,” she muttered to herself. She stepped back into the foyer and locked the door. 

“Hey,” she called after her friends, “Did either of you notice if they took a flashlight or not?”


	5. Monday, April 12th, 1992

“Okay, now that we know the perimeter is safe, I guess we can go back. Right? Hiram? Right?”

Hiram groaned and shifted the weight of the gun in his arms. “Of course we can't go back yet. We haven’t even been gone five minutes. We need to go walk down the road a bit so they think we actually looked around.”

Hal slowed down and Hiram spun on his heel to glare at him. 

“Wait, so we’re not actually walking through the woods to check for lurkers or demons or anything?”

“Demons,” Hiram sighed. He almost tapped the barrel of the gun near his forehead at Hal’s comment, but that was probably unwise. The exactly kind of reason Mary didn’t trust him with the gun in the first place. “Fucking demons. Hal, I know your girlfriend is the living embodiment of a nightmare, but you know that there are no demons in these woods. No, scratch that. You know demons don’t fucking exist, right?”

Hal’s eyes bugged out, but he nodded. “Sure. I mean, yeah. Everyone knows demons don’t exist. That’s silly - demons. Ghosts. Spirits. But like have you ever played with a Ouiji board? I don’t know who controls that, but those things are totally real.”

Hiram rolled his eyes and gestured ahead. “Look. There’s no one on the property and walking through those woods alone at night is a death trap, even with a flashlight.”

“Shit. You forgot the flashlight, didn’t you?”

“You were supposed to grab the flashlight. I got the gun!” Hiram resisted nudging Hal with the gun, Mary’s words about him shooting one of them by accident still ringing in his ears. “Anyway, we don’t need a flashlight because there is no way we are walking through the path in the woods at night. Light or no light.”

“So we’re going back?”

“No.”

“So we’re just  going to find a place to stand out here until we’ve waiting enough time to go back in?”

“Stand out here? No. Standing in one place out here makes us sitting ducks. No, we need to walk.”

Hal grabbed Hiram’s shoulder and pulled him back a little. He slowed down. 

“Hiram. Sitting ducks for who? You said no one was out here.”

“No people are out here. No demons. But that doesn’t stop the bears.”

Hal’s nails dug into Hiram’s shoulder and they both came to a stop. “Hiram. That’s not funny. Don’t joke about bears.”

He tried shrugging Hal’s hand off but he couldn’t. “It doesn’t mean we’ll see one. It just means we have more of a chance of not seeing one if we keep walking.”

“Walk where?” Hal groaned. He let go of Hiram and shoved his hands in his pockets. “If you think we’re so safe why are we walking away from the cabin at all?”

“Precaution. Plus, you’re a shit liar. We’ll walk down the main road and up again. That way when they ask if we really checked thoroughly, you don’t have to lie.”

“I’m not a shit liar,” Hal mumbled, kicking a rock. 

“Well that right there was a lie and I saw right through it. Shit liar.”

They came up to the main road leading to the small town below. Nothing but a scarce stattering of street lamps and lit windows were before them.

“Hiram, come on. We’re not really walking all the way down there just to walk back up, are we?”

“Why not? It’s only a quarter mile or so.”

Hal failed at keeping the whiny tone out of his voice. He felt like he was complaining to his mom. “We have to walk downhill. Okay, whatever. But then we need to come all the way back up? That’s ridiculous. We can’t. Hiram, come on.” Hiram picked up the pace as they made their way downhill, Hal right on his heel. “But like, we really shouldn’t leave the cabin unattended. The girls are all there.”

Hiram laughed. “Alice would whack you upside the head for that. You really think the girls can’t take care of themselves?”

He clicked his teeth. “I think we can’t take care of ourselves. Plus, what if,” Hal grabbed his shoulder again, trying to keep up. “What if there was someone and they saw us leave and now they’re going back to the cabin, huh?”

“Don’t be stupid. Why would someone -” Hiram stopped suddenly and Hal ran right into him. For the second time in so many hours, Hiram fell to the ground, Hal landing unceremoniously on top of him. The gun slid from his grip and fell a few feet ahead of them. “Fuck.”

“Sorry, sorry.” Hal rolled off of Hiram and sat on the pavement. “I couldn’t - why’d you stop?”

“That little fucking - I’ll kill him. I swear, I’ll kill him!” Hiram pulled himself off the ground and started walking back down the road. “Coming all the way here just to ruin my life!”

Hal jumped up, almost tripping again over the gun as he chased Hiram down the road. “What are you doing?”

“There! Right there! You don’t see it parked in the street?”

He took a few deep breaths, trying not to get winded too soon as they approached the silhouette - a lone vehicle parked on the side of the road. “I don’t get it.”

Hiram ran and stopped about ten feet away from the car. “It’s that fucking van.”

Hal crossed his arms over his chest and nudged Hiram. “I’m pretty sure they call it the Shaggin Wagon, not the fucking van.” A smile curled on his lips. “I mean, the fucking van might be what it is, but that’s not very catchy now, is it?”

That earned Hal a sharp smack on the arm from Hiram. “You know what I mean. It’s Fred’s fucking van! Look at it!”

“I don’t know.” Hal tilted his head and took his chin in his hand. “I mean, it certainly looks like Fred and FP’s van, but like, it can’t be.”

“There’s a Riverdale High decal on it!” Hiram hissed. “And a homemade Fredheads bumper sticker! And you know, it’s their fucking van! Look at the dent on the side from that time Penelope backed her car into it.”

Hal stroked his chin. “Maybe we’re hallucinating.”

“Well unless your girlfriend was giving us weed laced with LSD,” he grabbed Hal’s shirt collar and pulled his face down, “then we’re not hallucinating!” He shoved Hal back. “Get your shit together. You’re an embarrassment.” 

“I’m an embarrassment?” Hal jabbed Hiram’s chest. “You’re the one imagining Fred’s van a hundred miles from home!”

“It is Fred’s van!” Hiram said sharply. “I - you know what? I’m sick of this.” He ran the last few feet to the van and jumped on the back bumper, making the whole thing shake, and started pounding his fists against the back door.

“Hiram, don’t!” Hal ran after him, waving his arms. 

“Wake up, Andrews! Rise and shine! Time for you to get lost and stop ruining my spring break!”

“Uhh, Hiram?” Hal placed his face up to driver’s window as Hiram continued to rock the van. “I think you can relax. There’s no one in there.”

Hiram stopped his bouncing and the van slowly stopped creaking. He leaned down to look in the back window, but it was tinted and too dark to see. He jumped down from the bumper and ran around to the front of the van, pushing Hal out of the way to peer inside. Unless someone was curled up in a ball behind one of the seats it was -

“Empty! Are you fucking kidding me?” Hiram paced back and forth. “My god, it all makes sense now! Fred finds out I’m getting Hermione away for the whole week, right? Someone snitched on me.”

“Snitched?” Hal crossed his arms and leaned against the van. The fresh air was doing wonders for him. He was finally feeling a little more like himself. He’d never get used to getting high. “You’ve done nothing but brag about this trip since Hermione said she’d go. I think the whole school knows about it.”

“If telling a few select people is bragging -”

“Plus like,” Hal fixed his eyes up at the night sky, “I definitely didn’t know we weren’t supposed to be telling anyone.”

Hiram rubbed his temples. “Who? Who did you tell?”

“I just casually mentioned it to some people. Not to Fred though! I swear.”

“Some friend you are.” Hiram continued his pacing. “You - you went and told, I don’t know, one of your yearbook committee buddies, Tom or someone. And he went and told Fred and now Fred came all the way up here to sabotage me!” He sent a glare at Hal. “I thought we were pals.”

“Anyone could have told anyone. Hell, Hermione might have told him herself. Why’s it matter? Fred is clearly here. Probably drinking coffee down at the diner or something.” Hal snapped his fingers. “Hey, we have room. Maybe we should go invite him to stay.”

Hiram stopped his pacing. “Hal, you moron. Alice is rotting your brain away to make you docile and slow.” He took Hal’s face in his hands and spoke slowly. “Fred came here on purpose to make sure I can’t be with Hermione. He was the one peeking through the window at her!”

“I don’t know, Hiram,” Hal muttered through his squished face. “You seemed pretty certain no one was there.”

Hiram let go of him and sighed. “Well I wasn’t about to scare you guys. Bears don’t look through windows. Come on.”

“Well, you did a shitty job. I’m still scared, even knowing it’s just Fred lurking around. So what do we do? Go look for him?”

“Look for him? Are you insane?” Hiram’s lips curled into a smile. “No, no, no. We’re going to teach him a lesson he’ll never forget.”

Hal shook his head. “I am not letting you burst into that diner and shoot Fred.”

Hiram’s shoulders slumped. “I meant we’re going to steal the van! You break in, hotwire it, and we put it in the garage by the cabin. He’ll have to come knocking on the door and admit his shame if he wants it back.”

Hal shook his head. “You just assume I know how to break into and hotwire cars?”

“You do and you do. You had to learn some skills to impress Alice. Just, what do you need to get inside without breaking a window? A thin piece of metal? A bobby pin? A key?”

Without breaking eye contact with Hiram, he blindly reached over and pulled on the handle of the driver’s side door. It opened.

“How did you -”

“Everyone knows they never lock it. It’s like a game people play at house parties. ‘Who can sneak into the Shaggin Wagon to fool around?’”

Hiram pulled a face and shoved past Hal to pop the hood. “When you say it’s a game people play, do you mean it’s a game you and Alice play?”

Hal broke into a grin. “It’s a game Alice and I have won actually.”

“Gross.” Hiram scowled. He was normally entertained by the rare times Hal was willing to discuss his sex life, but there was a time and a place. “Remind me to grab a can of Pinesol if I ever need to sit back there.”

“Lysol you mean.”

“Hal, I swear -”

“Lysol is a disinfecting spray, Pinesol is to clean floors. Have you really never cleaned anything before?”

Hiram glared as he grabbed Hal’s shoulder and spun him around, giving him a shove. “Just shut up and hotwire this heap of junk.”

“Why?” Hal clicked the hood down and Hiram hit the release to open it back up.

“I literally just explained it to you.”

Hal snapped the hood closed again and leaned on it. “I mean why hotwire it when the keys are sitting up in the visor?”

“The keys are -” Hiram jumped in the driver’s seat and flicked the visor. A set of keys fell right into his lap. He held them up triumphantly and Hal nodded. 

“Fred’s so trusting. He always leaves them there.”

Hiram leaned back out the car door. “You’re driving. We just have one pit stop to make first.”

* * *

 

“So Nana Cooper is in town for a few weeks, right? So being the dutiful son he is,” Alice paused to lick the joint she was rolling and pinch it closed, “Hal offers up his room to her. Gertrude’s room has the permanent stench of patchouli and Nana Cooper says it makes her sick anyway. So Hal’s offering to sleep down in the basement and his mother is absolutely cooing over what a generous son she has! But you know,” she put the joint in her mouth and lit it, “their basement has that door that leads outside. Perfect way for me to sneak in.”

Hermione clicked her teeth. “Aren’t you supposed to share that?” She pointed at the joint. “Isn’t it bad form to take the first hit when it’s yours?”

Mary rolled her eyes and ran her hands over the soft flannel of her pajama bottoms. The three of them were sitting crossed legged on the floor of the Lodge’s living room, right in front of the dying fire. “It’s not like pouring tea, Hermione. I don’t think there’s a custom when it comes to smoking marijuana.”

“There absolutely is custom, Mare!” Alice insisted. She handed the joint to Mary who shook her head. Hermione plucked it out of Alice’s hand. “Custom says if I’m smoking you up for free, I get the first hit. House rules.”

“House rules.” Hermione rolled her eyes that time. “You’re making that up to cover for having poor manners.”

“I am not -”

“Anyway!” Mary interjected. “Finish your story. Hal’s basement. I thought we were telling embarrassing stories though? This doesn’t sound embarrassing.”

Alice bit her lip. “Trust me, this one gets good.” She took the joint back from Hermione and took a quick puff, holding the smoke in her mouth as she forced it the joint into Mary’s hand. She took it with some recludance, finally taking a small pull. 

“Hold it in!” Hermione jumped to her knees and held a hand over Mary’s mouth. “If you just exhale it won’t do anything!”

Alice let out a shrill giggle as Mary tried to pry Hermione’s hands off her. The two toppled over on their sides as Mary finally got the other girl off and immediately began a coughing fit. Hermione pounded her on the back until she let up. Mary tried handing the joint back to Alice, but she wouldn’t take it.

“Nope. At least one more.”

Mary groaned. “I don’t want to get high. At least one of us needs to have our heads on straight. What if something happens to Hal and Hiram out there?”

“The boys are fine.” Hermione tossed an arm around Mary and pulled her into a hug. “And no one’s making you do anything, Mare! But doesn’t it get boring always being the straightest person in the room? Loosen up for once? “ She flashed a mouthful of perfect teeth. “Please?”

Alice held her hands together and smiled. “Please?”

“I know I complain about you two being at each other throats all the time,” Mary said as she held the joint back up to her mouth. She knew she’d regret this, but anything was better than listening to the two of them get on her case all night. “But you’re both quite possibly worse when you’re getting along.”

Hermione and Alice scowled at one another. Hermione let go of Mary and plucked the joint from her hands. 

“If this is us ‘getting along,’” Hermione said cooly, “you must have some truly low standards.” She sat back down on her knees and waved towards Alice. “Finish your boring story please. Hal is a good boy, his mommy loves him, his granny loves him, he’s a goddamn Adventure Scout. Continue.”

Alice readjusted her legs, pulling Hal’s t-shirt she was using as a nightgown down over her knees. “So first night, we’re scared shitless. We can’t even fall asleep, much less fool around for fear Mrs. Cooper was going to come thundering down the stairs at 3 am with a load of laundry or something. I sneak out at sunrise, dead tired, but we’re determined. Next night we’re a lot more relaxed, we sleep cuddled up on the pullout couch and it’s the best night of sleep of my life.”

Hermione passed the joint back to her. “Probably because you didn’t sleep the night before. Is this going somewhere besides putting me to sleep?”

Alice ignored her. “By the third night, we realize this whole family sleeps like the dead and we’re two stories below them.” Her lips curled into a wicked grin. “Totally safe. So naturally, we start getting careless. We’re not even worried about getting caught anymore. So there we are, maybe halfway through the second week. It’s only midnight but the family’s been asleep for hours already. I’m laying on the pullout couch and Hal is going down on me -”

“Alice!” Mary exclaimed. “God, I don’t want to hear about that.”

“Don’t be such a prude,” Hermione laughed. She threw her hair over her shoulder. “Why are all redheads so afraid of sex? You’re almost as bad as Penelope.”

Mary felt the heat rising on her face. “I am not afraid of sex! I’ve just, well, come on. You know I’ve - that I’m, you know.” She trailed off and rolled her arms. Alice shrugged. 

“A virgin?”

“Yes,” Mary whispered harshly. She glanced over her shoulder even though she knew the boys were still gone. “And I’m not ashamed of it so don’t even go there.”

Alice scoffed. “Okay, so don’t make me feel bad about not being one. Jesus. We said we were getting high and exchanging embarrassing stories. It just so happens mine is about sex.”

“To be fair,” Hermione chimed in, “you are the one who said we were getting high and exchanging embarrassing stories. I think you just want an excuse to brag about your boyfriend being so, so orally giving.”

Alice took another puff off their twinding joint. “Jealous?”

“Of Hal? No thank you. The boy has two left feet, I can only imagine how uncoordinated he must be in the sack.”

“Hal is quite the lover-”

“Would you just finish your story?” Mary asked. She was regretting saying anything bad about the two of them getting along. “So you guys are, are fooling around. And?”

“So Hal is going down on me. And like I said, we’ve gotten really comfortable down there. Being quiet has long since been forgotten. And I don’t know if I was just really into it that night or Hal was trying something new, but I am gone to the world. Gone. So I really don’t hear when the door opens. And my thighs are clamped so tightly around Hal’s head, that he can’t hear a thing.”

Mary covered her hands with her mouth while Hermione’s face lit up with delight. “No!”

“Yes!” Alice fell over to her side in a fit of giggles. Once she stopped, she stayed laying on her side, cradling her head in her hands. “So something tells me to open my eyes and there is Mrs. Cooper’s feet just coming down the stairs. So all at once I kick Hal off of me, roll off the couch and crawl into the spot between the pullout bed and the floor. Thank god only the lamp was on so it was pretty dark. Hal is all confused, then his mom flicks on the light and he jumps down on the bed so hard, the part underneath hits me in the head. Mrs. Cooper starts insisting she woke up because she forgot to take pork chops out of the spare freezer and that’s the only reason she came down, but who knows? Then she gets on Hal for not putting the sheets properly on the bed and he has to jump up and do it himself because he doesn’t want to risk her looking under and seeing me.”

Hermione wiped a few tears of laughter from under her eyes. “Oh god, and you know the poor guy probably had to hide his boner from his mom while she snooped around.”

“Don’t be gross. I think your mom showing up is a sure fire way to lose a boner.”

“Have you never heard of an embarrassment boner?”

“What the hell is an embarrassment boner?”

“Could we stop?” Mary pulled her hands away from her bright red face. “Could we please, please just stop talking about boners? Please?”

Alice closed her eyes and smiled. “Okay, that was my story. Who’s next?”

“Oh come on!” Hermione exclaimed. “Don’t leave us hanging! Did he at least finish when she left?”

Mary groaned into her hands. “I will never be able to look at Hal in the face again.”

“You know damn well a lady never tells,” Alice sung. 

“It’s okay,” Mary sighed. “Clearly, I have too many friends anyway.”

“Lady?” Hermione asked. “Are you implying you’re a lady?”

A noise came from down the hall. Mary went up on her knees and craned her neck to look down the hall towards the bedrooms. 

“What the hell is a lady away?” Alice sat back up, sleepiness wearing off her face. “What makes you more of a lady than me?”

“Guys, did you hear that?” Mary asked. She stood up and took a few steps towards the hallway.

“A lady is someone with grace and better social skills than to tell a story about their boyfriend eating them out in mixed company.”

“Mixed company? It’s just the three of us!”

Mary gulped hard. “Guys, I really think there is someone down there.”

Hermione turned her head so quickly that her hair whipped around her head. “Damnit, Mary. Can’t you see we’re -”

A crash through a closed door cut her off. All three girls gasped.

“What the hell -” Alice slammed her hand over Hermione’s mouth, smacking the other girl right in the teeth. Hermione shoved her off. “Ow!”

Alice held a finger up to her lips to shush Hermione and jumped to her feet. She walked the few feet to Mary and looked up at her wide eyed. “Where do you think it’s coming from?” she asked in a low tone. 

“I think the last master bedroom,” Mary whispered. “It didn’t quite sound like glass. The windows are so heavy in this place it would have been way louder if it was a window breaking. Maybe it was a mirror.”

“There’s a huge mirror in that bedroom!” Hermione popped up on Mary’s other side, fire poker held like a baseball bat up to her shoulder. Both girls shushed her. “It’s right near the window. I bet they broke it.”

Alice scowled at her. “Who’s they?”

“I have no idea who they is! Maybe someone trying to break in, maybe one of your goddamn demons. All I do know is, we’re going to catch them. I have an idea.”

Alice crossed her arms over her chest and blew a stray piece of hair out of her face. “Famous last words.”

“Guys, come on.” Mary put a hand on either girl’s arm and took a deep breath. She was positive it was Fred and FP down there. Or at least mostly positive. 90% at the very least. “I don’t think we have anything to worry about. Let’s not do anything rash.” She took her right hand off Hermione and tried to pull the fire poker out of her hand, but Hermione held on tight. “It could just be the window was left open. Maybe a squirrel came in. Or,” she let out a nervous high pitch laugh that was much louder than intended, “or maybe it’s that bear Hiram was talking about.”

“Christ, we’ve lost her.” Alice pulled herself out of Mary’s grip as well. “She’s high as a kite and talking out her ass.”

“I am not high as a kite!” Mary hissed, stepping back between the girls. “I just don’t think we need to make this a big thing when for all we know, it’s just Hiram and Hal behind that door!”

“Uh huh, you sound like just Hal was he’s high. Denile and paranoia.” Alice placed her arm gently in front of Mary and lightly moved her aside so she could see Hermione. “I can’t believe I’m asking you this, but what’s the plan?”

Mary took a few more steps towards the hall as her two friends spoke behind her. Would Fred and FP really go as far as to break in? Had they seen Hal and Hiram take off and decided the coast was clear? Where they also high and thought breaking into the cabin was the safer bet over just knocking on the front door? 

Her solid 90% was dropping to a 50%. 

From behind her she heard Hermione’s voice call out, “Good job, keep watching that door, Mare. I’m going to find a knife while Alice gets the handcuffs. Oh, if you guys brought any lube, grab that too. We might need it.”

* * *

 

Mary sighed, really wishing she’d listened to the plan. FP always had the amazing ability to fall asleep anywhere. A lumpy couch, an unvacuumed bedroom floor, the backseat of a car, his front row desk in history class. 

And, apparently, the bed of a strangely kind waitress in a tourist town a hundred miles from home. Even sans waitress. 

Fred tossed and turned on the couch for an hour, having lost out on the bedroom to FP. (“I’m the one who got us a place to sleep. I get the good bed.”) Fred took one look in the brother’s bedroom before stepping back slowly and hopping on the couch. And his mother thought his room was bad? 

He cautiously stepped through the doorway of the waitress’s bedroom. FP was sprawled out on top of the covers, snoring softly. Fred had been too nervous to remove much of his clothes in a stranger’s home. What if one of the brother’s came back? What if he didn’t wake up before Franny-the-waitress came home and she got a sight of him in his undies? Instead, he kicked off his beat up Converses and used his denim jacket as a blanket. 

FP, on the other hand, had made himself at home, striping down to nothing but his boxers and a thin white t-shirt. His jeans, flannel, and jacket were laying in a heap on the floor, next to his scuffed boots. Fred stepped over the clothes and took a seat on the edge of the creaking bed. 

“Hey, FP,” Fred said softly, leaning down slightly. “Are you awake?” FP twitched a bit, but his snores continued. Fred slowly reached out a poked his arm with a slight jab. No reaction. “Are you sleeping?” Some mumblings came out of his friend’s mouth, but his eyes stayed shut. “FP.” Another jab. “Can you hear me?” Another and - 

FP’s hand shot up and grabbed Fred’s finger. Fred slid off the bed with a thump as FP pulled a pillow over his face. 

“What Freddy?” he muttered through the pillow. “You can see I’m sleeping. You need to keep jabbing me and -”

“Well, I can’t sleep here.” Fred pulled himself up on his knees and leaned his elbows on the edge of the bed. “This place creeps me out. It’s so quiet, I could hear you snoring from the next room. The living room has nothing on the walls. Who decorated this place? The other bedroom smells like cheesy feet and lake water. And while we’re on the subject, why the hell is there a diner open 24 hours in the off season? Doesn’t this all strike you as a little -” FP mumbled something and Fred finally yanked the pillow off his face. “What was that?”

“You’re overthinking, that’s what.” FP’s eyes stayed closed and he took the pillow back from Fred. He rolled over on his side so he faced the wall instead of Fred, cuddling the pillow. “Just go to sleep, Fred. Things will be better in the morning.”

“Since when are you so optimistic?” Fred scoffed. “You’re normally Mr. Doom and Gloom over here.”

“Lets see. How about since I was dead on my feet and a little gentle flirting with Franny-the-waitress got me a place to sleep that isn’t in the back of a van being spooned by you.”

Fred pulled himself up and sat on the edge of the bed again. “I never hear you complain.”

FP turned around in the bed again, facing his friend. “I am not leaving this bed, this apartment, this building right now, Fred, so don’t even ask.”

He bounced up and down, just enough to make the bed frame creak. “We don’t have to leave. It’s just, like I said, I can’t sleep here.”

“I’m not giving up this bed.”

“We can both fit! I’m tiny.”

“It’s a twin.”

“It’s a full! Definenty a full. Just like my bed at home.”

FP hit his palms to his eyes and rubbed. “Fine. Fine.” He tossed the pillow on his chest at Fred. “Please, I just don’t want to wake up to you drooling over me.”

“I was drooling on you, not over you. I didn’t have a pillow. Your arm was comfort-”

“Shut it.” He took hands off his face and looked at his friends, his eyes just adjusting to the low light coming through the lone window. “Just shut it and get to sleep. You’re lucky I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

Fred hopped into the bed, still not bothering to take off his jeans or shirt. He fluffed the pillow and put his head down. He felt FP’s weight redistribute as he moved his back to Fred. 

Besides the moonlight coming through the window, the only other light was the LED alarm clock flickering 2:30 AM. Fred considered setting an alarm, but decided against it. No way he’d sleep more than five and half hours when he was living off adrenaline, love, and burnt diner coffee.

He rolled over to face FP’s back. His friend was back to snoring softly in his sleep. He gently placed an arm over him and closed his eyes, feeling as much at ease as he had since they left town.

* * *

 

“You are a real charmer aren’t you, Mr. Lodge?” Franny-the-waitress asked. She leaned over the counter, resting her chin in her palms, and smiled at him. It took all of Hiram’s willpower not to stare at the button about to pop open on her blouse.

“I have been known to sweep some unexpected ladies off their feet from time to time.” He winked at her and she let out a fierce giggle. A fork clanged as it dropped against an empty plate from two stools down, making both of them jump. Hal glared at him.

Franny rolled her eyes and took the empty plate from Hal. “You polished that off pretty quick, big boy. How about another slice? The cherry’s pretty good too.”

Hal crossed his arms over his chest “We really need to get going, don’t we, Hiram?”

“We’re not in a huge rush.” He shot another smile at Franny. “I mean, we didn’t even get what we came here for.”

Franny put her free hand on her hip. “I thought you fellows came here for some late night pie.”

“Well, he did.” Hiram jutted his head towards Hal. “I came here for a bit of information.”

“Information?” She put the plate down in a bin behind her and slowly turned around. “Let me get that slice of cherry pie first.”

“Make it to go!” Hal yelled after her as she walked down towards the pie display. “It’s for my girlfriend.”

She shot him a smile over her shoulder. “Sure it is, hun.”

As soon as she was out of earshot, Hal turned on Hiram. “What the hell are you doing?” he hissed. “Remember Hermione?”

“Of course I remember Hermione,” he said coolly, “but a little shameless flirting to get intel isn’t hurting her. Plus, it was your idea to come here.”

“I didn’t ask to stop here for pie! I just said if we were coming in here anyway -”

“You said Fred would be hiding here.”

“I said he might be and he’s obviously not!”

“But dear Franny over there might know -”

“Might know what?” Franny slid a plate of cherry pie in front of Hal and placed her hands back on her hips, smiling at them.

Hal stared at the plate. “I said to-go.”

“Hunny,” she pouted her lips at Hal. “You and I both know there is no girlfriend waiting for that.” She handed him a fork. “Eat up.” She leaned back over the counter, smiling at Hiram. “Now what do you need to know, Mr. Lodge? I can’t imagine little old me has anything you need.”

“Please,” he laughed. “It’s just Hiram and I’m so sure you do. You see, there’s this guy that’s been tailing us and we were just wondering if he’s come through here.”

“A guy tailing you?” Franny let out a high-pitched laughed that nearly made Hal drop his fork and cover his ears. Alice had a high laugh, but her’s was natural, sweet, enchanting. Franny’s was fake as anything. “You that important, just-Hiram?”

“Maybe.” He put his hands on the counter and folded them. “So you see, we came up here with a couple of girls”.

“Girls who are not your girlfriends?” Franny’s eyes darted to Hal and she shot him a wink. He rolled his eyes as he dug his fork into his second slice of pie.

“So there’s this guy who’s been trying to get with the one who’s pretty much my girlfriend. He followed us up here.”

“Hmm.” Franny stuck her hand into the pocket of her apron, looking for something. “You sure he followed you?”

“Yeah. We just found his van.” Hiram looked over his shoulder out the window. “It’s right out there.”

Franny pursed her lips, clearly not finding whatever she was looking for in her apron. “And this guy?” She leaned on the counter again. “What’d you say his name was? Maybe he did pass through here.”

“It’s Fr-”

“Frank!” Hal shouted. He dropped his fork to his plate again. “Don’t even make Hiram say it, you know? The name. It’s practically cursed. Frank. Yep.”

Her eyes lazily traveled from Hiram to Hal and back again. Hal offered her a gleaming smile, the one that screamed teacher’s pet, momma’s boy, honor roll. 

“So this guy’s name is Frank?” she asked uncertainty. 

Hal tapped Hiram’s leg with his foot. Hiram locked eyes with Franny and nodded. “Yup. Frank. That’s it.”

She nodded slowly. “Right. Well, I don’t recall serving any Frank’s tonight. And uh, that van right out there? That’s his, huh? This Frank’s?” Hiram nodded. “So how did you come across it?” 

A light sweat was breaking out on Hiram’s forehead. “Well, that is a funny story. You see, I say it’s his but -”

A siren filled the diner as a police car sped past on the main road. The flashing lights came and went just as quickly, racing up the hill to the -

“The cabin,” Hiram said, just as Hal said, “The girls.” Franny ran towards the phone at the end of the bar.

“What if something -”

“Do you think someone -”

“But how?”

“They’re probably fine.”

“They could have -”

“No way.”

“Get back?” 

“Absolutely.”

Hiram dropped a ten dollar bill on the counter, but Franny was far too concerned with her phone call to pay the boys any mind. She was fidgeting with something in her apron pocket again as she bounced on the balls on her feet.

“Thanks for nothing, Fran!” Hiram yelled as he chased Hal out the door. She didn’t even turn around.

Hal’s hands shook as he turned the ignition. “If anything happened to them -”

“Nothing happened them!” Hiram bit his thumb nail. “For all we know, Fred just showed up and scared the shit out of them and they called the police.”

The van screeched as Hal pulled onto the road, slamming his foot on the accelerator to get up the hill.

“We’ve been gone too long. What if they think we’re dead and they called the cops to report us missing?”

“Hal! Shut up.” Hiram switched hands and started biting his other thumb nail. “For all we know, the cops are just looking for us for stealing the van.”

“Stealing the - we didn’t steal the van!”

Hiram raised his eyebrows. “Technically, you stole the van. But relax, I wouldn’t let you take the fall for it. My parents will bail both of us out.”

Hal’s knuckles turned white gripping the steering wheel. “The doors were unlocked! The keys were in it!”

“Yeah, but it’s not ours. Still technically stealing.” They pulled up the short road leading to the cabin and could already see the police lights near the front door. “Shit. Shit shit shit.”

The van came to a halt just a few feet from the back of the police cruiser. Hermione stood triumphantly between the two cops and Alice and Mary stood off to the side. All five looked at the boys quizzically as they jumped out the van and ran towards them.

“What happened?” Hal asked. He stopped when he came to Alice and took her in his arms, quickly rocking her back and forth. “God, Alice. Are you okay?” She shrugged towards Mary before finally pulling away from Hal and taking his shoulders.

“Are you okay is the question.” she said. “What the hell were you guys up to? And where did you get the van? Is that -”

He leaned down and kissed her several times quickly on the mouth. Without being able to help herself, she giggled. “What’s gotten into you, Hal? Why do you taste like cherries Were you eating pie?” He turned her around and wrapped his arms around her, walking her the few feet towards Mary.

Her arms were still crossed over her chest, but Mary smirked at the couple. “Have fun being masculine with Hiram?”

“Not at all, no.” He wrapped his arms tighter around Alice and rested his chin on her shoulder. “I never want to go anywhere with Hiram again as long as I live. So what happened?”

Not letting Hal let go of her, Alice turned their bodies to they could walk closer to the police car, Mary following them. “We played Home Alone with some petty criminal. Good time.”

“So then he opened the door and stepped right onto the lubricant we’d spread on the floor.” Hermione’s hands were folded delicately behind her back, her chest held out proudly before her in her black nightgown as she told their story with a smile. Hiram met Hal’s eyes and nodded towards the back of the cruiser. Hal squinted and could just make out a figure in the backseat. “He came sliding down the hallway and we quickly handcuffed him to the radiator. That’s when Mary over there,” Hermione flipped her hair over her shoulder as she turned to smile at Mary, “called you guys while Alice and I stood guard.”

“Stood guard with a fire poker and butcher knife?” one cop asked as he scrawled on a notepad. 

“Yes, sir!” Hermione said brilliantly. “We had to make due. We didn’t have any real weapons in the house, of course.”

The cop flipped his notepad shut. “Well I think that’s all we need for tonight. You girls did good.”

“Officer?” Mary asked, using the voice she reserved for asking questions in class. “Do you know who he is?”

The other cop sighed. “Just some lowlife from town. Him and his brother are always making trouble, pulling stints like this with the tourists. Sister works at the diner and she probably won’t be happy to hear there won’t be any bail. This is his third strike.”

“And good riddance!” Hiram chimed in. He took a few steps closer to Hermione and the cops. “Don’t need low lives like him around here, now do we?”

“I’m sorry. You are?”

He extended his hand, but the cop merely looked at him. Hiram ran his hand through his hair instead, covering up his embarrassment. “Hiram Lodge, sir. My family owns this cabin.”

“Right. And you fellows just left these three ladies here alone while you did what? Went cruising in the woods?”

“Left us alone?” Alice asked. Hal kept his grip on her, but she pulled away from him. “Ladies? Look, I think we did a pretty decent job taking take of that creep ourselves.”

The cop looked at his partner and laughed. “Well you did outnumber him three to one.”

“That’s beside the point.” Alice placed her hands on her hips and stood up to her full height of five foot six. “Also, I’d like those handcuffs back.” She forced a smile. “Please.”

The other cop shook his head. “Right, of course.” He handed her the handcuffs.“And don’t forget these.” She held out her hand and he dropped the small key into her hand. 

“Thank you.” She turned and held out both to Hal. “Here you go, babe.”

Hal’s face flushed as he took both from Alice, letting out a nervous laugh and avoiding the gaze of the cops. 

“I think we have it from here, officers.” Hiram extended his hand again and neither took it. “Right, so we will give you good men a call if anything else happens. Sound good?”

“Just don’t cause anymore trouble, kids,” the one cop called as he got in the car. “We have enough trouble with you tourists and the season hasn’t even started yet.”

“Can you believe that?” Alice scoffed as the cops drove off. She turned on the rest of them, holding her hand up to her chest. “That guy was trying to rob us and he told us to stay out of trouble? As if.”

“They were nice to me,” Hermione sang. 

“Maybe they were nice to you because your tits are out.”

“Or maybe you shouldn’t have owned to being the owner of the handcuffs so quickly.” She turned to Hal. “Where on earth did you get those anyway? I thought they were a toy pair with a safe latch that kids use for Halloween.”

Hal gulped. “You know, I really don’t want to get into this.” He crammed the key into his pocket and twirled the handcuffs in his hand. “It’s late, guys. It’s so late. Lets - lets get to bed.”

“Where did you guys go through?” Mary asked. “And where the hell did this come from?” She kept her tone level, but she could already feel herself sweating. “Is this Fred and FP’s van? They’re not here, are they? Are they?”

“It’s just us,” Hiram smiled, wrapping an arm around Hermione. Her bare arms were cold and she leaned into him. “We’ll explain everything in the morning. Hal’s right. We should all get to bed.”

They made their way back inside, dragging their feet along the way and finally letting the longness of the day get to them. Alice and Hal closed the door of their room first and Mary looked expectantly at Hermione as she walked past their shared room. Hermione waved her off and Mary simply shrugged and closed the door.

Just as Hiram entered the master bedroom, Hermione slammed into him, forcing her way inside.

“Hermione, what’re you -?”

She closed the door softly behind her and walked slowly towards Hiram.

“God, that was such a thrill.”

Hiram laughed. “I can imagine. You’re a real hero.”

Hermione grabbed the front of his shirt and shoved him back onto the bed. She leaned over him, her hair fanning out around his face. “Ready to finish what we started earlier, Lodge?” 

His heart sped up in his chest and he swallowed the lump in his throat. “Y-yes. Yes, I am.”

“Good.” She pulled herself on top of him and leaned in for a kiss. “I hope you weren’t actually planning on sleeping tonight.”

* * *

 

Back in town, two boys slept curled up in a borrowed bed far too small for the both of them.

8 am came and went and no waitress came back to kick them out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Validate my existence.


	6. Monday, still

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trash at updating but you guys been knew that.

Fred knew he was impulsive. He knew he sometimes made rash choices that weren’t for the best. But if there was one thing his bad decisions never brought him, it was danger.

Fred was sure they’d gotten into a lot worse scraps than this. Dumber ones at least. But the most danger he’d ever actually faced was when he had accidentally made two dates for the same night and spent his whole time bouncing between them at opposite ends of Pops. God knew what would have happen if the two girls found out about each other. But at least the worst that could have come of that was him getting slapped and maybe not landing another date for a while. That wasn’t the end of the word. It wasn’t like his life was at stake.

Not like now. And it wasn’t even his fault! 

Fred glared at FP’s sleeping figure and immediately felt bad about it. Okay, so FP had been the one to shamelessly flirt with the waitress and get them sleeping quarters for the night. But Fred was the reason they were hear in the first place. If only he hadn’t had this crazy idea of chasing Hermione here and trying to sweep her off her feet. If only he had stayed back and sulked in Riverdale with FP. They could have had a good time. There were movies to see, pick up games of basketball to be played, swimming in Sweetwater River to be had. (FP was a horrible swimmer and Fred swore he’d teach him proper one day. Today could have been that day.) Hell, maybe if they had combined their efforts, they could have convinced Mary to stay too. Maybe the three of them could have -

But he hadn’t. He’d somehow talked both Mary and FP into his stupid plan and here he was.

Stuck.

In some stranger’s bedroom.

While people walked around the rest of the apartment, clearly forgetting he and FP were here.

Fred pressed his ear up against the door and tried to listen to the conversation going on. Definitely a man and woman. Was the woman Frannie-the-waitress or someone else? The man one of her brothers? Did she say she lived here with anyone else? There hardly seemed room for three people, much less four. And didn’t she say her brothers were away?

Only a scattering of words made it through the heavy wood - prison, brother, money, sheriff, lodge, tourists.

No. 

Surely by lodge, they meant one of the many cabins in this small town, not the family. Yet hadn’t Frannie-the-waitress told them neary every cabin was empty still? That the real season didn’t start for a few weeks? But even then, the chances were slim that the Lodge’s cabin was the only one occupied. Not when there were so many up this way. And how would she know anyway? It’s not like people checked in and out of their own vacation home.

FP let out a snort in his sleep making Fred jump. He finally took his ear away from the door.

No, no, no. People didn’t check in and out of their vacation homes. But Fred would be willing to bet that nearly every person stopped at that rinky-dink diner on their way here.

He pressed his mouth shut as tight as it would go. The butterflies in his stomach weren’t the good ones. They were the aggressive ones that felt like they’d rip through if he didn’t just up and do something. 

FP turned in the bed, rolling back over the middle. Fred balled up his friend’s clothes from the floor and nearly threw them at him. This was FP’s fault after all. He was the one who had to keep flirting with the waitress. Fred would have been more than happy sleeping in the back of the Shaggin Wagon. It may not be as comfortable, but hell, sleeping in a van on the side of the road was probably safer than this stranger’s apartment.

Fred slid over to where FP was, unsure of where the creaks in the floor were. The people on the other side of the door seemed to be frantically walking between rooms and he was afraid this room was next.

Fred slowly covered FP’s mouth with his hand and gave him a light shake in the shoulder with his other. Not for the first time, Fred was jealous of his friend’s ability to sleep through anything.

“F,” Fred whispered. He shook him a little harder. “Hey, FP.” He gave him a quick pinch in the arm.

FP’s hand flew up and Fred immediately pinned it back down. His eyes popped open and immediately traveled to Fred’s hand. He could feel his body relax once he saw it was just Fred, but his eyebrows raised. Fred let go of FP’s arm and held a finger to his lips before taking his other hand off FP’s mouth.

FP’s eyes darted to the window. “What the -”

“Shhh!” 

“Right.” FP looked back at him wide eyed and dropped his voice. “What’s going on? We were supposed to be out of here early. Didn’t you set an alarm?”

Fred felt a twitch of annoyance. “Why would I have set an alarm? This was your idea.” FP opened it mouth but Fred shook his head before he could get a word out. “Forget it. All I know is we slept late and there are people in here now. At least two. I think one might be the waitress, but I’m not sure. If it is, she must have forgot about us or think we’re long gone.”

“But -”

“But they are out there talking about money and prison and cops and the Lodges!” His voice went up at the last word and he quickly turned to the door.

“The Lodges?” FP sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. Fred reached down and handed FP his shirt. “No. No, Freddie. They’re talking about the lodges. The cabins, you know? No way -”

“I don’t know.” Fred ran both his hands through his hair. “And I really don’t want to find out. It’s already noon. And we need to get out of here.”

FP stood up to pull his jeans on. He paused with them halfway up his thighs. “Fred, no. You’re not suggesting we -”

“There’s a fire escape a few feet from the window. We just need to walk across the ledge for, I don’t know.” Fred chewed this thumb nail for a second. “Ten feet or so.”

* * *

 

The sun crossed the room and Alice’s eyes popped open with a start. Her surroundings were all unfamiliar. Wrong. She tried sitting up, but the arm around her waist pulled her back down.

“Shhh,” Hal’s voice lazily cooed in her ear, making the hairs on the back of her neck rise. “Relax, hun. We’re at the cabin.”

Alice let herself be pulled back to the pillow. Hal tightened his grip around her waist, pulling her against his body and nuzzling his nose against her neck. She swallowed the lump in her throat and let herself relax, shutting her eyes again.

“I forgot where we were for a second,” she laughed. “The sun's up. I didn't want your mom bursting in here and catching us.”

“Shhhh,” Hal hushed again. “Quiet voices. We're still sleeping.”

Alice looked over her shoulder. Hal's pressed his nose against her cheek to turn her head back around.

“What time is it?”

Hal hummed against her neck. “Quarter past noon.”

“Shit. We need to get up.”

Hal buried his hand back under the blanket and found her waist. She was still in one of his t-shirts. Not one he'd brought along, but rather one she'd pilfered from his room last week. One that still smelled like soap and dust and just a little bit of sweat. She'd wear it to bed until it lost that scent - that Hal scent - and then she'd toss it in his hamper for his mom to wash and take another.

“Not getting up,” he muttered against her neck. 

“It’s so late.” She tried sitting up again, but Hal tightened his grip. “Come on. This isn’t like you.”

“I have never slept this late in my entire life, Alice.” He buried his face in her hair. “No sleeping in with my mom there. Let me have this. Please?”

She laughed and wriggled under his grip until she was turned around facing him. “You’re wide awake already.”

“I know. I didn’t want to disturb you, so I was watching you sleep.”

“Watching me sleep?” She pressed her nose against his. “That’s so creepy.”

His lips curled into a smile, but his eyes stayed closed. “Yeah, you’ll fall asleep in bed with me, wearing my clothes, but I’m the creepy one. Sure.”

She leaned her head against his chest, inhaling the smell of the woods that was still strong on him. They’d both collapsed after the events of last night, Hal only managing to kick his jeans and sneakers off before passing out next to her. 

Another deep inhale. She could still faintly smell the cologne he must have sprayed on before they left home the day before.

Alice let out a deep sigh. “I could get used to this,” she whispered softly against her boyfriend.

“Get used to what?” Hal asked. He pressed his lips against the top of her head. “800 thread count sheets? The fresh air? Living off the Lodge’s good graces? Oh, or the hot tub?”

She shook her head lightly, her curls fanning over Hal’s chest. “No. I mean I could get used to this. Us. Waking up next to you. Not worrying about your mom bursting in on us or my dad chewing me out for not coming home. Just me and you in a nice big bed. Not a care in the world.”

Hal’s breathing deepened and Alice could hear his heartbeat speed up. “Yeah?” Alice nodded. Hal scooped up her chin and kissed her quickly.  “I love you, Alice. I love you so much. This is it, you know.”

She pulled back slightly. “What’s is?”

“This. Me and you.” His blue eyes lit up as he spoke. “I’m just, I’m so certain about us. I never want to look at another girl again. I just want you, you know? I’m never going to find anyone else like you for the rest of my life. It can’t get better than this.”

Alice rolled her eyes. “Yeah, Hal. It can definitely get better. Your parents could actually like me.”

“My parents do -”

“My dad could like you.”

“I can’t help it if -”

“We could not have people at school shit talking us for being so mismatched.”

“Who cares if -”

“We could be from the same -”

“Alice!” He scooped her face up in his hands again. “Relax. I get that things aren’t perfect, okay? Nothing is. But aren’t you the one who just said you could get used to this?”

“I mean, sure. Theoretically, I could get used to living in this luxury cabin where we get to sleep into the early hours of the afternoon and then hang out in a hottub all day. Who couldn’t? But please stop pretending we have a perfect relationship, that we don’t have any problems or obstacles in our way.”

“I’m not doing that.” Hal sighed and shook his head. “God, you’re nicer when you’re just waking up.”

“Oh, I am not any different when -”

“Alice,” Hal said firmly. He took her head in his hands and laced his fingers between a few strands of her hair. “What did you mean a few minutes ago when you said you could get used to this?”

She bit her lip. “That this is nice. Waking up next to you and not having to worry about everything back home for a few days.”

“Exactly, so why don’t we worry about all that other stuff when we actually get back home, okay? My mom isn’t here. Your dad isn’t here. We have nothing to worry about, okay?” Alice pursed her lips and looked away. “Alice. Okay?”

“Sure.”

Hal moved her head up and down, making her nod. The corners of her mouth twitched up until she full on let out a laugh.

“Okay, okay,” she finally said. “No more thinking of home. Lets just enjoy this week.”

Hal tucked a strand of hair behind one of her ears. “That’s my girl. You know, I haven’t heard anyone else wake up yet.” Hal sat up. “Maybe we can get the hottub to ourselves for a while.”

Alice shoved him back down with the palm of her hands. “The hot tub is huge. We’ll manage sharing.” 

“But -”

Alice tossed a leg over Hal so she was perched over him. “You passed right out after coming back, we didn’t have a chance to break in this room.”

Hal laughed. “Come on, Alice.” He placed his hands on her hips. “We haven’t even had breakfast. I didn’t even shower after we -”

She placed a finger over his mouth. “We’ll be quick. We’ll figure out if the room is really soundproof.”

* * *

 

In all the time she’d known him, Hiram Lodge never struck Hermione as an extreme cuddler, but there she was, trapped with his head on her chest and his arms around her waist. Brilliant.

It wasn’t that she didn’t like the cuddling, the affection. She just wasn’t expecting it. Didn’t crave it exactly. Weren’t you supposed to go to certain boys for certain things?  This one was great at that, that one was willing to do this. That one was circumcised, that one wasn’t. That one left hickeys, while that other one kissed her ever so softy.

Fred was the cuddly type. One look at him was enough to tell you that. She figured Hiram would be more the “I like my own blanket, thanks” after sex.

Life was filled with mysteries, she supposed.

She took a deep breath and picked up Hiram’s arm, laying it down in between their bodies. Then she slowly moved to the side, little by little, until Hiram’s head finally hit the pillow with a soft thud.

She let out a sigh of relief once she got her feet back on the floor and pulled her black nightgown back over her head. She was never much with pillow talk and the last thing she needed was an awkward “how was last night?” conversation. Not like Hiram was the kind of guy to have talks like that, but you could never be too careful. She never would have pegged him as a cuddler either, and look how wrong she was in that regard.

The door let out a low creak as she pushed it open, but Hiram merely rolled over a bit and cuddled up against the pillow. Hermione opened the door just enough to slip through and pushed it closed as quick as she could. The mechanism clicked and she finally allowed herself to smile. 

Had she really just slept with Hiram Lodge? God, what a wild night.

Smirk still on her face, she spun on her bare feet to face the guest room. Alice and Hal were just closing the door to their room. Both of their hair was wet and they were giggling over something. Hal did a double take towards her and Alice’s lips curled into a wicked grin.

“Hermione, dear.” Alice planted her hands on her hips and tilted her head. “Don’t you look all a flutter. How was the, you know,” she rolled the words around on her tongue, “the sex with Hiram?”

She crossed her arms over her exposed chest, grateful Hal had the good sense to be staring at the floor and not at her. “None of your business.”

“So you did sleep with him?”

Hermione’s mouth opened and Hal interrupted before she could get a word out. “Come on, Alice.” He put his hands on his girlfriend’s shoulders and turned her down the hall. “No need to pry when -”

“Who’s prying?” Alice turned her head to look up at Hal. “If it’s just the five of us here, I think everyone’s business gets to be everyone else’s business. Don’t you?”

Hermione rolled her eyes. “You’re right, Alice. Five is a total crowd.” 

“You’re the one who invited Mary, therefore you’re the one who made the crowd.”

Hermione balled her one hand into a fist and poked Alice’s chest with her other hand. “You!” She gave her another jab. “You are the crowd!”

Hal tightened his grip on Alice’s shoulders. “Come on, girls. It’s really too early to argue.”

“It is past 1 pm, Hal!” Alice pulled herself out of his grip and took a step towards Hermione. “You’re the one who invited someone else, not me. Hell, maybe I should have just invited Fred so we really could have had a -” Alice paused with her mouth half open. She furrowed her brows and turned to Hal. “The Shaggin Wagon. Did that - is it really parked outside?”

Hermione laughed. “Oh my god, how high were you? Sure, it was a VW, but it wasn’t the Shaggin Wagon.” She swallowed and squinted her eyes. “I mean, it was the same color and all - that hideous shade of brown - but how the hell could it have been the Shaggin Wagon?” She planted her hands on her hips and looked to Hal. “Did it have a big dent on the side from when Penelope backed up into it?”

“I’m sure it did!” Alice smacked Hal’s shoulder with the back of her hand. “Right, babe? Did you notice?”

Hal opened his mouth, but both girls kept talking.

“Oh my god, Alice. Did you tell FP we were coming up here?”

“Why the hell would I tell him?”

“Oh, so you did?”

“So what if I -”

“Because he’d tell Fred -”

“Fred already knew! The whole school knew!”

“Because you told them?”

“Why would I say anything?”

“Because you have a big mouth!”

“You’re literally the town gossip, yet here you are pointing fingers at me!”

“I only point fingers when it’s necessary!”

“Hey!” Hal moved himself between the two girls who were gradually moving in closer and closer to one another. “Lets just, lets just step back a little.” He put one hand on Alice to push her back. The other hand moved towards Hermione and, when he remember how little she was wearing, he pulled his hand back. “Do you guys even remember why you’re fighting?”

“Of course!” Hermione folded her arms back over her chest. “We’re fighting because, well, I guess because Alice said that can’t be the Shaggin Wagon and it totally could be.”

“I didn’t say that,” Alice scoffed. “We’re fighting because you said I might have told Fred we were coming up here this weekend, and what’s it matter if I did? Hiram told the entire school anyway.” Hermione took a breath, but Alice cut her off. “Hal, weren’t you driving? Was it the Shaggin Wagon or not?”

“Oh, absolutely.” He smiled fondly, looking between the two girls. “It was actually really funny. Like, you know how Fred never locks it? So Hiram is telling me I need to break into -”

“Get to the point!” Hermione snapped. 

“Umm.” Hal’s ears turned red as he looked between the two girls. “Well, I just like - I just opened the door. Then Hiram told me to hotwire it, but the keys were right in the visor. It was, it was kind of funny, you know? Or maybe you had to be there.”

Hermione hit his chest and Hal resisted rubbing the sore spot. “So it was the Shaggin Wagon!”

“Well, yeah.” Hal scratched the back of his neck. “Of course it was.”

Alice balled her fists up. “Those little - I’m going to murder them!” She let out a heavy breath and grabbed Hal’s arm. “Where the hell are they?”

“Oh, well,” he stammered, trying to pull himself from Alice’s grasp. She wasn’t having it. “I have no idea. We never actually saw them.”

“So you just stole their van?” Hermione’s eyes rolled back. “What kind of idiot are you?”

“It - it was Hiram’s idea.”

“Of course it was!” Alice squeezed his arm tighter. “And you’re just going to go along with whatever dumb idea Hiram has, huh?”

“Well it, it seemed like a good idea at the time -”

“Typical,” Alice and Hermione said in sync. They scowled at one another before turning back on Hal.

“Where did you find it?”

“Why weren’t they there?”

“Why did you guys decided to steal it?”

“How do you know they weren’t murdered?”

“My god, what if that psycho from last night got to them and that was their only escape?”

“Wow. You’re responsible for the death of the two biggest thorns in my side. I knew I loved you.”

“God, Alice! That’s not funny. Don’t joke about people getting murdered.”

“Who’s joking?”

“Alice!”

“Hermione!”

“Cut it out! They’re your friends.”

“And if they really decided to follow us out here to the murder woods for no other damn reason than they were bored, then they deserve to get murdered.”

“Cut it out!”

“Come on, Alice.” Hal ran his hand up her shoulder and she smacked him away. “It’s not funny.”

“Like I said, I’m not being -”

“Christ, do you have an off switch?” The door to the master bedroom swung open and Hiram stepped out, tying a silk robe around his waist. “I was trying to sleep.”

“Hey!” Hermione scoffed. She folded her arms back over her chest, suddenly embarrassed she still hadn’t gotten a chance to put on proper clothing yet. “I have a great voice.”

“Not you,” Hiram said softly. He put one hand on her cheek and planted a kiss on the other. The move felt far more intimate than she expected of him. “Your voice is smooth as silk.” His eyes rolled over to Alice. “And yours is as smooth as chunky peanut butter.”

Alice flipped him off. “Right back at you, Lodge.”

“I like chunky peanut butter,” Hal chimed in. He put his hands back on Alice’s shoulders and she didn’t shrug them off this time. “Nothing wrong with that.”

“Hal, my voice is -”

“Wonderful. It’s wonderful. Your laugh is music to my ears. But you know what would sound great right now?”

“An explanation of why the Shaggin Wagon is parked outside?” Hermione suggested.

“Well, yeah. That would be good too.” Hal looked between them. “But also coffee. Coffee is good.”

“Why are they here?” Hermione asked Hiram. “Alice says you’ve been bragging about this trip all week.”

“Bragging?” Hiram laughed. “Me? When do I brag about anything? And since when do you believe Alice?” 

Alice flipped her middle finger up again. “I am right here.”

Hiram ignored her. “I may have casually mentioned we were spending some time together this week, but I never told them where we were going. I never said anything about this cabin or us actually going away. I have no idea how Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum could have found us unless someone,” he jutted his head back at Alice, “told them.”

“Why would I want Fred and FP here?” Alice asked. “If I wanted to ruin your spring break, I’d do it myself. I don’t need them doing my dirty work for me. Plus, if five is a crowd, seven is really a crowd.”

“Well you see, I never said they were both here.” Hiram waved his finger in her face. “Got you. You blabbed.” 

Alice smacked his hand away. “They only have about four brain cells between them. No way Fred was coming up here on his own.” She shot Hermione a look. “Long car rides make Fred lonely, so he’d take FP for the company if anything. You’d know that about Fred if you actually gave a -”

“They’re your friends.” Hiram almost waved his finger at her again, but thought better of it and crossed his arms. “Why wouldn’t you want them here?”

“Because all I want is a few days alone with my boyfriend. It’s bad enough you’re here.”

“This is my place!”

“Guys, guys.” Hal pulled Alice back by the shoulders and pulled her back. “Why don’t we just go find them?”

“No!” Alice and Hiram both shouted.

“They’re bound to find their way here anyway,” Hermione said quickly. “They have no reason to come all the way here unless it was for us. Might as well go save them the hassle and drive into town to get them. They’re probably worried sick about the van.”

“Well they should know better than to leave it some place it could get stolen,” Alice said, matter-of-factly. She furrowed her brow and twisted to look at Hal. “Where was it anyway?”

He gulped. “Uhh, side of the road by the woods.” 

Alice blinked once, twice, before flicking Hal in the shoulder. “Oh god. They really are dead, aren’t they?”

Hal turned to Hiram. “Maybe we should go find them. Make sure they’re okay.”

“This is what I’ve been saying!” Hermione gripped Hiram’s arm and gave him a smile. “I’ll just go toss something on.”

“We’re just finding them to send them on their way,” Hiram huffed. “We are not letting them in here under any circumstance.”

Alice rolled her eyes. “I second that. Now please, go put on clothes that leaves something to the imagination. That robe is doing you no favors.”

* * *

 

“It’s not here.” FP’s voice was deadpan. “Fred.” No Freddie, just Fred. “The van isn’t here. This is where we left the van and now it’s not here. It’s gone. Where oh where could it be?”

Fred chewed on his thumbnail again, trying not to imagine his mother whacking his hand out of his mouth at the bad habit. 

“Did you hear me, Fred? It’s gone.”

“Of course I heard you!” Fred took his thumb out from his mouth and ran both hands down through his hair, taking fistfuls of it and giving it a little tug. “Someone must have, I don’t know. Maybe it got towed into town.”

“Right.” FP’s voice wasn’t angry. “Or maybe the van got bored and drove itself back to Riverdale like we should have done last night. Gee. I wish it would have taken me with it.”

“Funny,” Fred muttered. 

FP finally turned to look at him. “What part of me is being funny?” His voice rose as he spoke. “Riverdale isn’t typically a place I’m itching to go back to, as you damn well know, but anything is better than where we are right now.” He threw his hands up in the air. “Look at this! We’re in the middle of fucking nowhere! And why? Because Hermione is here? With Hiram? Who gives a fuck! Hermione’s favorite pastime is pitting you two against each other and you know what? Who can blame her when it’s as entertaining as this?” FP closed his eyes and shook his head. “You know what? Fuck this. You can stay here all you want. I’m hitching a ride back to Riverdale. Have fun begging Hiram for the van back.”

FP walked past Fred, giving him a shove with his shoulder as he walked back down the hill. Fred grabbed his arm but FP quickly shoved him off.

“No, Fred.” FP waved a finger in his direction as he took a couple steps backwards to get his space. “I’m not doing this, okay? I am not playing second fiddle.”

“Second fiddle? What are you -”

“Every goddamn time you ditch me for this or that, him or her. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is?” FP’s voice rose to a yell. Fred took a few steps towards him but FP waved his finger again. “Stay back, Fred. I’m serious.”

Fred’s nostrils flared. “Look, you agreed to come with me! No one forced you out here.”

“You did!” FP screamed. “You forced me to come! You and Alice’s fucking dad! I don’t want to be here! We could have spent the whole week having a good time, not chasing some skirt three hours away just so she can tell you she doesn’t want to be with you!”

“She does -”

“If Hermione wanted to be with you,” FP took a few steps towards Fred, still waving his finger in a way that reminded him far too much of Alice, “she wouldn’t have come up here. If she wanted to be with you, she wouldn’t be here with him.”

Fred started walking backwards, taking a few steps away from FP. “You know what? Fine. Leave then!” The anger was rising unnecessarily in him. He knew everything FP was saying was true, but friends didn’t have to call you out like this. Mary would never. “You know what? I’ll be the hero all my own! I will get Hermione away from Hiram on my own! And you know what? I’ll even take Alice back to her dad and be the hero there too!”

FP stopped in his tracks. “You’re an idiot, Freddie. Neither of those girls want you to rescue them. And you’re a idiot if you think either of them are here against their will.”

Fred still took a few slow steps backwards. “Okay, rescue is the wrong word. I know Alice wants to be here, just not with Hiram and -”

“Fred! Let it go. Lets just find the van and stop this bullshit.”

“What bullshit? Hermione wants to be with me!”

“Fred.” FP’s voice was low, venomous. “Hermione doesn’t want to be with you.” He started walking towards Fred again and Fred picked up the speed of his backwards walk. “There are so many fish in the river, yet you still want the one who will never -”

“Fish in the sea! Not the river.”

“There are fish in rivers too!” 

“But that’s not the expression!”

“That’s not the point!” FP stopped in his tracks. “Maybe the right person for you is right in front of you and you’re too fucking stupid to see it.”

Fred stopped walking and looked at him hard. “Like who? Alice? Eck.”

FP screwed up his face. “Alice? Alice wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole.”

“Mary?” he tried again, brow furrowed. 

FP let his face fall in his hands. “Sure. Let’s go with Mary.”

“Okay, so lets stop fighting and go get Mary at least. She doesn’t want to be here.”

“Fred, I -”

“FP, just follow me.” Fred turned on his heel. “Lets just go knock on the door and -”

Fred tripped mid-turn and fell flat on his face. 

“Freddie!” FP was on him in a second, flipping him over. “Are you okay?”

“I guess so,” he grimaced, trying to sit up. “My ankle kind of hurts. Leave it to me to trip over nothing.”

“Uhh, Freddie?” FP jutted his chin towards his feet. “You didn’t trip over nothing.”

A rifle sat in the dirt, just where Fred had fell. FP crawled to pick it up. 

“Well, well, well.” He went on his knees back to Fred, holding it in both hands. “Lookie here.”

Engraved right into the side was a single word. LODGE.

* * *

 

The sun was beating down on the Shaggin Wagon, warming it pleasantly against the cool mountain air.

Mary sat on the floor in the back, trying to collect herself.

There were two worn out duffle bags and a box filled with enough booze to keep a handful of teens busy for the better part of a week. There was also a rolled up double sleeping bag and a few blankets pushed in a corner. Mary had already emptied and repacked both bags and poked the sleeping bag a few times, shuddering to think of why it was even there. She peeked into the box of liquor a again and still nothing.

The boys must have taken the walkie-talkie with them.

She hoped as much at least. After Hermione had broken the antenna off of hers, all she heard was static. Surely, the boys would have thought to keep theirs with them, right? They were probably trying to check in with her at that very moment, panicked that their van was missing. 

She pulled herself into the front seat, deciding to give the glove compartment another look. Inside was a tire pressure gauge, some loose change, an unopened box of condoms. Something came to her from health class about how the heat of a car could wear condoms thin, but the last thing she wanted to think about was what kind of debauchery was going on in this vehicle. She’d sat in the backseat way too many times to think of that now. At least the box being sealed was a sign it was brand new. Maybe it was a new addition.

The glove compartment snapped shut and Mary let out a groan. The things she went through for her friends. All just so Fred could -

And there it was. Left carelessly on the dashboard as if it was their own and not belonging to her younger brothers. The walkie-talkie.

Not that Mary was one to talk. At least this walkie-talkie was in one piece, unlike the one in her possession.

But of course the boys didn’t keep it on them. Why would they?

She turned it on. Silence, of course. What else did she expect?

Slamming the door to the van, she made a beeline for the front door of the cabin. Hopefully no one would be awake yet. Hermione had never came to their room last night, obviously, and Mary could only assumed she’d spent the night with Hiram. Poor Fred. She’d do all she could to make sure he didn’t find out. 

The smell of fresh coffee filled her nostrils as she walked in. She opened the coat closet right off the vestibule and put the walkie-talkie to the side, on the floor. No one was likely to walk in there. She walked slowly to the kitchen. Alice was as the counter pouring coffee and Hal was behind her with his chin on her shoulder and his arms wrapped around her waist. He slowly swayed them back and forth and Mary felt a familiar pang in her chest.

It wasn’t that it was Hal or that it was Alice. It was that something they had together. Something she had yet to experience with another person. It was more than sex (not that she was very skilled yet in that department either) or even romance. It was a connection. She looked over her shoulder down the hall. Was it the same thing Hermione felt when she was with Hiram or Fred? Was Hermione greedy for getting it twice over or was Mary just slow for not knowing where to find it?

Her mother’s words rang somewhere in the back of her head.  _ Friends are better than boyfriends.  _

“Make it for me?” Hal asked.

Alice let out a short laugh. “Do I look like your mother? You’re a big boy, you can fix your own cup of coffee.”

“But it always tastes better when you do it. I always too sweet when I do it.”

“You’re too heavy handed with the sugar, dummy.”

“And you’re not because you’re already sweet -”

“Disgusting,” a voice said behind Mary. She jumped as Hiram’s hand met her shoulder. His hair looked freshly washed and gelled and he was midway through buttoning his shirt. “Afternoon, Mary.” He pushed passed her into the kitchen and took the mug of coffee Hal had just picked up and took  a sip. “Wow, this is good coffee. Nice and bitter, just like the girl who made it.” He winked at Alice and sat down at the table. 

Alice scowled and went on her tiptoes to get another mug out of the cabinet. Hal reached them before she could get there and placed them on the counter. He gave Alice a kiss on the head after getting a look at her annoyed expression. 

“Coffee, Mare?”

She had already had two cups while waiting for everyone else to wake up, but she nodded anyway. “Sure.” She took the seat opposite from Hiram. “Just woke up.”

“Huh?” Hiram asked over his cup. “You weren’t in your room just now.”

“What?” Mary took the cup Hal pressed into her hand and took a long, slow slip. “Sure I was. I just got up.”

“I saw you come in from outside.” Alice and Hal both turned their heads at Hiram’s words. “What were you doing out there?”

Mary could feel the flush running up her face. The same flush that would no doubt match her hair or the fire in Hiram’s eyes when Fred and FP no doubt showed up today. She forced her most pleasant smile - the one that got her gullible little brothers to believe the lie about the tooth fairy or that if they kept pulling dumb faces, their face might get stuck that way.

“Hiram, I was getting some fresh air.” She glanced towards Alice and Hal, both with coffee cups half way to their lips, and laughed. “Not all of us had the luxury to get out of Riverdale all the time and experience this fresh mountain air. Right guys?”

Alice slammed her mug on the counter, making the rest of the jump. “Oh my God, Mary. You are the worst liar ever.”

Mary gripped her own mug with both hands, trying to ignore her heart speeding up. “Huh?”

“You blabbed. We have a mole in our midst, gentlemen.” Alice walked to Mary and gave her chair a shake. “You.”

“Blabbed?” Mary slowly put down her cup. “Blabbed to who? About what? Gosh, Alice. You sound -”

“You sound guilty.”

“Be real.” Hermione walked through the doorway to the kitchen and took the mug from Hal’s hand before sitting next to Hiram. “Mary’s never done wrong in her life.” She sipped her coffee and Hal rummaged through the cabinet for another cup. “Oh, or is this Hamlet? Are we reciting Hamlet? Where’s everyone’s books? Are we really doing this? I thought we were just going to rent the movie.”

Hiram slammed his hand on the table. “Mary is apparently the one who told Andrews our location.”

“What?” Hermione looked between them all. Alice standing over Mary, Hiram glaring at them, Hal trying to fix himself yet another cup of coffee. “No, Mary wouldn’t do that. Why would Mary do that?”

“I didn’t do that!” Mary squeaked. She swallowed hard, getting her voice back under control. “I told Fred I’d be busy visiting relatives for Passover. I never told him I was coming here.”

“Likely story,” Hiram said. He crossed his arms over his chest. “I trusted you.”

“Lighten up everyone.” Hal pulled Alice’s fingers off of Mary’s chair. “Innocent until proven guilty, right? If Mary said she didn’t do anything -”

“God, you are so trusting.” Hiram rolled his eyes. “Look, just tell us when they’re coming back, Mary.”

“Hiram, I have no idea -”

Alice gasped. “The walkie-talkie!” she shouted gleefully, forgetting she was supposed to be mad. “That’s where I’ve seen it! At your house! They’re your brother’s!”

“They’re not -”

“Just tell us when they’re coming.”

“I have no idea -”

“If Mary said she didn’t -”

“Mary isn’t as innocent as you -”

“Mary didn’t -”

“Mary did!”

“But I -”

“This isn’t a trial!”

“This isn’t fair -”

“This -”

BONG. 

All five collectively gasped as the grandfather clock in the foyer went off.

BONG.

Hiram pushed his chair back. “Hal, where is my gun? Did you leave it in the van?”

“No, what?” Hal shook his head. “Hiram, please don’t shoot anyone.”

Hiram started towards the main entrance and everyone followed him. “How many times do I have to tell you guys? The gun isn’t even loaded.”

“Like you’d even know,” Alice muttered under her breath. 

He stopped as he got to the door and turned to face everyone else. “Look, I just want to give them a little scare, that’s all. Just like what they did to us last night.”

“But Hiram,” Hermione said uncertainly, “that wasn’t them. That was the creep from town peeping on us.”

“Regardless,” Hiram shook his head, “they are here to ruin our week and I can’t allow it.” He turned the knob and opened the door. “You tossed it in the back of the van, right?”

“I never touched that gun,” Hal insisted. “You had it.”

“I dropped it!” Hiram jogged to where the van was parked. “And you picked it up.”

“I didn’t. I’d never touch that thing.”

“Oh, I found the gun,” Alice said simply. Hiram stopped with his hand on the door handle of the van. She pointed plainly down the long road. “Fred has it.” She rolled her eyes and hit Hal’s arm. “I’m going inside before someone gets shot. Meet me in the hottub when they’re gone.”

Hal grabbed Alice by her belt loop to stop her from leaving. 

“Well, well, well!” Hiram shouted as he trotted to meet them, Mary and Hermione at his heels. “Look what we have here! Party crashers!”

FP rolled his eyes as the two groups reached each other. “We’re not here to crash anything, Lodge.” FP’s eyes traveled to where Alice and Hal were standing a few feet away. “We’re here to deliver a message to Alice.”

Alice flipped him off. “Message received. Bye.”

“Your dad -”

“I don’t give a fuck,” she said plainly. She dropped her middle finger and pointed the next one to the van. “Please leave.”

“Al -”

“Oh come on!” Hiram cried. “You guys came here to ruin our time, plain and simple. Now just give me my gun.”

Fred had been quiet up until that point. He started extended the gun towards Hiram. Once Hiram put his hand out for it, Fred pulled it back.

“No.”

Hiram stumbled a bit as Fred pulled away. His face was taking on a beautiful shade of red that was making Fred gleeful. 

“No?” 

Fred took a deep breath. “Let us stay.”

“What?” Hiram and FP asked as the same time. 

“Let us stay,” Fred repeated. “This place is huge. It’s not like you don’t have the room.”

Hiram took two steps towards Fred. “If you think -”

Hermione grabbed his arm to stop him. “Now, now there.” She stepped in between the two. “We’re all friends here, aren’t we?” She pulled Hiram a bit closer so she could put her other hand on Fred. “What’s the harm in two more people? The more the merrier, right?”

“And you know what?” Mary cut off Hiram before he could get a word in. “There is enough liquor in the back of that van for all of us.” She looked to Fred and he nodded. “Which I’m sure the boys brought as a peace offering, right?”

Hiram scowled. “Cheap stuff, I’m sure.”

“Sometimes the cheap stuff is better.” Hermione smiled at Hiram and gave his arm a squeeze. “Gets you drunk faster. Shall we put it to a vote?”

“Put what to a vote?”

“Whether the boys should stay.”

“My vote is no.” FP raised his hand. “I don’t want to stay. I want to go home.”

“Foresythe, you should be so lucky to be here,” Hermione hissed, dropping her sugary sweetness for a second. She let go of Fred and Hiram’s arms. “All those who vote the boys leave?”

FP and Hiram’s arms went up immediately. Alice stomped the few feet down the hill towards them, waving both her arms. 

“My vote is a double no,” she called.

“Judas,” Fred muttered under his breath. Alice pinched his arm.

“I love you, Fred,” she said in a voice filled with anything but love, “but this isn’t your fucking trip. It’s ours.”

“All those in favor of them staying?” Mary spoke over them. She raised her own hand. “I mean, they already came all this way.”

Fred shot his hand up with Hermione following suit. All six glanced the few feet up the hill where Hal was standing on his own, both hand shoved in his pockets. He looked down to the dirt as he slowly took his right hand out and raised it. 

“Hal!” Alice yelled. “Come on!”

“Mary’s right!” he pleaded, not meeting her eyes. “They came all this way. And like, the more the merrier, right?”

Alice stomped back up the hill towards the cabin, giving Hal a light shove as she walked past him.

“I’m going to the hottub!” she screamed over her shoulder. “No one bother me!”

“Hottub sounds great actually.” Hermione grabbed Mary’s hand and gave her a tug. “Let’s change.”

Hiram let out a low sigh and held his hand out to Fred. “Just give it here.”

“Uh, okay.” Fred raised an eyebrow but placed his hand in Hiram’s anyway. Hiram whacked it away. 

“Moron!” Hiram rubbed his hand on his pants, as if wiping away Fred’s cooties. “The gun! Give me my gun!”

“Oh, here.” Fred shoved it into Hiram’s arms. 

“You’re an idiot, Hiram.” FP walked to the van and opened the back door. “Coop, help me grab the booze. You just left that thing on the side of the road where anyone could pick it up.” He glanced at Fred. “Or trip over it.”

“Relax, it’s unloaded.” Hiram pointed it into the woods. 

Hal shook it head as he lifted the liquor box with FP. “Hiram, you don’t know what you’re doing.”

“I told you guys! It’s unloaded.” He aimed at a tree and pulled the trigger. The kickback knocked him flat on his backside.


	7. Monday evening

FP stepped through the back door and closed it quietly behind him. Alice was in the large hot tub, her back towards the cabin. Her hair was held up on the top of her head in a clip that looked about ready to pop under the strain of her thick, curly hair. A Walkman sat on the edge of the tub, the headphone cord leading to her ears.

He placed the bottle tucked under his arm down on the ground and slowly crept up behind her, hand raised in front of him.

She turned her head slightly to crack her neck, making FP wince. He frozen in place, waiting for her to put her head straight again. He could just hear the music pumping out from her headphones. Some soft rock that she had turned up the volume all the way to enjoy.

In one motion, he reached his hand out and popped the clip open. Alice’s hair slipped down, knocking off her headphones. Half fell along the edge of the hot tub while the other half fell right into the water.

“Fuck!” Alice yelled. She whipped her head around, wet hair sprinkling him with water. Before he had a chance to laugh, her hand came out and slapped his arm with a loud, wet SMACK.

“You shit!” Alice collected her hair in her hands and rung out as much as she could. “I just washed it this morning. You know how long this takes to dry?” She reached her hand out for the clip but he kept his distance.

“Oh come on. It’s just hair. I bet Hiram brought a blow dryer with him.” He opened and closed the clip a few times in his hand. “Since when are you so prissy?”

“I am not prissy, you dick.” Alice glared at him. “I’m pissed. Give it here.”

He held out the clip and pulled it back as she reached for it. Her left hand held up the hair on the top of her head. “You pissed at me?”

“Of course at you! You’re acting like a fucking fifth grader right now.” She snapped her fingers twice and held her hand out. “Give it.”

FP pursed his lips together and moved his arm back, dropping the clip in her hand. She stuck it back in her hair, a few drops of water still dripping down her neck. He sat on the edge of the hot tub.

“Can I come in?”

“No.” She said simply, shoving her headphones back on. “Bye.”

“Please?” Alice shut her eyes. He poked her arm and she scooted away. “This tub can fit like twenty people. I’ll keep my distance. Why can’t I -”

“I can’t hear you!” she said loudly, pointing to her ears. FP rolled his eyes.

“Al, you never even turned the Walkman back on.”

She rolled her eyes and took the headphones off. “I’m not in the mood for you or anyone for that matter. Plus,” her eyes traveled down to his clothes, “you’re not even in a bathing suit.”

“I have one on underneath.”

“Well.” She pretended to consider the offer for a moment before shaking her head. “No. Go away.”

“But I have a peace offering.”

“You go get lost in the woods and die?”

“Will that cheer you up?”

“Greatly.” She crossed her arms over her chest and jutted her chin towards the trees. “Get going.”

“Al -”

“Forsythe!”

His hair fell in his face as he reached down to grab the bottle from the ground, just hiding his eye roll. “Peace offering.” He held out the bottle as she eyed it suspiciously.

“A $5 bottle of tequila?” Sarcasm dripped from from her voice. “Well golly. I’m totally won over. All is forgiven.”

“Come on.” He uncapped the bottle and handed it to her. “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. It’s drink this or nothing.”

“If Hiram has any redeeming qualities whatsoever, it’s that he’s a good host.” She turned her nose up. “You really think he’d host us for the week and not have liquor? You think we didn’t bring our own?”

“I know you didn’t bring your own. Coop’s mom probably didn’t let you guys in that car until she personally searched each and everyone of your bags .”

“Maybe,” Alice admitted. Her eyes darted sideways to the bottle. “But Hiram knows a place in town -”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hiram always knows a place, knows a guy. He’s got a guy for this, a guy for that.” He took a swig off the bottle and pulled a face before passing it to her. Tequila was never his favorite. “But Freddie and I showed up with plenty for everyone so you don’t need Hiram’s guy.”

The pout on her face loosened a little. “You didn’t even bring me a cup?”

He didn’t hide his eye roll this time. “I don’t have cooties.”

“I beg to differ.” She took the bottle from him and wiped the rim with her palm. FP held in sucking his teeth at the action, at her words. _I beg to differ_. The best friend he grew up with would laugh at another person who used a phrase like that. Alice took a pull and shook her head as she swallowed. “Fuck. That is not smooth. We need a chaser.”

“A chaser? Damn, I knew you were getting prissy.”

“Cut that out!” she snapped. “Just - just stop it, okay? When I say I’m not in the mood I’m really not in the mood.” She took another pull from the bottle, longer this time, and closed her eyes. “This week is turning into a goddamn nightmare. Please don’t make it any worse.”

“Well sorry.” FP stretched out each word. He took the bottle back from her. “I thought your friends showing up to keep you company would be nice.”

“You thought crashing a weekend with my boyfriend would be nice?” She narrowed her eyes. “What kind of friend is that?”

FP rolled the bottle between his hands, not looking her in the eye. “Whatever. Not like we’re friends anymore anyway. My bad.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“I just - we used to be best friends.” FP kicked off his sneakers and socks and rolled up his jeans to stick his feet in the hot tub. “You, me, and Freddie. And now we’re not. That’s all I meant.”

“Excuse you, I’m -”

“Always off with Coop.” FP raised his eyebrows. “No time for your friends anymore.”

“Hal is my boyfriend! I’m allowed to -”

“And Freddie chases anything that moves and I don’t even know the last time the three of us did something together.” He clicked his teeth. “It just sucks is all.”

She poked his leg. “We’re still best friends, dummy. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

“Yeah well,” he glanced back towards the house, “you know what my best friend would never do?”

“What?”

“She’d never let herself get talked into a trip like this.”

Alice’s lips curled. She took her hand out of the water and flicked some at his face. “Don’t beat around the bush. Spit it out.”

“What? That you’re only here because you let Coop talk you -”

SMACK. Another wet smack hit his arm.

He rubbed the sore spot and inched down the ledge. “Christ, what was that for?”

“First of all, his name is Hal and you know that,” she huffed. “Stop with the stupid nickname.”

“He likes the name -”

“Well I don’t!” She yanked the bottle from his hand a took another sip. “Second of all, Hal didn’t talk me into anything, okay? I wanted to come on this stupid trip back when it was supposed to be - well, supposed to be something else.”

“Something else?” He raised his eyebrow. “Like?”

“Like,” she let out a heavy sigh, “like a couple’s weekend or something.” Pink patches started appearing on her cheeks that had nothing to do with the liquor. “Like it was supposed to be in the first place. Now it’s just, well now it’s just crowded here.”

“Why would you want to go on a couple’s weekend?” FP laughed. “Come on, Al. You hate Hiram and Hermione. You’d never -”

“And what if I did want to go, huh? How’s that any of your business?”

“Why though?”

“Why what?”

“Why would you put yourself through a week with people you hate?” He took another pull from the tequila bottle, the liquor loosening his tongue. “You complain about them all the time.”

Alice pursed her lips. “You wouldn’t get it.”

He poked her arm and she made to hit him again before he backed away.

“Yeah, I don’t get it. So explain.”

She sighed and turned to him, taking the bottle from his hand. “So when Hal’s sister Gertrude was home from college for winter break, she asked if I wanted to go to the mall with her one day. And she’s like the only other one in the family who treats me like a normal person, not just Hal’s trashy Southside girlfriend. So yeah, I was kind of excited. She’s never invited somewhere alone before, just me and her. We go to the mall, but she fails to tell me we’re meeting her best friend there. And her best friend is -”

“Hermione’s sister.”

“Bingo. So there is Terry with Hermione in tow.” She sighed. “And I’m half convinced by that point that Gertrude planned this whole thing to mess with me, but she’s acting totally normal and it hits me she probably just doesn’t realize things between me and Hermione are, well, tense. Or she just refuses to acknowledge Hermione is a mean girl or something. I don’t know. Hermione’s hot. She’s good at fooling people. But Hermione is all smiles and cheerful and she’s actually being nice to me.” Alice went to run her hand through her hair, forgetting it was up until her fingers touched the clip. “Acting like we were old pals and all, like this was totally normal behavior for us. She kept including me in the conversation, dragged me into a few stores. She even brought me an Orange Julius and split a soft pretzel with me. Like, it was so bizarre, but Gertrude just kept smiling at me and Terry was actually totally nice for a former cheerleader. And everything was normal and, well fun.” She looked FP in the eyes. “I had fun with Hermione. Can you believe it?”

“Absolutely not.”

Alice sighed and took another pull from the bottle. “And I don’t know what I thought would happen after that. Like maybe in school on Monday she’d come talk to me or smile or something. But no. We walked right past each other and neither of us said anything. Didn’t even look at each other. Like that day never even happened.”

“So this week was supposed to be, what?” he asked. “You and Hermione becoming best friends? So you guys could go on double dates every other weekend and have sleepovers and braid each others hair and bake cookies and all that jazz?” He shook his head. “It’s silly, Al. You’re never going to get that out of her. Even if you guys had a blast this weekend, you think anything would change next week at school? Hell, you dating Hal doesn’t make Hiram treat you any different. Why would a week -”

“FP!” she cut him off. “Can I let you in on a little secret?” She eyes traveled to the back door of the lodge.  

“Sure.”

“Come here.” She put the bottle down on the ledge and gestured for him to come closer.

He scooted down the edge of the hot tub until he was at arm’s length. “What?”

She grabbed the arm of his shirt and yanked, pulling him into the hot tub. He fell face first into the water and flailed a bit before finally finding his bearing and standing up.

“What the hell was that for, Al?” He shook his head, spraying her with water. Alice calmly took a sip from the tequila bottle and smiled at him.

“What?” she asked innocently. “You must have drank too much and fell in.”

FP pulled his shirt over his head and rung it out. “That was uncalled for.”

“You making fun of me was uncalled for.”

“Oh joy,” a voice called flatly from the house. Both turned to see Hermione closing the door behind her. “Who are we making fun of? I’m so - FP, why the hell do you have your jeans on in the hot tub?”

“I -” he looked helplessly to Alice who shrugged. “I fell in?”

“Uh huh.” Hermione crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes darting between the two of them. “I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”

“Of course not.” Alice took her hair out of her clip and wrung it out again. “Everyone is free to watch FP make an ass of himself. Join the party.”

“Anything is more exciting than being in there.” Hermione kicked off her shoes and sat on the ledge, hiking her skirt up. “I swear, the inventor of Monopoly probably died a virgin”

“God, how long can that game possibly last?” FP started unbuckling his belt as Alice covered her eyes with her free hand.

“What the hell are you doing?” she asked. She turned her body towards Hermione as FP wrestled off his wet jeans in the water. Hermione let out an amused laugh.

“I told you, I have on a bathing suit under this.” He hopped towards the edge of the tub.

“Slowly, slowly.” Hermione grabbed the bottle of tequila from Alice. “It’s too nice of a job to rush.”

FP fell hard on the side of the rocky hot tub and held his legs up. “Help?”

Alice and Hermione pulled identical faces of disgust - Alice from FP’s words and Hermione from the pull of teulia she took.

“Gross, Forsythe.” Alice clipped her hair back and stretched her legs out in the water. “If you want someone to rip your pants off, go find Fred.”

“Oh, come on.” Hermione took another sip from the bottle and nudged Alice with her elbow. “Don’t you want to wrestle FP out of his clothes?”

“I’d rather drink bleach.”

“Bleach would be a step up from whatever the hell we’re drinking now.” Hermione stood up and grabbed one of the wet cuffs of his jeans and tugged. “This would be a lot easier if you helped.”

“I’m good.” Alice shook her head. “You have fun though.”

“Undressing a future football captain?” Hermione laughed. “Fun all around.”

“Aren’t you already bouncing two dates back and forth? You want to add a third to the mix?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be corrupting your good Catholic -” Hermione slid in the water and grabbed on to FP to regain her balance.

“Careful, careful.” FP let go of her. “You don’t want to fall in in your clothes.”

“Well I won’t slip if I just get a little help.”

FP started unrolling the cuff of his other pant leg. “I think it’ll be easier if -”

“I got this!” Hermione snapped. She snapped her two fingers and pointed to the bottle on the ledge. Alice slide down and handed it to her. After another quick gulp, she handed it back. “God, that stuff is terrible. I hope you brought some,” she tugged back at the jeans and struggled, “some better stuff than that trash.”

“Hey.” FP froze. “You don’t actually like mead, do you?”

“What the hell is mead?”

“Okay, good.” FP held on to the ledge as Hermione got one leg of his jeans down. “Jesus, these things are so tight I feel like I put on Fred’s jeans by accident.”

“Oh please.” Alice smirked at the thought. “Fred has never had a problem getting his pants off in his life.”

“Well because he wears,” Hermione panted between tugs at the second leg, “jeans that fit him.”

“These do fit me!” FP insisted. “It’s just the water makes them heavy and hard to pull off.”

“No guys,” Alice shook her head, a few pieces of her hair coming loose. “I mean because Fred’s a total slut.”

Hermione and FP both paused - FP with his right leg up in the air and Hermione tugging at his jeans. “Oh,” the two said in unison. Alice rolled her eyes.

“Very subtle, the both of you.”

Hermione turned up her nose. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She tugged back at FP’s jeans, nearly getting them off. “Fred is merely good company who I allow to buy me a milkshake when he has some extra spending money.”

FP chuckled, still balancing with one leg being held by Hermione. “And what’s Hiram then? Bad company who always has extra spending money?”

“Cut it out,” Hermione hmphed. “Who’s side are you on anyway?”

“Fred’s side.”

“Oh, well, that makes sense actually.” She took one last tug and FP’s wet jeans finally came off his ankle. Hermione stumbled back a few feet before catching her balance. She held the jeans triumphantly over her head. “I did it!

“Congratulations.” Alice clapped slowly. “The second boy’s pants you’ve gotten off in 24 hours. I’m proud of you. Get Fred alone and you can set a new record and make it three.”

Hermione balled up FP’s wet jeans. “Very funny.” She tossed them in Alice’s direction and they fell with a wet thud past her head. “At least I’m not trying to mark my territory in each room in this house.”

FP coughed out the tequila in his mouth. “Wait, what? You’ve been peeing in -”

“Eww!” Hermione rolled her eyes towards him. “No. Gross. I mean her and Hal had sex in poor Mary’s room last night. They’re like cats in heat. Disgusting.”

“I’m sorry, Hermione.” The corners of Alice’s mouth twitched. “Mary’s room? Isn’t it your room too?”

Hermione slowly waded back to the edge of the hot tub. “Of course it’s my room too. Where else would I be sleeping?”

Alice looked at FP and raised an eyebrow. He sighed.

“Look.” FP tossed an arm around Hermione. “I don’t care if you’re tapping that rich kid ass. That’s none of my concern.”

She shoved him off. “I am not tapping anything! Don’t be disgusting!”

FP sat down in the water. “All I care about is you not hurting Fred.”

Hermione pouted her lips and crossed her arms over her chest. “I am not hurting Fred! I am not hurting Hiram!” She sat down hard on the ledge of the hottub, the end of her skirt just dipping into the water. “If these boys make the choice to catch feelings for me, that is their own issue. I have not made a commitment to either of them and, quite frankly, I don’t see why I should have to.” She pressed her lips together firmly as she looked straight ahead. With one swift move, she grabbed the bottle from the ledge and took a long sip.

“So you’re never going to pick one is what you’re saying?” FP leaned his head back and gently hit it against the ledge. “You’re going to put me in an early grave.”

“And what does this have to do with you, huh?” Hermione lightly nudged his arm with her bare foot. “I know you’re Fred’s friend but -”

“But,” FP took the bottle from her hand, “I’m the one who has to deal with the aftermath of it all! On your weekends, he’s over the moon. Scrounging up cash to take you out, making this elaborate plans that are sure to fail! And then the next weekend is Hiram’s weekend and I have to spend the entire time listening to, “Oh boy, what do you think Hiram has planned?’ ‘Where’s he taking her?’ ‘Hey maybe we can pose as poolboys at the country club and spy on them!’ Then next week it’s back to Fred’s turn and what? I’m supposed to just live with this for the rest of my damn life? When’s this end, huh?” He shook his head and took another swing before passing the bottle to Hermione. “I’m too young for this, okay?”

“Too young?” Hermione held the bottle up to her mouth. “Young is exactly when we’re supposed to be wasting our time having fun like this.” As she pressed her lips to the bottle, Alice grabbed put a hand on her leg. “Excuse you?”

“FP,” Alice said slowly. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at the boy. “What exactly do you mean by Fred’s turn?”

Hermione turned to Alice with the bottle still to her lips. “He didn’t - what? He didn’t say that.”

“Yes, he did.” Alice waved a finger towards FP as she stood up and took a few steps towards him. “And what's this about weekends? Fred's weekend, Hiram's weekend. What's that supposed to mean?”

“I -”

“Almost like,” her eyes darted to Hermione, “they have some schedule for taking her out.”

“A schedule?” Hermione furrowed her brow. “Okay, Alice. You’re giving them way too much credit. You think the two of them could ever manage that? Hell they can’t even -”A dazed look came over her face. “But now that you mention it, they really do seem to each ask me out every other week. And when was the last time the two of them asked me out on the same night? It must have been,” she turned her head slowly to FP, “months. Oh my God, FP!  Do those boys have me on a timeshare?”

FP let out half a chuckle and ran his hand backwards through his hair. “You girls have no idea what you’re talking about.” He gulped as both Alice and Hermione glowered at him. “I mean,” he shook his head, “it’s impossible. To pass you off. Only ask you out every other week. Agree to all of that.” He slid slowly down the bench of the tub, inching away from them. “I mean did -” he braced himself, “did you guys really not know?”

Hermione dived into the hot tub, not even minding the warm water splashing her outfit. She grabbed the boy by both arms and tossed him into tub before he could fight back. He fell back on his ass on the smooth floor of the tub, the water reaching to just below his neck. When he went to get up, Alice placed a hand on his shoulder and shoved him back down.

“What the fuck?” he said helplessly. Both girls stood above him with identical looks of rage on their faces. Alice crossed her arms over her chest while Hermione placed hers on her hips. “I am - I am not the bad guy here! God, Hermione. I thought you knew! I thought you were okay with this. They don’t fight, you get a date every weekend. How else do you -”

“Shut it!” Hermione yelled. Alice kicked his knee under the water. “We will be the ones asking the questions here.”

* * *

 

Mary shoved her glasses to the top of her head and rubbed her temples. “How many times do I need to tell you, Hiram?” She tapped the crumbled instruction book on the table in front of her. Her voice rose with each word. “You must build evenly on colored properties! You can’t have two hotels on New York Avenue and nothing on Tennessee Avenue and St. James Place!”

“And this is why Hal should be banker and not you!” Hiram hissed. He tried to grab the instructions and she snatched it up before he could. “Hal understands business. I want homes on Tennessee and St. James! Those are clearly more residential areas!”

“I mean,” Fred yawned and rubbed his eyes, “he does have a point, Mare. Three hotels on three blocks in a row? What city planner would allow that? I know Atlantic City is a big tourist town, but it’s a little silly. People still need home.”

Mary’s eyes popped open. “This isn’t - guys! These are the rules of the game! I didn’t write them!”

Hiram sighed. “You’re right, you’re right. Being the banker and city planner is clearly too much stress for you. Hal will be the city planner from now on.”

“There is no city planner in Monopoly!”

Fred popped back up. “Yeah, and if there was that’d be me! Just because Hal helps you cheat -”

“Hey!” Hal held up his hands in defence. “I do not help Hiram cheat!”

Fred laid out his fake money in front of him, counting it for the tenth time. “Taking bribes is cheating, Hal.”

“I never took a bribe!”

Fred held a palm up to Hal. “Oh please. I played enough games of Monopoly with you at boy scout camp to know the power of being banker goes right to your head.”

“I really resent -”

“Mary,” Hiram pleaded, “I am willing to pay double for that second hotel on New York Ave. And you can easily pocket that money since, you know,” he clicked his teeth and smiled, “you’re the banker and all.”

Mary groaned, rolling the instructions up in her hand. “I am not cheating! Just because I’m the banker doesn’t mean I can -”

“Well what kind of fucked up game is this where the banker is also the real estate agent, huh? Who lets you hold the deeds? I should be the one selling real estate. You have no head for this.”

“Hiram.” Mary kept her voice calm. She knocked her glasses back down to her nose, placed the instructions back down on the table, and folded her hands in front of her. “Are you asking for realism in a game where I’m playing as a fucking top hat?”

“Hey, Mare.” Fred reached out and put a hand on her shoulder. “No need to get all feisty.”

Mary smacked him away. “I am not getting feisty! I’m just sick of all of you wanting to cheat!”

“Just because I own Illinois Ave doesn’t mean I’m cheating!” Hal blurted out. He fiddled with his deeds in his hands, flipping them around as the corners hit the table. “I mean, it’s not my fault I landed on it first.”

Hiram grit his teeth. “No one cares about your useless red properties! You brought the cheapest stuff you could, don’t think you’re going to pawn it off on me when you’re going bankrupt!”

“And you think you’re the one with a head for business?” Fred laughed. “Illinois Ave is the best property to have. It’s the most landed on square in the whole board.”

“It’s what?” Hiram squeezed his fists together, crumpling his hotel money. “Hal, I asked you what the best properties to buy are and you told me to invest in orange!”

“Orange is good, orange is good! I swear.” Hal bit the inside of his lip. “New York Ave is the second most landed on square. It’s all about probability and the proximity to Go and Jail. I still gave you a great tip, okay?”

“Bullshit! I’m your best friend!”

“It’s business, Hiram!” Fred said mockingly. “Every man for himself, right? Hal owes you nothing.”

Mary held up a finger at either of them and spoke slowly. “It is a game. If everyone doesn’t cool their jets soon, I’m tossing the board in the hot tub.”

Hal chuckled. “Oh come on, Mary. Everyone knows Hasbro coats their boards in a very thin layer of plastic. They’re water resistant at the very least. We’d have plenty of time to fish it out of the hot tub before it becomes unusable.” He let out another laugh and stopped at everyone’s annoyed expressions. “Is that not common knowledge? Hasn’t anyone ever spilled juice while playing Sorry?”

“The only thing I’m sorry about is agreeing to play this game with you guys.” Hiram sighed. “Hal’s a cheater, Fred has zero strategy despite his small town, city planner dreams, and Mary can’t wrap her head around the fact that she’s not a real banker and this is only a game.”

“Only a game, huh?” She smacked her hand against the table, shaking their bottles of soda. “I suppose you’re right. Monopoly should be just a game, huh? But you guys have turned it into something ugly. Bribes, cheating, stealing, snarking -”

“Who stole?” Fred whispered to Hal. Mary shushed him.

“Hell, three of our own have abandoned ship because because you two,” she pointed between Fred and Hiram, “are being so ridiculously competitive.”

“Technically, we only lost two,” Hal chimed in. He adjusted his racecar piece on the board so it was straight. “Alice was never playing.”

“We only lost two?” Mary laughed. “You hear that? We only lost two. Well you know what I say to that?” She grabbed the edge of the board and yanked it off the table. Game pieces, houses, and hotels clattered to the floor, scattering about. Deeds and colorful money fell slower in the windsweep until the only things left off the floor was Hal’s race car, still hovering over the now empty table, and the crumbled fake cash in Hiram’s hands. Fred grabbed his bottle of soda before it tipped over. “They must be the real winners.” Mary’s eyes swept over the mess as a flush ran to her cheeks. “I - well, I am -  screw it. I’m going to the hot tub.”

Fred picked his jaw up off the floor. “I’ll join.”

“You will not!” Mary shouted. She jumped out of her chair. “You boys will sit here and - and -”

“And explain to me,” Hermione’s voice carried in from the kitchen, “what exactly this little truce is between you two?” She walked through the doorway to the living room with FP on her side, her nails digging into his forearm as he looked down at his feet. Alice came trailing behind them.

“Hermione, what happened?” Hiram rushed to her side. “Why are your clothes wet?”

“FP,” Fred pushed his chair back from the table and stared, “why are you wet?”

Mary shook her head. “More like why the hell are you in nothing but your boxers, FP?”

“I knew it!” Alice smacked FP’s arm as she walked past him. “I knew those weren’t swim trunks!”

“Alice!” Hal started around the table to meet her. “What -”

“No!” She waved a finger towards his face as soon as he got within touching distance. She adjusted the towel she’d wrapped around herself. “You get away from me! You knew about this gross deal between those two idiots and you thought it was okay?”

“Which idiots? Mary asked. “Be more specific.”

“God, Mary.” Hermione sighed and let go of FP. “Please don’t tell me you knew too.”

“Knew what?”

“Fred and Hiram have been,” she pouted her lips and took a few steps towards Mary, “been trading me off like a cheap rental property in Atlantic City! For almost a year now!”

Mary looked between the other five people in the room quickly before turning back to Hermione. “Wait. Huh?”

Alice put her back palm to Hal and lightly shoved him out of her way. “Fred and Hiram basically have a schedule of when they’re allowed to take out Hermione. They alternate weekends and school dances and gently discourage other guys from asking her out. I’d be impressed they have enough brain cells between them to work it out if I wasn’t so skeezed out.” She shuddered.

Fred and Hiram turned to each other and looked back to Hermione.

“It’s not -”

“Well it is -”

“But it wasn’t malicious!”

“We get along better for it!”

“It’s just we -”

“Are morons!”

“Speak for your -”

“Totally morons!”

“Okay and -”

“Sorry?” they both finished lamely.

Hermione shook her head slowly. “No. No, I do not think sorry is going to cut it. Not now, not ever.” She pressed her lips together. “We’re all going home tomorrow and I am going to barricade myself in the master bedroom until then. Ladies,” she turned to Mary and Alice, “if you guys can carry the big box of booze, you’re free to join me.”

“With pleasure,” Alice said. She grabbed a stunned Mary and pulled her along to the kitchen. Hermione took off down the hall to the bedrooms.

“Alice!” Hal ran a few steps after her. “I - I didn’t do anything!” he said in a hushed whisper that everyone heard. “Hiram and Fred -”

“- are jerks and you and FP are just as bad for never saying anything.” Alice shook her head. “I don’t even want to look at you.” She picked up side of the box as Mary grabbed the other.

“Hey!” FP put his hand on the box. “Freddie and I brought all that. You guys can’t just commandeer it -”

“Oh, big word.” Mary rolled her eyes. “We can and we will.”

“Those two idiots did something wrong, not me and Coop.” He lowered his voice. “How about we just kick Fred and Hiram out for the night, yeah?”

“So much for loyalty, huh?” Fred asked.

Mary tugged the box from FP’s grip. “Get lost.”

Hiram took the other side of the box. “If you just let me talk to her -”

“No!” Alice shook him off and yanked so Mary would follow her down the hall. “You’re on your own, boys. Have fun jerking each other off or whatever devices you’ve left to yourselves.”

“Ugh,” Mary scoffed as their voices faded down the hallway. “Don’t be gross, Alice.”

The four boys exchanged glances. Hiram rapped his knuckles against the table. Hal slouched down in a chair. Fred hit his head against the wall lightly. FP looked down at himself.

“I am uh, going to take a shower. Get dressed.” He turned back on his heel. “And I don’t really know protocol or anything for this, but I call getting my own bed tonight.”

**Author's Note:**

> Validate me and leave me some love!


End file.
